Shape matters, size matters not...

I was told by someone today that you can tell the health of your body by the shape of your shit. The shape of your shit?!

Now, they weren't talking cancer-detecting. But health-detection, as in maybe a fever or some minor "shit" (hehe) like that.

So, take this down: If you shit a solid piece and it's curved like a banana, then it must be a banana you sick ass! Ha, ha! Just kidding...I hope.

If your shit is curved like a banana, then you are healthy. If it's nugget-fied or ass-shrapnel, then you've got some kind of ailment.

Tell your doctor how you came to the conclusion of your sickness when you go to see him. See if they don't put you in a padded room.

The "shit" people will believe.

Kandoo wipes

I was taking a leak in a neighbor friend's bathroom and saw these on the tank of the toilet.

I thought it was kind of funny that the brand name of these ended in "doo." That made me chuckle. You know like, "Doo Doo!" Ha!

It's also kind of funny to see how they have the frog wiping its ass with a wipe on the side of the container.

Crazy weird!

Vet visit

I'm at the vet and I completely agree that expressing my pet's anal glands is best left to the professionals!



Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Toilet blogging

As I sit here in stall #1 doing #2, I began to wonder why the hell it is so freaking hot in here.

I feel like I'm using a port-a-potty during a Saturday afternoon T-ball game at the local park. The only thing that is missing is the hundred other piles of shit at the bottom of the "pot" to make this necessary event more undesirable!

Two things just came to mind: 1) the campus must not have changed the system yet from "winter" mode to "hot-ass spring" mode since it is like 80+ degrees outside and 2) how weird should I feel blogging from the pooper about pooping?

I'm okay with it!


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Doodie doodling

I did this some time ago...I think around June 2008. I was having an unordinarily long (time not size) poop session in my work's men's room. I had my pen with me and decided to DO something else while waiting for the task at hand to complete.

I remembered when I was in junior high school how we all used to decorate our book covers (yeah, remember those? Now they have neoprene book "condoms" for the school books) with the logos of bands. You know back in the day when bands were known just as much for the logo as their songs like Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Def Leppard, and Van Halen. If I have time, maybe I'll google the bands to see if I can get their logos.

Anyhow, this is what I did in my everlasting patience. It's been a long time since I took it because I used my Blackberry and forgot about the pics until I loaded all the cellphone pics onto my computer the other day.

Oh well, here's the pic:

Ambidextrous Wiping

Are you able to wipe your ass (after going #2, of course) with either hand?

I can't...at least not efficiently AND effectively.

That's all!


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Toilets

So, as I just got done getting my ass ripped by a massive shit...yes, it's graphic but you didn't see the log!...a thought came to mind during the pain and suffering that I survived.

I think ALL toilets/plumbing should be of industrial strength and build. I mean how often do you hear about businesses having backed up toilets? The toilet I used has a motion/heat sensor and when I leaned a bit to wipe it automatically flushed. Luckily, I was prepared and I had to lean forward and increase the height my ass was above the seat a bit more otherwise, I think I would have had my own "stuff" splashed back up on my ass! Also, I could feel the pull of the suction when the toilet flushed. I was lucky I didn't get sucked into the nasty depths of public facility hell! I mean it sucked that huge log I laid like it was a cotton ball. It was quite amazing!

So, why don't they put in this kind of plumbing in all buildings, houses, etc., etc.? I'm no plumbing expert but is there some special plumbing that is used for the businesses versus the homes? The toilets themselves look like they should be universal between the two but it's the suction-flush versus the bowl-flush that must be the difference. Not to mention the piping must be much bigger since sometimes, often too many times, the home piping gets clogged from one simple but huge pooping!

Ah well! Note to self: if you ever decide to buy another house, build it and put industrial plumbing and toilets!

The men's room and a newspaper

Do you bring a newspaper with you to the men's room at work? The bathroom at home?

Is it a necessary distraction while pooping or an assistant like "go-lightly?"

I ask as I sit here in stall number one typing on my Blackberry because on the floor I see today's Quick and some business journal.

I'm tempted to pick up the Quick from but the "germ-genies" appear on my shoulders telling me "don't pick it up" or "pick it up."

I don't see any real problem with picking it up because it's not like I'm not going to wash my hands after I'm done going #2.

My wife on the other hand would be freakin' the shit out!

I refrain from picking it up but wonder how many others may or may not. Okay, I really don't wonder for long but it did flash across my mind.

If and when I bring a paper with me to a stall, I usually slip it between the shutter-like slats of the door to keep it off the germy floor in case the next occupant needs reading material. I'm just thoughtful like that. And I don't like to litter the restroom - yes, leaving your previously viewed newspaper on the floor of the restroom stalls is littering, to me.

Anyway, this was just another random thought that popped into my head while I was going #2. It happens a lot when I am on my "throne" because it's too much time for me NOT to think.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Charmin Toilet Tissue

This evening the family and I went to Target to get some necessities...the main one being toilet tissue. One roll left for a family of four with two children that use more to wipe than their little asses will ever need is not going to last more than a day.

We are an economy-size family in the sense that I like to buy things like toilet tissue, paper towels, paper plates and such in a decent amount of supply at a reasonable price so I don't have to make too many trips to get more within a certain time period.

So, once at Target, the wife and kids go to look at clothes, swimsuits and stuff. I head to get the necessary toilet tissue purchase before I forget the whole (real) reason I went to Target. I get to the toilet tissue section of the aisle and I see Charmin Ultra Soft 30pk and Charmin Ultra Strong 30pk...both for $16.99. They are the double-ply I guess because it said something like, "30 rolls that seems like 60." What the hell ever! It's 30 rolls unless you ration the tissue squares and count them to know when you have reach the typical one roll.

I can't decide if I want "Soft" or "Strong." It really doesn't matter as they are both fairly soft to the touch and strong...it's not like I can do a "Bounty-test" to see what their strength difference is. One bag is blue and the other is red.

Oh the dilemma!

What decides it for me? If you look at the Charmin Ultra Soft in the blue packaging you will see under the description "Our Softest Touch & Most Absorbent" in smaller writing something to the extent of "Nuestro mas suave y mas absorbente." It's not exact as I can't remember it completely from the packaging so I used Babel Fish.

If these non-English speaking/reading Mexican mother fuckers can't understand something as simplistic as describing toilet paper, then why are manufacturers catering to their ignorance and enabling them to continue to be English illiterate?!?!?! I see it everywhere in everyday life...the grocery store, the gas station, McDonald's and Wendy's. Everywhere and I'm sick of it. Our melting pot of a nation should make English the official language of the United States and if you can't speak it, GET THE FUCK OUT! I believe I've mentioned it before but I don't think you see bilingual signs of German/English, Chinese/English or French/English in those countries. But in America, we cater to stupid fucks! It's the American way because it's not just the "foreigners" we hand hold but also the dumb ass "Americans" that are born and bred here.

I guess I'd better get off my podium.

That was the deciding factor though....Spanish "subtitles" or not and I went with not!

The "poop man" cometh...but did he goeth

So, I think in the past I've written about the disgusting bastards that use the office restroom to create their own Van Gogh's artistry on the seat and back of the toilet. Well, it's happened again!

I had to go #2 and on my floor there is only one restroom with two stalls. The first stall (after entering) is cozy and the second is spacious because it is for the wheelchair bound occupant. Anyway, I like cozy but some shithead (literally) crapped on the back of the toilet seat. I really had to go so I thought I'd get a HUGE wad of toilet paper to see if I could wipe off the droppings. They didn't come off with a few simple wipes and I'm not scrubbing a toilet of someone else's shit just so I can shit in the same bowl.

So, I have to use spacious cubby number 2. Which actually isn't as big as I thought it was but it was still not the coziness I prefer. While on the pot, I heard someone else come in the restroom and enter pod one and close the door behind themselves. I hear the toilet roll spinning and I hear flushing and spinning and flushing and spinning and flushing. I finally hear a "fuck" and the door opens up. I thought this person was going to just leave and go to another floor but instead this person uses a urinal.

While he is using the urinal and I'm still doing my "job," I hear another person come in, says "hello" to the first guy and then enters pod one. I hear more spinning and flushing. Urinal guy finishes and leaves. I finish and exit pod two and notice that pod one's door is still closed. I hear more spinning and flushing as I wash my hands, dry my hands and exit the restroom. So, I don't know if guy number 2 (pun intended) continued trying to clean the toilet or moved to pod two and got 'er dun!

So, that's my ramble. I guess I pay too much attention to some things. I can see the conversation with the wife when I get home.

Wife: "So honey, what's up at work?"
Me: "Well, around noon I had to go poop and..."

Humor for the day 04/23/2007

So, after my "class" bitch session...how about something funny?

From my desktop calendar my boss got me, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?", based off of the book of the same name. It's just part of the daily entry that I thought was funny...

WHAT CAUSES MORNING BREATH?
In Australia, a country founded on criminals, they say that the "poo fairy" comes at night to take a dump in your mouth.

Plunging the toilet

This is what I spent doing from about 9:30 p.m. Saturday until about 3 a.m. Sunday. I think when my nephew took a shit before he and I left around 7 p.m. to go eat at North Main BBQ he used too damn much toilet paper. I don't understand why people think the more toilet paper they wrap around their hand the better it is to wipe their ass but that's the only thing I can assume that caused it. Especially since he was in the can for a good thirty minutes.

The bad thing about my plumbing, which I'm sure it is with most house plumbing, is usually when my toilet gets stopped up the bathtub gets stopped up as well. Also, if I flush the toilet it will drain up through the piping of the bathtub and into the bathtub. What's fun about that is sometimes you get some nice toilet paper residue, ass shrapnel or anything that may have been washed down the kitchen sink drain after being chewed up in the garbage disposal.

So, the above pictures are (1)the toilet with plunger after one of my many plunger sessions and (2)the bathtub after one of the backups into it. Oh, and to answer the burning question...yes, I did get it unclogged. Well, I didn't. I called the emergency repair number for our rental real estate service and they sent out a plumber around 3 p.m. or so today. He had to get his "machine" and stick it through the - oh, I forget the term he used but anyway - "pipe" and rootered it. I saw a bunch of roots of the thin, stringy variety. At first I thought they were my wife and kid's hair from using the shower but after closer inspection, it really was thin, stringy roots.

So, that's the fun I had this weekend. Oh yeah, beside my kids getting the flu. All was good.

Dirty sanchez

I try to keep this blog as PG-13 as possible but occasionally I may slip. I just couldn't not share this.

I didn't know what a "dirty sanchez" was until about six months ago. Who would have thought of 1) doing this and 2) giving it such a name?

It's funny and disgusting at the same time and it just HAD to be shared! You'll need to scroll down because I wanted to give fair warning.

-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->
-->

The hazards of Googling the word "whiff"

I was typing the previous post and wanted to ensure I was spelling the word "whiff" correctly. I couldn't decide if it was "wiff" or "whiff" like in the meaning of "Did you get a whiff of that?"

Anyway, I click in my Google toolbar, type in "whiff" and hit ENTER. The number one entry on the Google search was this...click on the picture to see what it is. I no longer cared how to correctly spell "whiff".

Grosser than gross

How gross is it to walk into the men's room in the office and see an ass-shrapnel explosion on the back of the toilet in stall number one!?

That's just as bad as the sweaty outlines of a hairy ass and legs on the toilet seat that I spoke of in a previous post.

People are disgusting!