Email humor 07/23/2018

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied, "My husband's check book!!"

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'" Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"

Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

Pharmacist asks a customer, "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription .... Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"

Email humor 06/13/2014

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Email humor 04/22/2013

Email humor 03/21/2013

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

Email humor 12/01/2012

Once an old man spread rumors that his neighbor was a thief. As a result, the young man was arrested. Days later the young man was proven innocent. After being released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.

In the court the old man told the Judge: "They were just comments, didn't harm anyone." The judge told the old man: "Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper. Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out. Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence." Next day, the judge told the old man: "Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday."

The old man said: "I can't do that! The wind spread them and I won't know where to find them." The judge then replied: "The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it. If you can't speak well of someone, rather don't say anything."

"Let's all be masters of our mouths, so that we won't be slaves of our words."

Death asked Life: Why does everyone love you and hate me?

Life replied: Because I am a beautiful Lie and you are painful Truth.

Email humor 09/25/2011

Do you remember seeing these letters in grade school?

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Shuttle Cock

Email humor 05/03/2011

Email humor 04/20/11

Jumping On the Bed

Gotta love women...

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men, they just never know when to shut up, do they?)

Email humor 03/01/2011

Today's grammar lesson:

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many, who text message and email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the following statement. I cannot stress enough that grammar is important:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

This lesson is finished.

Email humor 07/27/2010

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

Email humor 08/31/2009

Random Thoughts of the Day:

• I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

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Swine Flu Symptom Check

If you wake up looking like this, don't go to work.

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Email humor 06/24/2009

This was sent to me a long time ago but I was cleaning out some of my Outlook folders and thought it was worth posting.

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TOUGH TIMES? A LETTER TO THE SPOILED

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 40, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so fuckin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet--we wanted to know something; we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter--with a pen! and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingere section of the JC Penney catalog!

Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1978!

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Email humor 10/31/2008

COLORED FOLKS

This was written by a black guy in Texas.... so funny..... what a great sense of humor and creativity!!!!!!!!!!

When I born, I black, when I grow up, I black, when I go in the sun, I black, when I cold, I black, when I scared, I black, when I sick, I black, and when I die, I still black.

You white folks.....when you born, you pink, when you grow up, you white, when you go in the sun, you red, when you cold, you blue, when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple, and when you die, you gray.

So who you calling colored folks?

More email humor 09/09/2008

Ah, Florida!

Email humor 12/04/2007

WINTER DRIVING

It happens to all of us, one time or another...........



So I was driving this morning, and this dick in a truck pulls out in front of me.........

Email humor 08/24/2007

I did what you told me...
I sent the email to 10 people like you said...
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen...

Email humor 08/08/2007

Not actually email humor but saw this somewhere on the world wide web and thought it was funny.

Email humor 12/04/2006

Just enough time to quickly post some email humor I received today...

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Living Wills..........be careful in their use.

While I was watching the NCAA playoff games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted
to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

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A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night .
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Email humor 09/21/2005

Wherever there is tragedy, a little humor can sometimes make things better...

The Mayor of New Orleans was asked about his position on Roe vs Wade?

He said he didn't really care how people got out of the city.