Email humor 12/31/2008

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers and we will never find out!

Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

If you read the post before this one, it may make a little more sense...or not.

The family visited the Gaylord Texan on December 22nd. We walked around to see all the different Christmas decorations and we came across the trains and miniature town. It reminded me of the neighborhood that the camera would pan over and through during the intro to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

Here are the pics of the town/train. They are quite big and will open in a new browser window.



Check the video here but skip to about 1:20 on the ticker and you'll see what I'm talking about:

ICE sculpture exhibition

Back on December 22nd, the family and I went to see the ICE! at the Gaylord Texan in Grapevine, Texas. I've always wanted to go since it started, a year or two or so ago, but never got around to it. It's not so much that it was said to be fantastically awesome or anything like that. It was more of something that I just wanted to do and say I did it.

And that's what it turned out to be. It wasn't fantastical at all. It was very cold but not miserably so because it wasn't that long of an exhibition. It was neat to see the few but large ice sculptures. The ice slide wasn't that interesting because you really don't slide down it unless you sit and lean back on the parka they gave you at the entrance to keep warm (if you opted for it which I recommend doing so unless you have your own VERY heavy winter coat!). The slide "attendees" didn't bother telling anyone this so a lot of the people who "slid" down arose at the bottom of the slide quite disappointed. I didn't wait in line to go down it but my kiddos did and they said, "It definitely wasn't worth the wait or extra cold temperatures!" The extra cold temperature in the "slide" room was to make sure the slide didn't melt after all the sliding and such. It was so cold in that room that it drained the juice out of my very recently charged camera batteries. After the slide room, there was like two more rooms of huge ice sculptures and the exhibition was over in about 7 1/2 minutes if we exclude the 20 minute wait time in the slide room.

Personally, I think it was very cool but not worth my $60+tax ($20 per adult, $10 per child). Yes, I got gypped but, again, it was something I wanted to do and now I can say, "I came. I saw. I got gypped. I will tell all my family and friends to spend their money on something else." The kids thought it was cool too but it was nothing that I have heard them enthusiastically share with their friends. It's more of an, "Eh, we went to see the ICE sculptures and it was cool but it wasn't that exciting." I can deal with that attitude because I felt the same.

So, it's a been there done that family memory capture with my digital camera. Here's a few pictures to enjoy so you won't have to spend $60. They are quite large and will open in another browser window.

Eddie Murphy

Was Eddie Murphy the first (at least one of the first) black actors to have a "singing career" along with the acting? Did he pave the road for others like Jamie Foxx?

Things that make you go...hm? Are you old enough to remember Eddie singing? Check it out:

Red Bull "Sex" Commercial

My nephew and niece came over the other day and were talking about this Red Bull commercial where one character grabs the boob of another character. I had to watch it a few times because it didn't look like a boob grab at first but then it happens fast and it is definitely a boob grab. Some serious boob-cuppage!

If you want to fast forward to "the grab," it's at about 11 seconds.

Merry Christmas 2008 and Happy New Year 2009!!

Just a quick post to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

That's right "CHRISTMAS" Not Happy Holidays.

For all you other religions or non-religions, take it as a gesture of good will. It's not a malicious statement and it never has been. So, for those that find it offensive...shut the fuck up and worry about the things that ARE ill will.

If you have a problem with Christmas, then I don't think you should get a PAID holiday day off for it. Get your ass back to work! See, Christmas isn't so bad after all, huh? And Merry Christmas never hurt anybody.

Anyway, I'll get off my podium and go back to the Christmas cheer!

May ye all be merry and have a fun, memorable, exciting Christmas and New Year!

Email humor 12/20/2008

Church choir takes on hip hop

This is one of the funniest things I've seen/heard. Worth it to hear the singing and see the faces of the choir members. It also makes me think that the gospel songs are much easier to sing than most people think. Anyway, enjoy...

Email humor 12/18/2008

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Burger King

I love the smell of Burger King. You know that smell. That flame-broiled aroma.

Mmmm.

I was driving down the street during lunch today and passed by a Burger King. Too bad I was already planning on going to Taco Bell. T-Bell doesn't typically smell as good but the food is better.

Thinking about Burger King just reminded me of something...

I passed by one the other day. I didn't pass as closely as I did today so no flamey-broiledness but I did see a change in something they advertise on the big windows around the indoor playground.

It said, "2 Whoppers for $4." Now, that's not a big deal in itself but a few weeks before, I passed this same Burger King and the big banner said, "2 Whoppers for $3."

If that's not showing you where the bad economy really hits, I don't know what will!

Random thought over......

Pulse 2: Afterlife (2008)

Pulse 2: Afterlife (2008). I just finished watching this movie.

I must say that it is quite a disappointment. The best part was when this one...only one...hot chick showed her boobies but then she turned into like a pile of mush and tar-like substance.

I, like one other on IMDB, only got this Pulse 2 because I saw Pulse and thought it was an okay movie. Okay, both fairly sucked but I saw the first so I sort of policy of subjecting myself to the pain and suffering of watching the "sequel."

In my opinion, it is a good one to pass. I think I would have enjoyed bamboo slivers shoved under my fingernails more than I did this movie.

Verdict: Burn the section of the video store that holds this movie. It's not worth the time and effort the mailman expended to deliver it to me!

Email humor 12/12/2008

GOD WAS BUSY

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Toilets

So, as I just got done getting my ass ripped by a massive shit...yes, it's graphic but you didn't see the log!...a thought came to mind during the pain and suffering that I survived.

I think ALL toilets/plumbing should be of industrial strength and build. I mean how often do you hear about businesses having backed up toilets? The toilet I used has a motion/heat sensor and when I leaned a bit to wipe it automatically flushed. Luckily, I was prepared and I had to lean forward and increase the height my ass was above the seat a bit more otherwise, I think I would have had my own "stuff" splashed back up on my ass! Also, I could feel the pull of the suction when the toilet flushed. I was lucky I didn't get sucked into the nasty depths of public facility hell! I mean it sucked that huge log I laid like it was a cotton ball. It was quite amazing!

So, why don't they put in this kind of plumbing in all buildings, houses, etc., etc.? I'm no plumbing expert but is there some special plumbing that is used for the businesses versus the homes? The toilets themselves look like they should be universal between the two but it's the suction-flush versus the bowl-flush that must be the difference. Not to mention the piping must be much bigger since sometimes, often too many times, the home piping gets clogged from one simple but huge pooping!

Ah well! Note to self: if you ever decide to buy another house, build it and put industrial plumbing and toilets!

Commentators say the darndest things...

So, I was watching the Florida versus Alabama game this past weekend and no I am not a football fan, especially college football, but I do watch the occasional game. I watched the FL vs AL game because I know a few people who are rooters for both sides and thought it would be good to watch so they would have someone to discuss it with if they had absolutely no one else to do so. Yes, I would be their last resort and I am okay with that. As said, I am not a huge, obsessive football fan.

Anyway, to find some of my own entertainment value in these I am not completely "in to," I usually find something for shits and giggles in the commentators or freaky fans in the stands.

Two such things occurred for me: First, one of the TV commentators was talking about the Alabama coach and said,

"That coach only likes players that are ball friendly!"

Second, and I believe it was the same game, the TV commentator says,

"That coach only recruits players that have ball skills!"

Yes, slightly immature but funny as shit when I am someone that's not totally in it just for the game play! Although, it was a very good game and a lot of the plays were very impressive.

Craigslist posting

Another funny Craigslist posting. It's already been tagged for removal from the "FREE" listings:

Twilight

Here I sit, at the Angelika Theatre or Film Center about to watch Twilight with my oldest and their friend.

Before coming in but while at the ticket window, I tell the person I need two child and one student ticket. She looks at me and says, "I'm sorry. Did you say 'One student and two child?'" I said, "Yes," and showed her my "student" ID.

I was like, "What the hell, I can't be a 40-yr-old student?!"

Anyway, I will let you know how the movie was since I really have no idea what it is about.



Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Telemarketing call

I received a call today around 6:13 p.m. The caller ID is reflected in the following picture:



I'm not sure if it is a telemarketing call but it's really weird to use this as the caller ID.

It almost sends out fireworks stating: TELEMARKETER!

Again, I don't know for sure and a quick Google of it says it's from some calling service that some physician offices use for appointment reminders.

What the fuck do they pay their front desk people or nurses for?

Email humor 11/29/2008

Pregnant Turkey Story!!!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

D Magazine's blog - Frontburner

I was out running around today as I took a vacation day and just now had a chance to peruse the many sites I like to visit each day, many times a day.

Over at the Frontburner, I saw this posting and thought it was funny. Mainly because while reading the red-highlighted area, I can sing the words to the music from the commercial.


Oh well, it's the simple things that entertain me! Maybe it's not so for others.

Email humor 11/25/2008

I am a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I have been happily dating for over a year - and so we've decided to take the next step and get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It is her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes braless. She regularly bends down when she's near me. The view is always compelling. I'm thinking it has to be deliberate because she never does it when she's near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She's all alone when I arrive and whispers she has feelings and desires for me she can no longer overcome. She tells me she wants me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I'm in total shock and can't say a word. Then she says, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I am, needless to say, stunned and frozen in shock as I watch that wholesome hard body climb the stairs.

I stand there for a moment, then turn and make a beeline straight to the front door. I open the door and head straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family is standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugs me and says, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Free ballsack/teabag

Of course, it's not what you (well, I) thought it would be...

Email humor 11/17/2008

Always check your kid's homework...


Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.

Company presentation

Do you know what sucks? What sucks is when you have practiced and practiced to the point where you can recite your "speech" word for word without a hitch. But then, on "go" day, you flub!

That sucks!

What's worse?

I didn't really suck because I wasn't prepared or because I just plain sucked! I sucked because I got rushed. I shouldn't and don't fully blame my presentation member because I should have just kept my cool and did ma thang!

Without too much explanation, here is the scenario:

I was on a team of five members and we had to do a presentation on a company. We had to present five aspects (since there were five of us) from the coursebook and relate it to the company. The presentation cannot be longer than fifteen minutes long, which roughly translates to three minutes a team member. I was third in line to present.

We had an intro for about 30 seconds. The first person was about two and a half minutes. The second person was about three and a half minutes.

I'm third and when I got up to talk I saw the time card that said nine minutes left. I thought, "Damn that's not a lot of time for me and the two next people so I better get through mine quickly."

MISTAKE!

I bumbled about a quarter way through and didn't get any better. It wasn't totally bad...well, to me it was because I WAS prepared. I did manage to cut my time for the next presenters which allowed us to finish with twenty seconds left.

Again, I should have just eased on with my speaking part instead of freaky-fracking but that's what I did and it's done.

The problem is

1. I have to go watch the video...yes, the prof videotaped us...and give a self critique. The critique part isn't so bad. It's having to watch myself be a fucking retard! And...
2. It's irking the shit out of me like you wouldn't believe. It's one of those things that you know you could have and should have done well but just jacked it up way beyond you ever thought you would.

GOSH, I SUCKED!!!!

I don't think I'm going to be able to get over this for a few days or so. I'm going to replay it over and over inside my head and it's going to eat away at me from the inside out.

Grrrrr!

DAMMIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE I SCREWED UP!!!

See, it's eating at me...slowly but surely.

Samsung A900

My new BlackBerry is pretty cool with all the things it can do that I couldn't do or couldn't do easily with my Samsung A900 but...

What I do miss is something so simple and it really has no practical need.

On my A900, when a call would come in it would show the state from which the call was originating. Now again, this isn't a huge deal but I have relatives in many different states. When a number I'm not familiar with shows I can sometimes guess who it might be (someone I know or some random call) based on if I have a relative or two there.

It was a useful thing to me since so many random calls are made to me from missed keyed dialing, solicitations or valid family/friends calls.

All the BlackBerry does is flash the number...and caller ID, photo and/or ring tone if the number is in my address book. That's a little boring and so yesterday!

;-P


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Google is pretty creative

I'm sure everyone that uses Google knows that they often change their logo on the home page for different holidays/occasions/events.

Today, for election day, Google had the following image. I thought it was pretty nifty.

ANAL+

So, I was watching some tennis the other day...Saturday or Sunday or both, I'm sure. I love the Tennis Channel.

Anyway, the tournament was a men's competition called the BNP Paribas Masters.

I was losing interest because the play wasn't that great. I believe it was Roger Federer playing Juan Del Potro. It was really a one-sided match. I almost completely lost interest when I caught a few funny things that made it temporarily more interesting for about 45 seconds.

Normally, the tournaments have big name company sponsors like AIG (which just bailed on all tennis tournies for obvious reasons), Ricoh, Mercedes-Benz, and BNP.

I don't know who this ANAL+ is though. They did get quite a bit of "air time" with the camera angels during the players' service.



Okay, it's complete name is CANAL+ but it was still funny at the moment I saw it.

MATE dating service

As before, I have written about this service called "MATE."

I don't know the web address as I've never actually gone there. I see tons of advertising photos in my free Yahoo mail account for this and other "dating" services.

Anyway, take a look at this one that I saw in my account today.

 

Two things that caught my eye:

1. First, what would three HOT chicks need with a dating services? I mean look at them. I don't think they'd have any trouble getting any type of man for a date/mate.
2. Secondly, how can these "dating" services, especially dating services, use fake people as clients? Now I don't know about all three of the girls in this photo but the third one from the left is definitely NOT a client. She is a porn star!! That's right folks. Oh wait, maybe MATE dating services is a man's connection to dating (having fun with) a porn star. Awesome! Anyway, take a look here if you doubt my knowledge of this porn star. Her name is Sydney Moon. Don't ask how I know.

Email humor 10/31/2008

COLORED FOLKS

This was written by a black guy in Texas.... so funny..... what a great sense of humor and creativity!!!!!!!!!!

When I born, I black, when I grow up, I black, when I go in the sun, I black, when I cold, I black, when I scared, I black, when I sick, I black, and when I die, I still black.

You white folks.....when you born, you pink, when you grow up, you white, when you go in the sun, you red, when you cold, you blue, when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple, and when you die, you gray.

So who you calling colored folks?

Last day to drop

Well, the day that I take a look at where I stand grade-wise and make a very important decision: go forward and persevere or quit while I'm ahead (more like, not failing yet).

It is called the "Last day to drop with a 'W'". And it is on Wednesday, November 5^th.

I just took two tests for each of the two classes I'm enrolled. One on Tuesday and the other Wednesday.

The Tuesday test was for a class that I believe I am currently passing. I say this for the mere fact that the first exam I think I got in the neighborhood of a 75. I'm not sure because he does a point system. The points for exam one were 136. I think I got 100 which would be about a 74 but I think I got some extra credit added on top of that. I'm not for sure as I haven't been able or keep forgetting to swing by the prof's office and get my test. This second exam I think I got about an 80 but not for sure yet again. I will have to wait until next Tuesday. This class isn't the questionable one because we have two grades only, so far, and a project we are working on then one more exam.

The concern is the Wednesday one. I got a 61 on exam one. I have done well on in-class quizzes and an extra-credit plus attendance and class participation has been good. The prof rates the two highest exams as fifty percent of the overall grade and the lowest as twenty percent with quizzes and such making the extra thirty percent. So, depending on how I did on this exam will decide if I will hit the final day t drop with a 'W' or not.

Before I took the exam, I was way worried. After I took the exam, felt I did well unlike when I took exam one and didn't even answer a 15-pt question which started me out at an 85 right off the bat!

As mentioned, I'll have to see how it goes when I get my grade.

(fingers crossed)


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Email humor 10/30/2008

'Twas the night before elections'

'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

" On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi"
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

Technical Newsletters

I'm kind of a computer geek. I'm not one of those like serious nerds but I do like me some electronics and I occasionally like to work/toy with them to figure out how they work or how I can screw them up and make them work. It's not so prominent in my day-to-day life now that I'm older with a family and kids because they come first and then there are about a dozen other things and then there is "Jay time."

Anyway before I get to off topic. I have signed up with many online technical journals/webizines/etc. that I either receive their newsletters via email or on Google Reader.

A particular email newsletter that I joined within the past year or so but no more than two is called Ask Leo!. It's pretty informative, to an extent, but only if you click on a link within the email to "read the rest of the story" which opens your default browser back to the Ask Leo! web site where you can read the question and answer article.

I don't like to have to do that. It's a real pain in the ass and I usually don't click the link unless it's a topic in which I am REALLY interested. I prefer to read the question and see the answer in the newsletter. In my opinion, that's the whole point of signing up for the newsletter...so I don't have to visit the web site.

Kind of like WinXP News. There is also a Vista version but I have XP. Most of the questions are answered within the email newsletter. There are links to deeper discussions on certain topics like "Is big brother watching you?" or "Are you going to upgrade to Windows Vista or wait for Windows 7?" but the quick how-to/help questions are posted and answered within the email newsletter.

Anyway, I was going to rant a bit more about it but I actually started this post a couple of days ago and lost my train of thought.

Scented, Ribbed, Extreme Sensation or Super-studded

So, we were on our way back from a trip to Frederick, Oklahoma when I had to stop to get gas at a local, 'country' gas stop. I got gas and had to take a piss. In the men's room, this is what I see:

 

The best part of the "Super-Studded" is the added description of "With dozens of formed rubber studs! $1 off!" So, the rubber studs adds awesome tingling sensations and the $1 off means that normally ONE condom costs $1.75?

I thought this was funny strictly for the fact that there aren't many, if any, gas stations in the Dallas-area metroplex that still have condoms for sale from vending machines in the men's room. It's almost like the truck-er stops think that they are going to get laid every time they make a pit stop.

Now, isn't that a little presumptuous?

Oh well...

Email humor 10/16/2008

Best-selling Halloween costume...

Retired Hooter's girl

More awesome ads by True dating services

I believe I've typed about this before. This is a new ad. Instead of a static picture, it's more of a short video of this very sexy girl "chatting" on her computer. I don't know what it says because I was watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull while working on my computer.

Anyway, as mentioned previously in other entries, if everyone was guaranteed this hotness (men, obviously for this particular ad) I would think this company would be raking in the money.

Oh well, end of late-night random thought.

Email humor 10/14/2008

Chinese Medicine

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes,....... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.' The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself.

Stupid drivers

I think you should have to pass an IQ test at a certain level to legally drive a vehicle.

What happens is you get stupid people driving; They do stupid things; Then add talking on a cellphone and we've got accidents that are completely avoidable.

Take for instance just a few minutes ago. I was on my way somewhere when I came to a four-way traffic light that did not have a protected left turn and some mo-fo is just sitting at the light, holding up traffic while the light is green, talking on the freaking cell phone!

I mean come on, really. Just put the barrel of the gun in the mouth and pull the trigger. If you are stupid today, you'll be stupid tomorrow. Save us all the trouble!

Email humor 10/08/2008

MISSING HUSBAND

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

The men's room and a newspaper

Do you bring a newspaper with you to the men's room at work? The bathroom at home?

Is it a necessary distraction while pooping or an assistant like "go-lightly?"

I ask as I sit here in stall number one typing on my Blackberry because on the floor I see today's Quick and some business journal.

I'm tempted to pick up the Quick from but the "germ-genies" appear on my shoulders telling me "don't pick it up" or "pick it up."

I don't see any real problem with picking it up because it's not like I'm not going to wash my hands after I'm done going #2.

My wife on the other hand would be freakin' the shit out!

I refrain from picking it up but wonder how many others may or may not. Okay, I really don't wonder for long but it did flash across my mind.

If and when I bring a paper with me to a stall, I usually slip it between the shutter-like slats of the door to keep it off the germy floor in case the next occupant needs reading material. I'm just thoughtful like that. And I don't like to litter the restroom - yes, leaving your previously viewed newspaper on the floor of the restroom stalls is littering, to me.

Anyway, this was just another random thought that popped into my head while I was going #2. It happens a lot when I am on my "throne" because it's too much time for me NOT to think.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Iron Man (2008)

Iron Man (2008). Because of all the hoopla, I anxiously awaited to come to DVD.

I must say that it WAS a very good movie. It was well worth my free rental from Blockbuster.

Now that the accolades are complete, let's get to what wasn't acceptable with the movie. It's a short list as I don't like to dwell and it'll take too long to type from the Blackberry.

So, Stark built, tested and retested the suit along with attempts at proper flight. Jeff Bridges' character, I forget his name, jumped right in the "mammoth" suit and was able to maneuver and fly without any practice or first-attempt control mistakes.

Stark was kept alive in a 3rd world country, in a cave by a car battery and then some miniature arc reactor he built. Once he got stateside and way newer technology was available, why didn't they (Stark and/or American scientists/doctors) fix the, in my opinion, easily correctable problem with the shrapnel is his bloodstream?

I guess I should just stop there as some my think I obsessed over the too minor details in what is just a movie.

It's just sometimes these directors should be more consistent throughout a movie.

Oh well, rant put on permanent hold!


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Blogging from a Blackberry

If I could thumb-peck faster on my Blackberry, I could blog from it almost all of the time.

Random thoughts here. Random thoughts there.

It could be fun or not so much.


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Well, I got my ITOM exam 1 grade

And it was a big whopping 61! That's right folks, I am officially a D- student at this time and in this particular class.

Luckily she will way the lowest test grade as 10% of the grade and the two highest as 80% (the other 10% is quizzes, class participation and such). The tough thing is that I MUST do better, way better, on the next two tests to ensure a better overall class grade. I'm not shooting for the stars so a B- or above is fine for me.

Today, I have my first MNO-Management test. 68 multiple questions at 2 points each. Maybe the multi-choice will up my chances of a better grade since I'll have a limit of four options.

We'll see.

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The Love Guru (2008)

The Love Guru (2008) I watched this the other night and found it entertaining.

It wasn't one of Myers' best works...not even close. It had funny moments, very funny moments and just down right stupid moments.

It's worth a $1 rental or a pilfering from a friend if they rented/bought it but I wouldn't say it's a "must see."

I did enjoy it and came away from it with one of the best sayings ("bumper" sticker) that I've seen in a long time. It's a pity these haven't been marketed outside the movie yet. I'd probably buy one. Check out the screen capture below.

Sex in the City

Not for me...at least maybe not until late tonight.

I picked up Sex in the City: The Movie two days ago. I'm not a huge fan of the show although I have seen a few episodes. Before the movie made it to theaters, I had to rent the entire DVD collection for her to "recap" and I watch a few with her.

Anyway, I'll probably be watching "The Movie" later with the wifey and a lady or two from work.

Hopefully, that will give yours truly fringe benefits from the wifey later.

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I may have mentioned it before but college sucks!

I may have mentioned it before but college sucks!

This morning bright and early at 8 a.m. I started my first test in my operations management class. And boy was it a doosie! The damn thing was at least 7 pages long (I didn’t exactly count to make sure). It was only 13 questions long but each question was multi-part except for 5 questions that were multiple-choice.

I’m pretty confident I did well on all the questions except for one...because I didn’t even get a chance to answer it. I just went blank. I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t think of how to work the problem. I knew it was fairly simple but it just didn’t come to me. I thought and thought and thought and then the professor says, “You guys have about 5 minutes.” WHAT!? I knew right then I was screwed! That one question was worth 15 pts alone. So, I automatically start my grade at an 85. How great is that?

The problem wasn’t difficult but as mentioned I went blank. I did get home and was able to check my book and practice homework to see what I needed to do. It turns out the problem was just like one that the TA worked in our review session Monday night. That’s fucking great! I fucked up on a problem that I actually worked a little over 24 hours beforehand.

Thus, I can be labeled a complete DUNCE! Sheesh!

Oh well, I guess we’ll see how it goes when I get my expected disappointing grade. One positive is that she weighs our two highest exams at 80% and the lowest exam will constitute 10% of our grade. So, this could be my 10%. The last 10% is based off class attendance, participation, and quizzes.

(Thumbs crossed)

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How many times?

Can I take it in the ass from people who are supposed to be my friends?

So, I'm sitting in my CRV in the parking lot of a park where a "friend" and I play tennis often. It is in Colleyville and I drive from Dallas so it is only worth my drive if I for sure am playing...which is what, why and only the reason I ever drive out. I've been shafted once or twice before so I made it my "policy."

Well, I screwed that policy tonight!

My tennis buddy and supposed good friend emailed me to say he got a call to sub tonight for this league we sub for occasionally. He said that if I came out he'd bail on the doubles and we'd play singles.

Well, that didn't happen. I was fooled by his assurance, which I shouldn't have bee, because I know how white people are ALWAYS sticking it to people!

Now the nice guy part of me says we were both at fault. I didn't know he was here yet nor did he before he began the doubles. But then, to me, he should have bailed on the doubles once he knew I was there. I would have because he is my friend and these others are just acquaintances. Besides, I never would be in the predicament because I would have set plans with him before I accepted or denied the substitution offer.

I'm just that kind of guy and friend!

So here I ponder to stay or leave because I'm pissed off at another shitty friend. I already drove 30 minutes out here that I think I could just wait the two hours and kick his ass afterward when we play with a couple of other guys like we usually do. But then I think "what kind of dunce fuck would I look like to sit and wait after getting dicked?"

What to do, what to do?

If I stay, I'm going to play for me and then I won't honor any further requests by him to play. He doesn't push my skills anyway. I just play because we are friends and hanging out and playing is enjoyable...at least it was.

Fucking friends. Who needs them? Especially when I already have shitty brothers and sisters that used to do the same until I cut them out of my life!

Fucking "friends"!

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UPDATE: I decided to drive home and not play. I figured I would look like a chump and I could actually use the time to study for my ITOM exam 1 tomorrow morning bright and early at 8 o'clock a.m.

I talked it over with the wife and she knows that I'm the type of guy/friend that would have bailed on the doubles if I asked a friend to come out and play. That's just me. Apparently that's not my supposed good friend that I play tennis with. I truly think he didn't wan to bail on the doubles and look like an ass. I have no problem with that but he should have never asked me to come out and play as well. It's called double-planning and I had people who fucking do that because it always screws someone in the end. This time it just happened to be me.

Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me!!

The new Knight Rider show

So, tis the year(s) for remakes and Knight Rider is no exception. Although it doesn't have quite the cheesy acting of the Hasselhoff, it is a similar story line: man drives car, man and car kick ass, man and car solve the crime, man gets to bed the hot chicks. Thing is, the hot chick in the show is on his side and she's really HOT!

Anyway, it's a decent show for now. It definitely isn't any worse than many of the other shows on television right now.

What's funny is the NBC web site says the premier is September 24^th but I have already watch the first two episodes on Hulu. You also get to see some behind-the-scenes stuff and random clips of...stuff.

Here is the link to the shows on Hulu for as long as they last.

Anyway, enjoy!

Testing emailing from my new SPIFFY Blackberry

A week or so ago the wife and I upgraded cell phones and the plan. I can dig all this unlimited data/web/internet. Now if only I could get used to this smaller "full-size" keyboard I'd be good to go.

So, there was the test. I'm gone!

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A strained butt muscle

The Davis Cup semifinals between the United States and Spain ended in a blowout ass kicking for Andy Roddick by Rafael Nadal. You can read up on the story here but the thing that jumped out to my attention is this passage:

Nadal said after the match he nearly didn’t play because an MRI scan Saturday showed a strained buttock muscle.

If Nadal had to withdraw due to injury, how do you think he would have liked to be known as the guy who bailed due to a strained butt muscle!?

Now, that sounds funny!

By the way, in the article Roddick says that Nadal is the best clay court player and he (Roddick) isn't. I think Roddick would do better to realize that he is just a downward spiraling player...a one-shot pony...a has-been. Unless he is able to refocus like Agassi did, he should just hurry and get married so he can live off his earnings or his hot-model wife's!

Oh well!

Ace Ventura Pet Detective

Dude, I thought Ace Ventura Pet Detective was hilariously great. Jim Carrey was freaking hysterical.

Check out a GIF someone created.

Did I mention how much I hate working?

I do. It's a shitty thing that we are made to work to survive, especially if we have kids, a family.

Work isn't as welcoming as it used to be. It doesn't feel like it anyway.

I'm pissed. I'm bitter. I'm so easy-going that things roll off my shoulders at phenomenal speeds (usually) and I get over my pissed and bitterness. Some things I hold onto for a long, long time but others just kind of bounce off immediately or hang around for just a short time.

I don't think so today, especially since it's a culmination of a few days.

My immediate boss has push buttons that should not have been pushed. Not because I'm this unpushable button guy but because she crossed a line.

She complains to me about work and coworkers within our office using colorful language to do so. I try not to get sucked in because I can curse like a sailor with the best of them but I know it's not something I should not do at work especially with my immediate supervisor.

Anyway, I considered us on a friendly level...more than boss-underling...more like work friends. We weren't like this because I wanted it. I tend to distance myself because I know people will fuck me over. It is inevitable and always happens no matter who or what level of "friendship" you are on among yourselves. It pisses me off to get stabbed in the back or something of the like when I allowed them to be inside my "friend" web. Of course, these work friends aren't all the type of friends that I would go to world's end for. There are a couple but no more.

So, the other day I got out of my 8 a.m. class at 9:30 a.m. and I get a call from this sheet rock repair guy. We had some plumbing issues where the plumber had to cut in the wall and the sheet rock guy was coming to assess and fix the problem. He said he could meet right now (or then) otherwise it would be later in the day or even week. So, I made a judgment call. I came back into the office. My immediate supervisor was not at her desk so I told her equal counterpart that is sometimes a stand-in boss for me when the regular one is out of the office. I told the stand-in that I had to go home to meet the repair guy to let him in. She said, "Okay."

I didn't realize I'd have to stay there while they repaired the roughly 2' x 4' hole. They showed up to inspect it, took measurements and then went to get the supplies. They plugged the hole and then they had to seal and paint it. By the time this was completed, it was around 3 p.m. I emailed the boss lady and CCed the stand-in to let them know that I guess I will just take the full day as vacation since I had to pick my kids up from school at 3:30 p.m. and I didn't see any point in coming into the office for an hour afterwards. The boss lady replies saying, "Thanks for letting me know – was this a last minute issue? If not, you need to remember to ask for the time off in advance, even if it’s at the start of the day."

What the fuck is that!?

I felt like she is accusing me of making my own decisions on when I can take time off. I mean it would be nice but I know where I am on the food chain at work. That bitch pissed me off that day. I was reeling. After talking with the wife, I calmed a bit and then a few days passed and it slid under the rug. That was until she started talking to me the next day or so about her personal opinions, show watchings and such. I was like, "Why the fuck do I want to listen to you, bitch, when you just offended my intelligence?" Gah! I don't do a good job of letting all things go especially shit-ass statements from my supposed superiors...in title only, not in overall intelligence!

A couple of weeks later, I've sort of moved on. I don't get personal on my side of the conversations but she still feels the need to talk to me. I'm just too nice of a guy, I guess. Except for today!

The boss is out of town the entire week. The stand-in is here. I have a class on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I work through my lunch because the boss lady thinks I need to make up for that hour or so I am in class. Like that hour or any hour is that important in the grand scheme of things! It's not like we aren't in a slow time of the admissions cycle and there isn't much to do! I'm okay with it, to an extent. Basically, I deal with it until I complete my degree and then I'm going to be like, "What now, fuck sticks!?"

Anyway, the boss lady emailed the stand-in the other day this week saying something like, "[Jay] is supposed to be at his desk/office during this time but I couldn't get hold of him? Do you know where he is?" Again, what the fuck!? I know this about the email because the stand-in told me. In fact, I wasn't at the office because I was at the stand-in's house hooking up her new Bose DVD entertainment all-in-one system during what would be my work-thru lunch hour.

Oh well, it's the end of the day and I guess I'm done ranting. I got to go home and watch movies and hope that the weekend will help me mellow and forget and let it go.

I just need to ride it out and finish my degree in the next couple to three years and then give them the finger on my way out the door! I mean I don't have to leave but it would be nice to make them suffer since I can do all the people's jobs in my office but they can't do mine. That's sort of job security, right?

Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey

I remember when Patrick Dempsey was the token "geek" in his early movie career. Take for instance, Can't Buy Me Love and then Loverboy. He upgraded a little bit to a not so geeky geek in Run.

Fast forward a few years (or more) and you get him in Grey's Anatomy as "McDreamy". What a role change for him!

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting on the turn of events in an actor's life while the wife and I were watching Made of Honor and he's cast as the lady-laying Casanova.

We also saw Enchanted and he was the "prince" of that movie.

Anyway, there's a random post for ya.

Email humor 09/13/2008

Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings


As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the
firm's guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to
avoid fallen trees and limbs.


Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.


Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you
avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be
provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.


Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we
will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take
extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.


Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when
the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate
cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

Have A Nice Day!

Movie ticket purchasing kiosks

I took this picture almost a month ago when the kids and I went to Grapevine Mills Mall in Grapevine, Texas.

We parked near the entrance by the AMC Grapevine Mills 30 Movie Theatre. We walked by the entrance to the theatre and I saw one side with human ticket sellers and on the other side were electronic kiosks where you picked your movie and then slid your ATM/debit/credit card to purchase the tickets.

No human interaction needed until you walked into the entrance of the theatre building and the person tore your ticket in half and says, "To your left," or "To your right." It's the wave of the future!

Email humor 09/12/2008

Guys goes to the doctor and the doctor says, sir you’ve got to stop masturbating.
And the guy was like, Why? And the doctor says, so I can examine you.

---

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and goes, "Do you have some trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "No," so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

---

Q: What did the waiter say to the table of Jewish women?
A: Is anything all right here?

---

Guy’s having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away.

The guys says to his wife, “Well better talk to Timmy.”

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door and there’s Timmy nailing grandma. The father goes, “Oh my God!” and the kid goes, “NOT so funny when it’s your mom, is it?”

More email humor 09/09/2008

Ah, Florida!

Email humor 09/09/2008

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzle d groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

‘Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.....God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.'

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'But why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT!' This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'

Chuck Norris is Billy Badass

So, for some reason there is (has been) going around about Chuck Norris' badassness. Stuff like, "Chuck Norris eats tacks for dinner he's so tough" or "Chuck Norris swallows bullets and fires them out his butt to shoot bad guys he's so tough."

Well, I got an email earlier today about how Chuck Norris goes #2...



It's funny how badass everyone brags about Chuck but I think he got his neck snapped by Bruce Lee in Return the Dragon.

Taylor Cole in Finish Line

Finish Line (2008). I watched this movie last night. It has Scott Baio and the father from The Wonder Years and the older guy that used to bang Amanda Woodward in the Melrose Place. It has a few other people but no none else well or fairly known.

Anyway, it wasn't that too bad of a movie. I've seen way better. It was basically a knock off of The Fast and the Furious but with a lot less driving/racing/speeding action.

There is this one part though, which includes an actress not mentioned above, Taylor Cole. What's wild is her IMDB bio says she is from Arlington, Texas. That's just about 30 minutes from Dallas so she's a local. Cool. She's smokin' hot!

The uncool part is that she has this sex scene--it's not making love when you basically just met. It's just sex!--with the main character guy and she gets naked. Well, basically naked. She's definitely topless but they seemed to have dry humped with her black lacy thong and his boxers still on. It could have been the sex scene from the cheesy B-movies from back in the day.

Anyway, she takes off her top and we (well,me) gets high hopes that we are about to experience her naked breasts. And we do...sort of...as she turns out to be wearing pasties! What the hell is that!? Pasties in a movie!?!? She's basically showing all her stuff and she really thinks that pasties are going to "cover" her naked boobs. I mean I'm already seeing her boobs just not her nipples. Being the perverted man I am, I can fill in the nipples to make my fantasy complete. DUH!

So, just to show my point, see a screen capture of the said pasties below. You can make out the beige part of the pasty near the front of her breast. A disappointment, truly!

Pasties are a travesty. I thought they did away with those back in the prudish times like 20-30 years ago.

Trinkets

I've had these for a while and I even took the picture some time ago but never got around to posting it.

Most of my coworkers are good people and they bring back trinkets from their worldly travels since I haven't traveled outside of the the United States. Here are a few of the trinkets I've gotten. Some are from China, some from Mexico and some from India. Can you guess which?

Star Wars Dancing with the Stars

Just found this over at YouTube. This, for me, would be alone worth the trip to Disney. Well, not now since I've seen it but it would have been cool!

Why was Uriel Perez Palacios not behind bars?

From DallasNews.com:

Driver in fatal Dallas crash shouldn't have been on road
Court records show that Uriel Perez Palacios should not have been driving the Chevrolet Tahoe that authorities say he used on Labor Day to speed away from them before crashing and killing a young Irving couple.
Click here to view article as long as it lasts.

So, just a quick glimpse of something from the article. His drunk driving arrest record:

Again, why wasn't he detained (and killed) after his driving while drunk turned into a felony. What happened to "three strikes" rule, for any "crime"? This goes to show you that we are way too lenient on criminals these days.

If I got my time line right, he was 18 yrs old when he plead guilty to two counts of driving while intoxicated. Please refresh my memory but isn't 18 below the legal drinking age of 21? Oh but he plead guilty which lessened his sentence, right? STRIKE ONE - jail time!

Then, roughly a year and a half later, he violates probation and is arrested. STRIKE TWO - jail time!

Again, roughly a year and a half later, he is arrested on drug possession and a third DWI. This made the DWI arrest a felony. STRIKE THREE - no jail time!

In 2008, it gets even worse. It seems the police/justice system was content on collecting money from him and then letting him go...repeatedly.

Longer story short...the needless death of the newly married couple and the injuries to the college students could have and should have been avoided if Palacios was properly executed, er, prosecuted. Why the judicial system couldn't see that he was a habitual criminal is beyond me.

If it were me, I would be suing the city(ies) along with whoever else the family is looking to make pay for the loss of their child.

I'm in favor of public flogging or stoning to death.

The Snowman dieth

Before there was The Fast and the Furious, there was Smokey and the Bandit.

I was a young-un when I saw the first Bandit movie. I took every opportunity I could when we went to the grocery store (Safeway, back then), KMart or some other store that carried toys.

I always looked for the black Firebird Pontiac Trans Am with T-tops.

A couple of more pics here and here.

I don't know how many times I pretended that I was the Bandit and making jumps, spin arounds, and burn outs. I would play in the build my own "towns" out of cardboard, playing cards or in the dirt.

I had the diesel that the Snowman drove as well. I think the die cast vehicles came as a set because I remember having Buford T Justices patrol car, as well.

It was such a great time that I remember playing with ALL my Hot Wheels vehicles. Sometimes I wonder what ever happens to that vivid imagination I (we all) once had. I know it's there somewhere but just hidden under all that adult responsibility stuff. Ha!

Anyway before I get too off track. I'm sure all know already from your own little local news feed but Jerry Reed, aka Snowman, has died. I only saw him in one or two other movies, although I cannot recall their names, and a few times I saw Jerry sing on some television shows, again the names of which escape me.

So, in honor of the Snowman, please see the quick video of some random video clips from Smokey and the Bandit.

Severine Bremond

Severine Bremond is a French player on the WTA. Unfortunately for her, she met up with Serena Williams in the 4th round of the US Open and got her colon stomped on like a little bug!

What she lacks in tennis prowess, she makes up with a good bit of hotness. Too bad hotness doesn't when you tennis tournaments...unless she plays men and then they probably couldn't concentrate and she'd win. I'd let her win if she showed some thigh, cleavage...oh what the hell, I'd cave if she just winked at me!

Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of her from her tennis action the other day against Serena.




More photos here.