Email humor 12/21/2007

Cruelest eye test for old geezers...

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Email humor 12/17/2007

Maxine's Christmas

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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

What did I say?

So, I know you people are checking what the weather is like in Dallas, Texas. Just to put my two cents in...it F-ing sucks. If I miss another Saturday of tennis, I'm gonna be pissed.

So pissed that I just called the wife to say,

"Mother nature needs a good anal raping to get her ass straight and stop messing up my weekends!"

The wife says, "That was just wrong."

I say, "What? I was just saying..."

Okay, that's it. Go back to whatever you were doing.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Update: You know, I like using ScribeFire to blog sometimes. It's discreet for work when you want to blog and people around you not see the whole Blogger web page and colors. Anyway, what I hate is when they add this dame label above. I don't think they have an option to not add it so I have to log into my blog, edit the blog entry and the publish. What a pain in the ass!

Email humor 12/13/2007

What gift do you give to a man that has everything?

What the human mind, body and spirit can do

I often am amazed at what the human mind, body and spirit can do in the face of adversity....amazed by the positive reactions as well as the negative.

This just happens to be one of the VERY positive...and yes, I got a little teary-eyed like the woman in the audience.

Email humor 12/10/2007

Best hospital sign...

Finals

One more day and I will be done with the Fall 2008 semester. Accounting 2312 - Managerial Accounting will be in the books and checked off as "DONE!"

I think I'll pull a B- or B but not the A that the business school was looking for. No worries. I think I'm going to be in no matter what - well, as long as I make in the B- range or above.

My final is from 3-6 p.m. tomorrow, Tuesday the 11th. So, I have tonight to study and a few sporadic moments tomorrow morning. I need to study as I am pretty blank on what we covered in class at this time. That damn Thanksgiving holiday break screwed me up. It gave me even more time to forget stuff!

Oh well, back to work...or looking like I'm working at work but not doing anything at all.

Natalie Portman

I picked the two best picks (IMHO) from the blog, Egotastic to post here. I made one of them my desktop background on my laptop.

Other than the fact that I saw Natalie Portman's name, it also caught my eye with the funny heading of "Natalie Portman Keeps Getting Perfecter".

I couldn't agree more with that statement! So, without further adieu...


   

Email humor 12/04/2007

WINTER DRIVING

It happens to all of us, one time or another...........



So I was driving this morning, and this dick in a truck pulls out in front of me.........

LCD HDTV

Well, I broke down last Friday and purchased an LCD HDTV. Best Buy had a pretty good deal that ended after 12/1/07.

They had no interest until January 2011 on TV purchases of $999 and up.

I researched and researched for months and months and did a little bit more when I decided on the brand and size I was going to buy. I just didn't know how much of a necessity it is. It's kind of like me buying an LCD monitor (19" or higher) for my computer. It's a really nice purchase but it's not a necessity as I have a 17" or a fully working 19" CRT.

Anyway, I purchased one Friday afternoon. It is a Philips 42" 1080p LCD HDTV...check the info here on the Best Buy web site. Out of 31 reviews and a 5 star scale, it rated 4.9. I think that's pretty darn good.

The price was $1,699 but I got it for $1,399 which is $40 cheaper than the current price right at this moment. Anyway, with a 4-year protection plan and 3-year interest-free financing...I think I'm golden!

I had to run my satellite feed from the back of the house over to the side of the house, drill a hole in the wall from outside to inside to get the feeds into the house and do all this other shit just to get the television installed. I installed the mount by myself and put the TV on it with the assistance of the wife and I'm still golden!

It's nice to watch. I don't have an HD feed from DirecTV yet but it still looks pretty rockin' with a regular satellite signal and the DVDs are pretty sweet. I'm even more golden.

So, here's a couple of shots of the TV...

Heroes season finale

I must say that TV shows and movies tend to end up disappointing me in some form or fashion...usually for bullshit happenings.

After watching the season finale of Heroes this evening, I must say it has once again fallen into the disappointment category.

Now granted, I am not some dumb ass that believes all shit that happens in shows/movies is real BUT there is a certain continuity that you must keep with the "fantasy."

Take for instance tonight with Heroes. Near the end, Kristen Bell's character (I forget her name) comes in just in time to save Suresh and gang from Sylar. He starts to dart out of Suresh's lab when Kristen's character shoots him with a bolt of energy. Sylar is thrown through the glass door but is able to...not a run or a walk but maybe...scamper away. Bullshit!

Let's flash back a few episodes to when Peter is walking down a hospital corridor after saving Nathan from falling from the sky after he (Peter) "blew up." He is struck by Kristen's character which renders him unconscious.

Flash back to the season finale....why didn't this same thing happen to Sylar? I mean Sylar is a little wimpier looking than Peter plus Peter can heal himself so the effects of the energy bolt should have been less than Sylars.

Also, I don't know how many Mexicans you have ever run into but how many do you know that are as trust worthy as the ones in the show...especially real Mexicans that were on the run in Mexico and run into this gringo and all of a sudden the sister is in "love"???

WTF ever!

But just like every other shit stick out there, I will return to see next season because I guess, yes, I really am a dumb ass!

Gently blow between balls

A museum experiment or a man's secret way to get her to practice?

Email humor 12/03/2007

COWBOYS

Brett Favre, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Packers' flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Brett," said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here."

Brett felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and silver sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Dallas Cowboys' flag, and in every window a Cowboys silver star.

Brett looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said, "So what do you want to know, Brett?"

"Well, why does Tony Romo get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Tony Romo's house; it's mine."

Email humor 12/01/2007

It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!

Sure felt good to sit back and enjoy the start of the Christmas season!

Email humor 11/30/2007

Bubba, the doctor's helper...

A doctor in rural Texas wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant Bubba.

"I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Bubba.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Bubba how was your day?"

Bubba said he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Great," says the doctor, "and what about the second one?"

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Bubba.

The doctor replies, "You're good at this, Bubba. And what about the third patient?"

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen a man!'"

"And what did you do, Bubba?" asks the doctor.

Bubba replied, "I put drops in her eyes."

Daily Dilbert

The joke is probably lost on the blogosphere but it's almost true to life with me and my work. I have a goatee (with dark hair like scene 3 guy) and then there is this other guy who just recently started his goatee (like uncoolness guy in all three scenese). Anyway...

LCD versus DLP Projector

If you are a techie-nerdie-type like me, you want to project your movies and/or video games on something that a television just can't be big enough for or if it can, is cost prohibitive. I've seen these advertisements for projectors at 3000 lumens (LCD) or 1000 lumens (DLP) and have always wondered what the major difference between the two technologies (LCD and DLP) were besides price and lumens.

Well, I found a decent web site that pretty much spells it out for you. It's called AVPartner.com. Check out their buyer's guide for a decent explanation.

Dallas Stars billboards

Here is a GIF of the new Dallas Stars' billboards this season seen around town.

Email humor 11/16/2007

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, What happened to my booger?

Ocean's 13

I just finished watching Ocean's 13. The movie was pretty good. It's basically like '12' and '13' but still entertaining. I'd rent it for cheap or borrow it from a friend. You won't be disappointed.

Additionally, I must comment that Ellen Barkin looks pretty damn good for being what...53?! I'm a bit sad that this wasn't rated 'R' and she got a little risque. Hehe!

Anyway, like I said. It's worth watching if you got it for cheap or free for sure.

Oh yeah, I also saw a guy I haven't seen on television in a long, long time. It was the guy that used to play Super Dave Osbourne on this half hour comedy show on Showtime back in...shit, like the 1980s...with John Byner as the host. Yay! I was able to google it. It was called Bizarre.

UPDATE: I found a picture of Super Dave...he did some funny stuff.

Email humor 11/13/2007

Email humor 11/09/2007

WIFE's CAR

(read before viewing picture)

So, your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.

You're okay with it because you get to watch sports all night.

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 am.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo she drove last night.

You are happy to see it all in one piece. But . . . Wait a minute . . .

Email humor 11/02/2007

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"



The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"



So the koala looked down at him and said,



"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude.....How much water did you drink?!!

Email humor 10/23/2007

The things one can find at Ikea

We were shopping at Ikea in Frisco yesterday and this is one of the items we saw...

To me, it looks like someone figured out what to do with all their recyclable pink vibrators or they were trying to capture another use for udders!

Mauled squirrel

So, I wake this morning around 7:15 a.m. and hear this "chirping" sound downstairs in the backyard. I figured it was a bird freaking out at seeing our dog out back.

I came downstairs and was getting my shoes and socks on in the sun room when I see my dog out back by the tree. I look to see what she's doing and it turns out that the chirping was not a bird but instead a squirrel wailing for survival.

My dog is picking up the squirrel, shaking it back and forth a few times and then letting it go. It's quite an amusing sight but nonetheless, I had to get her to drop it and leave it alone so I could get her in the house and do something with this ailing squirrel.

She wasn't trying to eat it. She was purely playing with it. Now, how she got it in the first place is unknown but I patted her head for her first varmint "kill."

Of course, what kind of proud owner would I be if I didn't take pictures of her accomplishment.

Email humor 10/12/2007

Email humor 10/04/2007

Email "chain letter"

This was worth posting but it certainly didn't fall under "Email humor for the day"...


Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin.

But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here.

Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.

We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
          —Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Every American citizen needs to read this!

Pictures from our trip to the State Fair of Texas

 

Buffalo

Bear

"Manny" the Mammoth

"Manny" the Mammoth

Mannequin pervert at the fun house

Big Tex

Man with no body (illusion)

New Skytram

Wendy's disappoints me

They way I see it is if they have to order the fucking menu items in English why the hell can't they understand that they need to "PULL FORWARD" in English!!??

eBay bidders are stupid

As a 'veteran' eBay customer, I am appalled at the stupidity of other bidders. If we'd all just band together to SNIPE instead of BID, someone (maybe you, maybe me) would come away with a very good deal on an eBay item, as long as there wasn't a RESERVE PRICE.

For example, I'm looking into getting the Sony Cybershot T100. I've been watching a few auctions on eBay selling this product. The starting price is like $9.99 and the auction is for 5 days. On the first or second day, some moron bids and then another, showing the current bid price to be, say, $75.00. On day three, someone bids again and now the price is $125.00. It continues to "ending today" status and the bid is up to $275.00. Finally, the auction ends and the moronic bidders have pushed the winning price to $400+ not including shipping and handling of around $20.

The lowest RETAIL price listed on Amazon is $349 + s/h of about $11 + taxes of 8.75% (TX) for a total of about $388. Circuit City down the street had it for about $399 and on sale once for $349.

So, the point of buying on eBay (to get things at a much cheaper price than you would at a local retailer) is lost with the winning bid at $400+. Why in the HELL would you pay more for an item on eBay and have to wait for the product when you can go down the street and get the item for less and play with it TODAY??

The other eBayers do it because they are dumb, stupid, ignorant, retarded...I could go on and on!

So, fellow eBayers, use that little brain you were given and wait...wait...wait...and wait more until the final minute of an auction's ending to bid. Granted it makes it more interesting to bid this way but it also will help you get an item WAY cheaper!

If I can't get something on eBay for at least 25%-50% off, then I'll just get it at the local store.

Email humor 09/22/2007

Are the patterns moving?


Or are they perfectly still?




The patterns are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.

Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly.

However, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

None of these images are animated -- they are perfectly still.

How did you do with the test??

If you did NOT see any movement in the patterns, look closely at the following photo.

Why you should watch tennis

Ana Ivanovic from Serbia. Just one of the beautiful reasons to watch tennis...okay, women's tennis. Oh yeah, she actually can play, really well, unlike Anna Kournikova.

Glass? I think it's glass...

So, I'm walking down the hallway of my office building to go to the men's room and this is what I saw. I think it was pretty obvious that it was GLASS but I guess someone had to be visually reminded with pen and paper. The one thing that bothered me is that I didn't see the Spanish translation for glass underneath the English. That's sarcasm in case you didn't get it.

     

Email humor 09/19/2007

Trip to the Ft Worth Museum of Science and History

Tyranosaurus Rex

One of the stages of birth

Metal turle

Email humor 09/06/2007

Driving in Dallas, Texas

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. (Frisco has screwed everything up.) Dallas has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in
Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline," which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN'T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth !"

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators - and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road , Marsh Lane, Josey Lane , 15th Street , Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road , go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed... and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!

A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it's Spring) - and it is the Texas State Fair if it's Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers ... remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

Email humor 09/05/2007

Oriental Eye Exam

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,