Packers defeat Cowboys on 01/15/2017

Dear Cowboys friends and fans,

I must apologize and take responsibility for causing the Cowboys' loss to the Packers today.

No, it wasn't the seemingly blatant favoritism towards the Packers by the refs: their bad-calls/no-calls, no-calls/bad-calls.

It was me!

Frustrated, I stopped watching at halftime with Cowboys 10 Packers 21.

Sometime later while surfing the web, I saw an update showing the game score tied at 31. So, I turned the game back on with 53 seconds left and well, you know how it ended.

Yeah, I have that kind of power. The Force is strong in my family although I'm the only one who has it.

So anyway, again, it was me and not the officiating.

My Redbox rental blunder

I was in Lubbock over the weekend. While there, I was curious if there was a Redbox in town and if so, how close to my hotel because I had a coupon code for a free rental that expired on Sunday the 21^st. I found one but didn't really find a movie that I wanted to watch and I really didn't have much time to watch it between the activities for which I was in Lubbock. So, I just closed down the Redbox app on my phone.

Late Sunday night, I get home and think I'll use my coupon before it expires on some random but hopefully good movie. I open the app, find a movie, add to cart, enter promo code and as I hit the checkout/confirm (whatever it is) button, I realize too late that it still has the Lubbock location selected. So, I reserved a freaking "free" movie in Lubbock but I'm now in freaking Dallas!

So, that's my weekend blond moment. I've screen captured a portion of my receipt for all those that give a shit to prove my blondness. No big deal really because they send me coupon codes all the time. I just hate wasting "free" stuff and doing silly stuff like this...that's why I'm Absent-minded Jay.

Halloween costume advert...no, this is NOT spam

I have purchased one or two things from this company before: Gadgets and Gear. I originally thought this was spam with the subject line reading: "Be a Giant Penis This Halloween!" But it was not. It is funny though.

 

∞
That's all I got to say about that!
 

Is this the perfect shirt or what?

Saw this at Walmart or was it Target? I don't remember.




Sent by Absent-Minded Jay via his Samsung S3

A few Mother's Day gift suggestions from Buy.com

I'm on the email list for Buy.com's daily/weekly/specialty deal notifications. Today's specialty notification was for the upcoming Mother's Day. The subject title was "Gifts for Mom..." I don't think Buy.com is making too many friends with this particular email...at least I wouldn't if I were a mother.

The first gift is this:

Wouldn't you know that this is the top choice of your dear old mother or even your wife, mother of your children? It subtly says, "Get your ass in the kitchen where you belong and fix my dinner...bitch!"

Let's move on to exhibit number 2:

Once again, a stellar choice for Mother. It says, "After you fix my dinner, get your ass in there and clean the place up...bitch!"

And finally, if you truly want spend your days in the doghouse, exhibit number 3 will complete the task for you:

The bestest gift of them all that says, "You're fat, fucking exercise and lose some weight. You're an embarrassment!"

All loving gifts to spend your hard-earned money on.

Side note: Don't get me wrong. I shop at Buy.com often. They have many good deals and I have never had any issues with the shopping and buying experience. I'm merely commenting on the funny ways marketing is done.

It's un-American!

I overheard a conversation at work that I thought was amusing between two men.

One guy...let's call him Troy...is from Abilene, TX and is pretty much redneck through and through (very nice guy though) with a BIG 18x22 sized (I guess) framed Texas flag.

One guy...let's call him Kevin...is from Georgia, Alabama or some parts like that. He's a great guy/people person and seems like he could be a huge tailgating-type person because he loves to have fun and drink beer.

So, Kevin walks down the hall to Troy's office and stops in the doorway...

Kevin: How's it going Troy? You been watchin' any basketball?

Troy: No, I don't watch basketball.

Kevin: Well, that just un-American!

End of conversation that I paid attention to.

∞
That's all I got to say about that!
 

Email humor 03/31/2011

Email humor 03/25/2011

SMART ASS

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!

Email humor 03/22/2011

For all you English majors out there.....

Lewinsky and Kaczynski

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational.'

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern)and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.


And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Email humor 02/23/2011

 
Getting A Parking Ticket

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a Nazi.

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

∞
That's all I got to say about that!
 

Email humor 02/09/2011

Email humor 01/25/2011

Email humor 01/12/2011

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

∞
That's all I got to say about that!
 

Email humor 12/20/2010

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∞
That's all I got to say about that!
 

All I see is BOOBS

This image is from the Planning Guidance for Response to a Nuclear Detonation.

I guess it should be/could be a serious thing if a nuclear detonation actually happened but all I see is BOOBS!

Email humor 12/09/2010

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Consider Yourself Randomized!

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Email humor 12/03/2010

Email humor 11/28/2010

This a funny e-card I was sent for the Thanksgiving holiday.

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Consider Yourself Randomized!

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A conversation overheard in the office

There are certain things that should not be spoken of between two people, who barely know each other, especially at work. The following is a brief recap of a conversation between two males—one here for 5+ years and the other just started last Monday. In fact, this was more of a one-sided conversation started by 5-yr-guy.

7-day-guy started with a goatee last Monday. This Monday it was shaved but he still had the moustache. 7-day-guy was sitting in his office today.

5-yr-guy approached 7-day-guys's door and loudly said, "So, are you going to shave different body parts until you are just left with sideburns? Is this a personal or professional choice or what?"

7-day-guy mumbled something and then I heard, "It's just that time of year for me to do it."

5-yr-guy walks back into his office while 7-day-guy seemingly bolts out into the hallway to get the hell away from the newly-labeled-by-7-day-guy-weirdo-in-the-office guy.

If this conversation was just between 5-yr-guy and 7-day-guy, then it probably would have just been weird for 7-day-guy. But I heard it and at least two lady coworkers heard it. So, we all have to share in the weirdness.

WEIRD!

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Consider Yourself Randomized!

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Email humor 11/17/2010

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, ‘first class isn't going to Toronto’".