Wednesday, April 04, 2012

The crappy movies on Netflix

So, I think I've mentioned this before but I watch crappy, shitty movies so the overall population doesn't have to. I try to forewarn you before you waste any second of your time. So please, allow me to continue to waste mine because I've got nothing else to do. That's not true. I actually want to get the most out of my Netflix membership so I am trying to watch movies that seem interesting or appealing on the surface but typically are not so when I start to watch them. It's just weird how Netflix has a movie library of, I don't know, a million movies and about 1% or even less are actually worth watching (excluding most TV shows in their library). How did something with such a piss poor selection become so dominant in the online streaming realm?

Anyway, allow me to briefly respond to a half a day of my life wasted on the following movies:

Mark of the Devil (1970). This was truly one of the worst movies I've seen...And I've seen a lot! I know it was made in 1970 but it was just overly dramatic. The acting was not good and the "terrified" acting was over the top. I must admit that I was first drawn to the movie by the hopes of lots of naked "witches" but I was sorely disappointed. I looked forward to the gore and was sorely disappointed. I then tried to rely on the story line for any substance and it was just too open and predictable...especially the ending. The description on Netflix says that barf bags were handed to the audience upon first showings because it was so "gross and graphic." Personally, I did not find a bit of it graphic or gross. Maybe it was horrific in nature based on historical fact but nothing that would make me turn my head or even come close to barfing in a bag. As I said, "OVERLY DRAMATIC!" Apparently, this movie was all that bad back in the 70s because a sequel was made. You can view the trailer here. It doesn't look like Part II was much different than Part I but it was sold as "including and all-star cast." All-star in Europe only maybe. Funny thing about Part II is the trailer shows a character played by Reggie Nalder who was 'Albino the Accuser' in Part I that was choked to death by the local Lord of the land. Guess no one else was available.

Final verdict: Just keep on browsing by this one!

Ghosts of Goldfield (2007). I was looking for a good or even decent horror movie and this was most definitely not it. The cover was encouraging and having Kellan Lutz in the cast made me think this was at least going to be watchable. Boy, oh boy, how wrong I was. The filming quality was so 80s more than 2007. After watching a little, I thought there might be some good "comfort-me-I'm-scared-sex" scenes but it was not happening. The ghost in the story had a seemingly nice body with ample bossoms but the most you get of them were a quick side boob shot. Roddy Piper had a cameo/part and his acting was super stiff and lame. I'm wondering if this was one of his first gigs or maybe he was just bitter that he had to do something so horrible because maybe he's run out of money. Not that he's a great actor, but even former pro wrestlers turned to acting should have standards. He'd probably have done better cameoing in an actual porn flick. This movie may have had some potential with a better script and more budget money but as it is, I cannot believe it was ever produced. I can't see that they made back any money from production unless Netflix paid them enough to break even.

Final verdict: Another one tha you can just walk on by!

Sacred Flesh (2000). I watched this movie strictly for the hopes of tits & ass. I was not disappointed. I don't recall much of the storyline and the acting was average at best but the T&A was a bonus. This was very close to soft-core porn...the likes of which you'd see on the Playboy channel back in the mid-90s where they'd take a real porn and cut the actual scenes of penetration or fellatio out. It's kind of weird and exciting to see 'nuns' masterbating or enjoying the flesh of one another.

Final verdict: Fast forward to the nakedness and watch only the nakedness. This hour and a half movie will be reduced to 20-30 minutes and you'll not have missed any of the storyline because that's not why you watched it in the first place!

Vampires (2010). This movie was very, very difficult to watch. Not because of the horror but because it was just plain unexciting and uneventful. It was humorous at very rare times but overall I felt like I had done something very wrong and this was my horrendous punishment. The concept could have been done much better. The movie is French and it includes English subtitles. The subtitles didn't take anything away from the movie because there wasn't anything to miss in the movie. I actually watched this over a period of 4-5 days. That's how slow it was. I would have just quit watching but I have this need to finish my movies (except for a few rarities) no matter how bad they are. It's like I feel unaccomplished in my task if I don't complete the movie.

Final verdict: The movie cover is the best thing about this movie. No need to waste any of your precious life seconds on this garbage because I already did!

Exterminating Angels (2006). Based on the description of "exploring female sexuality...fantasy and reality begin to blur", I decided to check this movie out because in my eyes it promised female nudity. It started out a little slowly but it didn't disappoint. The over all movie was not that interesting and it was French with English subtitles which made it difficult to watch. Again, it made up for it with the hot, gratuitously naked main female cast.

Final verdict: Just like Sacred Flesh, fast forward to the nakedness and enjoy them then move on.

Hollywood Sex Wars (2011). This movie was a campy comedy with the occasional funny scenes. Again, I decided to watch this movie with the hopes of gratuitous nakedness. It was sporadic at best but good to see with humor included. The movie was overall watchable because of its campy comedy vibe but make sure you go into it knowing it's not going to wow you.

Final verdict: Go into it knowing that it's not a tip-top movie but it does have it's moments of comedic value. You can pass on it but I don't think it's a complete waste of time if you do happen to watch it.

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