Email humor 05/31/2008

DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:




It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and f ood didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!'

Reese's peanut butter cups

I was eating a Reese's peanut butter cup at work today and a memory hit me.

Hey, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate.

No, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter.

Ah, the simplicity of the past.

In the news 05/28/2008

How stupid is this?

From the Dallas News: Grapevine student with top grades won't be valedictorian

Grapevine High School senior Anjali Datta holds the highest grade point average of the 471 students graduating from Grapevine High School this year. In fact, Grapevine-Colleyville ISD officials believe her GPA of 5.898 may be the highest in the high school’s history [done over 3 years]... But a school district policy states: “the valedictorian shall be the eligible student with the highest weighted grade point average for four years of high school.”

Click here for the article as long as it lasts.

I don't care what the "policy" says. In fact, according to the article, the policy isn't clear on what the policy is. If it were me, I'd give it to the girl. She deserves it. Anyone that is willing to and actually does complete four years of high school in three years with THAT grade point average deserves the recognition and the scholarship. I think the "policy" could be open to interpretation in the sense that "four years of high school" is typically what it takes for a student to complete high school credits but she did it in three so she should get the accolades.

If you ask me, the district is displaying racial favoritism. This girl is obviously of Middle Eastern descent (India probably with a name like 'Datta.' The boy that will actually get the valedictorian title with a lesser GPA achieved in a longer amount of time must be Caucasian (last name is Franklin, first name Tyler). So, why would the district let this "darky" show up this "whitey?"

This is an obvious overlooking of what is the right thing to do. Stupid bastards!

Yawn!

Class starts tomorrow

My summer school class starts tomorrow. I know everyone gives a shit but hey, that's my life these days: family, work and school. I can't wait to be done with the last one. If all works well, I will be the 40-yr-old undergraduate. I guess that's better than the 40-yr-old virgin.

Anyway, my class is Financial Management and it turns out there isn't a book in the bookstore for this class. Now, I don't know if that means there is no book at all or if the professor is providing his own book of sorts.

It doesn't matter. I just want to get it done with and out of the way. It's 1 hour and 40 minutes, every day, for roughly 28 days. I like that schedule. It keeps me focused, on track and I tend to do better under these circumstances...so far.

Luckily, what I hear is that the prof that's teaching the class makes the class extremely likable and somewhat easy. Good for me! We'll see.

I guess that's it for now.

I'm in love with a stripper

Not really. I just thought that would be a catchy title.

She's our office receptionist and I'm not in love with her. Maybe she is a stripper on the side. I really don't know. She's like 50, married with two adult children but I'd let her pop my MILF cherry. Hey, the wife said she thought she was an attractive woman too!

I don't pine for her. She pines for me...not really...but she could.

Anyway, today I had to touch her "middle body" as it was described to me. We were at our company picnic and she and two other women decided that the four of us needed to join the Mummy Wrap competition. If you don't know what that is, it's just four people; 1 "mummy" and 3 wrappers that take a roll of toilet paper each and wrap the mummy. The recept (this is how I'll refer to her) was the mummy. One woman was shorter than I and she claimed the legs. The other claimed the head even though we are about the same height - I think she didn't want to bend at all. That left me to the middle body. I told the two other women that were with us that I didn't feel totally comfortable as the middle body included what I commonly refer to as boobs! And as I am a "wrapper," my hands, arms, whatever will be coming across these boobs and I'm not sure that is an appropriate thing to occur. The recept said that she thought I would handle it just fine.

DAMN! I think she wanted me to accidentally touch her boobs! We'll never know for sure.

So, the whistle blows to start the wrapping. I think I actually did a pretty good job and the recept complemented me on it as well even though we lost. I did way better than she who was wrapping the head and a little better than the leg wrapper. I also did well to minimize the boob grazing which wasn't too difficult since she's probably only a B-cup or big A-cup. I don't know how those things are measured...palm-sized, handful, gazongas? Although, if it was my wife or in a different environment, my wandering hands could have gone out of control.

That was about all the excitement for the day I can handle. Now that I am back in the office, I feel like I could take a nap until Saturday morning tennis.

Email Humor 05/22/2008

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

The Dollar Tree is politcally correct

I stopped by the Dollar Tree today off Mockingbird Lane and Abrams to get some cheap candles, mousse, bath soap and some other junk. Hey, it's "everything's a dollar," you can't beat that!

Anyway, as I entered the store I saw the items in the picture below. Luckily, I had my digicam with me at the time. Otherwise, it probably would have been a camera phone picture and those never turn out well.

There is a blond-haired Caucasian bride, a brown-haired Caucasian bride, and a Black bride. I guess even cheap stores need to have products that appeal to every race, creed, and color.

Monday morning blues

A few days late but I've been busy (sort of).

I don't have the Monday morning blues but I do occasionally...well, all the time...hate coming to work on a Monday...Tuesday...hell, every weekday!

Anyway, a coworker of mine seems to either be absent from work or does a half day basically every Monday for the past few months. Not that I care, but if someone in the office would pay the hell attention, they'd see it's a little suspicious. Duh! Anyway, this is how the conversation (I'm assuming/making up) must have gone when she called in to her boss.

MONDAY
I cannot make it into work today because I have a cold sore.

What? Why are you not coming to work today?

Because I have a cold sore.

WTF? You are not coming in because you have a cold sore?

Yes. It's huge and very unattractive, not to mention embarrassing.

Well, okay then. [Said with a little bewilderment and sarcasm]

Tuesday she was a no-show as well and she just got into the office today (Wed) at around 10:40 a.m.

Again, I don't care why you don't come in or why you don't do your work. It's not my place to give a shit. I'm not your boss and I'm not your boss's lacky to tell them when you are failing at your job. BUT, I do feel it may be a little bit of my responsibility to tell you when your excuses for missing work are LAME-O!

Hell, tell them you shit your lower intestine out or you puked up your gall bladder. SOMETHING that is better than, "I have a cold sore!"

Oh well, that's just me I guess. To each his/her own.

Daily Dilbert 05/20/2008

I think I fell into this trap, except I was stupid enough to get married and we didn't work together but I still am just the live-in techie guy. ;-P

Provided by the awesome add-on DAILY DILBERT for Firefox 2.2.

Shania Twain is still hot!

Man, I had a crush on her from the day I first saw her. She has that natural beauty and those boobs! Man, those boobs! Unh, unh, uhn!!! Even now at her age she is smokin'!

Anyway, enjoy a couple of pics of my future harem girl, er, woman.


I didn't want to ruin the picture here but c'mon...legs spread, eyes closed, breasts heaving...you know what's on that stool! Not me, unfortunately!

Stupid Craigslist listing

I'm not sure I understand why this person didn't list the movies he is giving away. Could it be porn and he didn't want his listing to be flagged? Who knows but it seems like a good way for someone to capture emails for spamming later.

C'mon dude, don't be afraid to let the world know that you are finally parting with your Debbie Does Dallas 1 & 2 DVD collection!!

Random observations of entertainment park guests

Okay, so this is the "meaner" version of my comments about Six Flags Over Texas. It's not really mean. It's just...honest. So without further adieu.

Here are some randomly generated stats by yours truly based on my observations of the day. Out of all the people carrying around prizes such as over-sized stuff animals, basketballs, and any other stupid products that you could have purchased cheaper some where else:

• 80% are BLACK (how many of these people still have African genes, so why call them African-American?).
• 12% are MEXICAN (we're in Texas people, they are Mexicans unless they can prove they are Latino or Hispanic.)
• 8% are believed to have departed a double-wide (ya'll know, white trash? Anyone that is medically considered obese and comes to 6-Flags without a bra but wearing a tank top that doesn't cover what it should and needs to or tries to cover that love seat of an ass in shorts/pants that are tighter than Joan Rivers' face.)

Most of these people are so stupid to "win" prizes such as these from the game booths because in the end, if they think about it, they probably spent double, triple or even more for a product that they probably could have found elsewhere for a lot less. Now, I'm not saying all of them are dumb asses. I'm sure there are a few people who got lucky and paid to play once or twice and won. They are truly the smarter ones of the bunch.

Let's take for example one fellow from the 5% area. He was about 5-8, 210-225lbs, buzzed or bald head, pretty flabby, wearing an oh-so-attractive black sleeveless shirt. Anyhoo, I forget the name but there was this game which involved a basketball goal on a half court set up. There were three racks of four basketballs placed in specific sports around the arc of the half court. Picture something like a three-point arc from side to side but the top of the arc touches the top of the free throw circle. I'm not a basketball fanatic, anymore, so I'm not sure what the exact terminology is. Anyhow, the point is you pay $10 to (hopefully) shoot and make the basketballs in an allotted time...

Oh wait, it's like the three-point shooting before the NBA All-Star games but...not! Damn, lost train of thought. Okay, back on track.

...I think they gave like thirty seconds on the clock. So, this big, burly but not athletic man, after paying his $10, starting shooting the first four balls worth two points each from behind the arc at what would be the baseline(?). Two rim shots and two air balls. He trots to the top of the arc which are worth one point each. He misses the first, hits the second and backboard to rims the last two. Running to the third spot which is directly across from where the first spot is, he seems a little winded. He launches three air balls, the last hits the ground as the buzzer sounds.

A few people rotate through. All doing basically just as poorly as this man did. In fact, a female that was easily a quarter of his size made only one shot but air balled none! Two black guys followed her. One sadly didn't sink one ball. The other got four points which won him a medium prize. The medium prize was a Dallas Cowboy flag/banner time thing. It looked to be about the size of a regular size bath towel.

I asked the kids if they were ready to stop watching the sadness but they wanted to watch a little more. I turn my attention back to the court and who did I see but the burly man about to start another attempt at "stardom" after paying another $10. That's $20 that's he's spent now. He starts at the buzzer and crashes and burns. He didn't even make a basket this time. Bummer for him.

After him, I see a younger boy make his attempt and he fails as well. Not as miserably as the burly man but he still failed. He was one point/shot away from getting his own banner. Funny thing is that he was the son of the burly man which, since he just kicked his father's ass, gave him big bragging rights! Not to be outdone by his son, burly man takes a third attempt with the same results (losing) although he came within two points from getting his most awesome banner.

So, this man spent $40 ($30 for himself, $10 for his son) to come away with nothing! I mean he had a great time and his son obviously enjoyed taking it to his father but c'mon, that's $40 blown in two minutes!! Two minutes! If I spent $40 in two minutes, I'd better have gotten blown!

The dad voice in me sort of says, "I guess it's all about having fun and enjoyment with my kids and it is only $40 and you can't take the money with you when you die," but the cost-conscious dad in me says, "WTF? I can take them somewhere really cool and inexpensive where $40 would last an hour or two or more. I also won't feel so stupid for blowing that much cash on something so materialistic as trying to win a basketball (real or big bouncy one which was the "large" prize)." What's even worse is that you could buy a regulation basketball (which the ones at Six Flags are not) for less than $40 and take your kid to the courts at the park or local school and have him stomp your ass.

I must admit that I did, years and years ago when I was a young adult, play a basketball shooting game that was somewhat addicting. It's more of a "I'm gonna win" more than "This is way fun. Let's play some more." It was only $1 a shot and it was more difficult than this new game. For one, it was on a slanted part of the walkway by the Texas Tower and it was much farther a shot than the typical three-point shot. They already make the rims just barely bigger than the balls you are shooting so the shots have to be damn-near perfect. 5 shots and $5 later, I owned a basketball of the college my wife was going to school at the time and the one I attend now. Which is a feat in itself since they don't license their brand to just anyone. Truth be told, I was shocked to see it at Six Flags.

Anyway, that's my random observation and story.

Good Bye and Good Riddance!

Six Flags Over Texas

I took the kids to Six Flags Over Texas yesterday. It was beautiful day to go and the crowds weren't too bad...in Looney Toons Land, anyway. That's where we spent most of our time. We did venture into the far off depths of the park to ride the Carousel, Mine Train, Mini-mine Train, Antique Cars and El Sombrero but that was about it. I tried to talk them into riding the Judge Roy Scream, Texas Chute Out or even the Texas Tower but they were not going for any of them. Sometimes they are a waste of my hard-earned money. Ha! Just kidding. I guess there is enough for them to do in the "kiddie land" of Six Flags. It's just not where I'd care to spend all of my time every time I go there with them. But as a good, no grrreeeeaaaat, parent that is what I will do if that is what gives my kids the most enjoyment.

Anyway, I purchased season tickets for the family (four of us) so we could go anytime we wanted and not have to pay each time. This summer there will be a lot of visits to Six Flags. I also purchased, when I got to the park and the season pass office, season parking. It's a better deal, trust me. I paid $15 to park. I went to pay for season parking and I paid an extra $30 (that's $45 total for those of you NOT paying attention). So, if I visit the park more than 3 times, which I surely will, then I've made my money's worth and more. The only problem with this is that the season parking is tied to my season pass and only my season pass. So, if the wife and kids want to go without me or I'm not available, they'll have to pay. Or I'll have to find some sly way to ride with them, have the parking attendant slide my card for the "free" parking and then hitch a ride with a buddy or someone that was nice enough to come along in their own vehicle to whisk me away.

The odds are that my wife will not be going without me. I surely wasted money on her as she cannot do the roller coaster rides and such because she gets motion sickness or some shit like that. Basically, her season pass is payment for her being a "babysitter" for the kiddos if and when there is EVER a time I do not go along with the kids or as a family. 99% of the time I'm sure I'll be taking the kids and the wife will come along as she cares to. Like I said, she was basically a waste of my money (certainly not the first time for this) but there isn't anyone else I could call upon or depend on if I'm not available.

I've got some more thoughts about Six Flags but I thought I'd keep this post more on the "positive" thoughts than create a mixture of feelings all at one time. Highs and lows then highs and lows again is not a good thing for some people.

Email humor 05/19/2008

If this doesn't touch you there is something wrong...

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me. I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope. We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy. An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all. All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker

You too can have your nuts cracked by Hillary Clinton.

This is an actual product that is available on Amazon here.

BloodRayne II: Deliverance

I just finished watching this movie BloodRayne II or as IMDB has it, BloodRayne II: Deliverance. It sucks! Don't rent it. Don't borrow it. Don't even think about it after reading this. It downright, totally, completely, utterly sucks big, huge donkey dicks!!! I can't say enough about how much it sucks.

I guess I should have expected as much. I mean BloodRayne sucked. The only thing that made it worthwhile was the gratuitous nudity of almost every woman in the movie, including the "star" Kristanna Loken as the main character, Rayne.

I only rented this one because it was basically free AND it's a sequel. I'm a sucker for having to see sequels except for those movies that really, really sucked. I guess BloodRayne just sucked so I had to see the really, really sucky sequel!

In BloodRayne II, there is absolutely NO nudity even though there are few attractive chicks that should have most certainly opted for baring something to make this a movie that you can at least remember the people who showed some boobage. But alas, there was nothing!

The acting was extremely lame and poor. The only "decent" acting was from the only "known" actor in the movie Michael Pare as Pat Garret...but even he was sparsely shown on screen except for near the end and usually wasn't involved in the really lame scenes. The villain aka Billy the Kid was played by Zack Ward whom I've ALWAYS seen portraying some smart-ass comedic value in movies or television shows. Needless to say, he didn't make a very good transition from comedic sidekick to villainous head honcho.

Unfortunately, I watched this movie from point A to Z but over a few days as I had better television to watch. The pervert in me continued to watch hoping for a nipple slip or a boob shot but NOTHING!

Again, pass this movie while in the store or looking online and never, ever look back!

Oh wait! There was one very funny part. It's at the very end and Pat Garret (Pare) is walking with the new sheriff of Deliverance and he says,

"Life is like a penis. When it's hard, you get screwed. When it's soft, you can't beat it."

9-minute snooze button

I have this alarm clock in my bedroom that has a 9-minute snooze button. Who the hell comes up with a 9-minute snooze button? I mean 5-minute or 10-minute but 9-minute? Why not 4-minute, 6-minute, 7-minute or 8-minute? Hell, what about an 11-minute snooze button?

Of course, I've known this for a while as I've had the clock for at least 9 years. Hey, hey. Maybe that's why. It's the length of time I've owned it. Nah, it's been 9-minutes since the time it came out of the box. Now, if it increased for every year of ownership that would be something.

Anyway, it just bothered me today on my way to driving out to my tennis match. I kept hearing this little voice, "Why 9-minutes? Why 9-minutes? Why....?"

It's like when you hit the snooze button and you know that you have a set amount of time before the alarm goes off again. So, you sit and try to fall asleep but you don't want to fall into a deep sleep because you know the alarm is going to go off any minute now. Then, when you finally just fall asleep, the alarm goes off and it seems like you just fell asleep. It's a nasty cycle.

Oh well!

Megan Fox is pretty hot

I don't understand what people think nipple tape hides but if it makes them feel like running around and showing their bare breasts without baring the nipples then more freaking power to them!

I mean c'mon. Do you really think that every red-blooded male can't fill in the blanks!? I did and it is now permanently ingrained in the back of my mind.

Good times!

Business Law and Basics of Photography

It's been a week but I finally got both my grades posted.

Basics of Photography was a pretty easy grade to guess/expect. I got an A-. Hell yeah! I pulled an A- even though I did the assignments at the last minute. I didn't do them last minute completely on purpose but it's difficult to find shit to shoot for the assignments when I'm at work until 5 p.m. and then the daylight wasn't available for long after I got home. Anyway, an A- is what I got.

Business Law. That one was a little more difficult. I figured I'd get a B or B- and what did I get...B-, bizzitches!

Two more classes/six hours down...another 50 hours to go. BOING!

Impulse (2008)

So, I rented this movie from Blockbuster online. It stars Willa Ford. You know, Mike Modano's wife. I think "stars" gives too much credit to her performance although she was the main character.

If you want to see Willa Ford naked quite a few times, then rent it. Or borrow it from someone else who has rented it or was stupid enough to buy it. God help whoever did something THAT stupid like buying this movie!!

Willa only shows her fake breasts and a great ass in some short, tight lingerie. Her acting is sub-par. I wasn't impressed. I don't even think the part where she acted like she was fantasizing about some guy and pseudo-masterbating was very convincing.

Anyway, rent if you are desperate to see her. Otherwise, you can probably Google her and see her more naked for free.

Or rent one of those good B movies from old starring Shannon Tweed. She was actually a better "actress" and has nicer REAL breastages.

Email humor 05/15/2008

Damn those Dallas Stars

So, the Stars won game 4. Bastards! They just want to prolong my suffering!

Now if they could just prolong it to the Stanley Cup Finals that would be an awesome thing.

I'm still doubtful and disgruntled.

The commentator said it best

I am watching Game 4 of the Stars vs Red Wings playoff series — yes, I am disgruntled but that doesn't mean I won't watch the game, although I almost didn't — and it's about a quarter to halfway into the 2^nd period.

Miettinen was coming to the Red Wings blue line and he turns around to try a spin around backhand pass to no one and the puck doesn't get into the offensive zone. The commentator says, "Miettinen needs to get that puck in the zone...There's just too many stick handlers on the ice [for Dallas]." AMEN! Most goals are either very, very pretty or downright ugly.

Oh yeah, another reason the Stars are going to lose. Three power plays and no goals. Now the Red Wings are on the power play and almost scored ten seconds into it. We'll see if they score...yep, they did...oh shit, they waived it off because they said Holstrom was in the crease. He wasn't. Stars got lucky for a second. We'll see if their luck lasts.

Hey, hey, hey...goodbye

to the Dallas Stars that is.

Yes, hello there. It's me. Disgruntled, pissed off Fan.

No, I do not jump on and off the bandwagon when they are winning or losing. I watch them 100%...until I know they've lost for sure. That's why I'm sending them off before Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals begins.

The Stars did well...to an extent. They made it through the regular season although near the end their win/loss percentage was not positive. They were a team that was a shoo in for the playoffs a month before they started but then when it came to the last few games they were a maybe, maybe not. It could have gone either way and luckily for them the other teams vying for the 7^th or ^8th spots screwed up worse than the Stars.

They took it to the Ducks and then the Sharks. Or did the Ducks and then the Sharks just falter sooner or worse than the Stars?

The problem is that the Red Wings aren't (and probably won't) faltering. They are taking it to the Stars and the Stars are not responding or simply they cannot respond. They are outhitting the Stars. They are outplaying the Stars. They are out-finessing the Stars. They are kicking the Stars' asses!

It's sad really. The Stars haven't adjusted to the quality of skill and determination with which the Red Wings are playing.

The Red Wings are a team of mostly old guys. I mean, shit, Chelios is 46 years old and he plays harder and longer than Modano or any of the younger guys on the Stars' lines but maybe Morrow, Lehtinen, Ott, Barnes and Robidas. I could have put Hagman in there but he has since faded into "who is that guy again?" along with Ribeiro. No matter what numbers Ribs may have put up during the start of the regular season, he faded. He's been iffy, if not very lucky, during the playoffs to get any points because this is the fucking playoffs and no one sits around to let him try and make his perfect pass or his whoop-dee-doo moves and shots. He hangs onto that puck way too damn long and he's not as skilled with the puck maneuvers when a playoff defenseman is spanking his ass.

The Stars need to make a change albeit maybe too late. I'm not sure what the hell Tippett was thinking putting Richards on the point during the power play but he did. And what happened? Zhetterberg takes the puck from end to end and puts one past Turco. How fitting? Not only did Richards suck as a defensive offense but Turco let another very stoppable shot go in. Granted, he probably thought Richards was going to make a better defensive play or Richards could have actually hindered Turco's vision or anticipation of the shot but this is the playoffs, BITCH! STEP UP! DAMN!

So, what do I see later on but Richards working point again during the power play. Um, hello...Tippett, did you not see how poor Richards was on every power play before this one AND ESPECIALLY the one where he got raped and beaten for a short-handed goal??? C'mon, man, wake up and get your head out of your ass!!!

It's a different time folks. It's the playoffs. Not just the playoffs, it's the freaking Western Conference Finals!!

The way I see it is if Ron Wilson got fired from the San Jose Sharks coaching job for losing the past three years in the second round, then Dave Tippett should be fired as the Stars coach. I'm not saying it's totally the coaches fault because I watched three games of some piss-poor playing and lackadaisical effort from many of the players. But something has got to change and someone has got to go and it's usually the coach. Why they can't fire a player for lack of effort or whatever is beyond me (okay, because some other team will pick them up and that player will come back and wreak havoc on our team and someone will question WHY we ever got rid of him without looking back and remembering how shitty he played for us but anyway...).

Okay, so I think I'm done ranting. Let's hit the links as we'll see a lot of local sports professionals there since the Mavs are out, the Stars are about to be out, and the Rangers haven't really been in.

I'm done!

Singlesnet-dot-com

I'm not promoting this website/advertisement but as mentioned in previous posts about these dating ads in Yahoo mail, if all the girls looked like this, I'd be single forever and just keep dating the hot chicks at these dating sites.

We all know that these are like the picture ads for 1-900 or 976 numbers...the pictures are of hot-as-shit (yes, I used that term. Sue me again!) girls but on the other end is some morbidly ugly woman (or man with a feminine voice) talking dirty for 97¢ a minute.

She attractive but he camera angle kind of makes her body look weird.

Man eater

The music I am hearing right now.

----------------
Now playing: Hall & Oates - Man Eater
via FoxyTunes

I remember taping this song off the radio on my boom box back in like junior high, I think. My boombox had the auto-dub button to apply silence in between songs. It was rockin'...at the time anyway. After recording this song, I remember hitting the play, pause, rewind and forward buttons to try to figure out the lyrics so I could write them down on a piece of paper. Back and forth, over and over, trying to get the correct lyrics.

If I remember correctly, I did a pretty good job. I could sing this song from memory and I was cool. For no other reason did I need the lyrics than for my own self to be able to sing along.

Yes, I was (am) a dork!

Happy Mother's Day!

This is a few days late. Who cares, sue me!

So, it was Mother's Day Sunday. The wife and kids went to her sisters in Keller. They were going to hang out and play. Their mother was going to stop on her way back from her mother's in Fort Worth. I opted not to go. It's not very fun for me and I saw it as an opportunity to play another few hours of tennis against my loser TCC mates.

I got to the courts a little later than I wanted. I hit around for about an hour and played only two actual "competition" sets. I wanted to get out earlier but I kept contemplating whether or not I really wanted to go. When I finally decided that I should, it was like 10:30am by the time I got there. Part of the reason I finally decided to go was that I started thinking about going to North Main BBQ afterwards. Ummmmm, it's been a while since I'd been and what better time to go than when I am not expected back home by the wife after tennis by a certain time.

Anyway, I was at the courts about on my way to North Main BBQ when I saw Lynn about to start practicing her serve. Sidenote: I don't know Lynn's last name even though I've "known" her for give or take about five years.

I was just shooting the shit with her while she was serving when I asked her, "So, what are you doing for Mother's Day?" She replied, "I'm going to go to my mother's later for a little bit." I said, "Oh, that's cool that your mother's in the area."

She said, "Yeah. So, is your mother in the area?" I said, "Yeah, she's right basically around the corner from here." She said, "Well, that's good that your mother is close too. Are you going to see her?" I said, "Nah, I don't think so. I haven't been there in a few years."

She said, "Why?" I said, "I don't much like cemeteries."

She was like, "Jay! I'm so sorry [laughs with the nervous chuckle of someone who feels embarrassed like they stuck their foot in their mouth]." I said, "Don't worry about it. I've been okay with my mom being gone for some time. It's not a big deal."

She said, "So you don't go to the cemetery to see your mother's grave?" I said, "Nope. I don't feel like I need to. My mom isn't there. She's all around me, in my mind, in my kids, she's everywhere. The grave is just where her body was placed. I don't need to go there to talk to her or visit her."

After this, we started talking about something else...her dating issues, I think.

But anyway, I thought that was a funny trick I played on her. I told her that if she was sly and cunning like me she would have gone about asking about my mother a different way like I did.

See, I asked her, "What are you doing for Mother's Day?" And she replied, "I'm going to go to my mother's..." That right there told me that her mother was still alive. Smart, huh? Besides, I've known Lynn since and before my mom passed away. She should have known or remembered that she passed away. I don't hold it against her though because I forget shit, even important shit, all the time.

I just thought it was fun to mess with her.

Email humor 05/13/2008

A young woman called her mother, "I'm divorcing Sam! All he wants is anal sex!! My butthole is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel!"

Her Mother said, "You're married to a multi-millionaire, you live in an 8-bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $5,000 a week allowance, you take 8 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?!?!"

There are pervs all around us

From the BBC...

A man who allegedly photographed more than 3,000 women's bottoms as they toured Venice has been arrested.

Unfortunately, this guy took my idea before I was able to make it to Venice...because that's where I was really planning to attempt something like this...because there is no way someone could get caught in such a big, busy place...or I originally thought. Now, I must return to the old drawing board to come up with new plans at voyeurism. Dammit!

Here's the link to the story as long as it lasts.

In the news 05/12/2008

Does she really have to wonder WHY this dress isn't acceptable at senior prom?

I think I saw this on Christina Aguilera or something very close to it in some photo shot or album cover.

On one hand, I think the school could reimburse her for the purchase of prom tickets since she didn't actually get to attend but on the other hand, she should have been aware this was unacceptable attire and if she wasn't, she should have asked someone in the school's administration.

Oh well, here is the link to the story (video) as long as it's active.

In the news 05/08/2008

Duncanville Takes Aim At Swingers Club Again
Reporting Jay Gormley
DALLAS (CBS 11 News) ― The City of Duncanville has reworked an ordinance aimed at shutting down a swingers club.

The Cherry Pit has been throwing adult-oriented parties inside a private house. The city maintains that the Cherry Pit is a Sex Club, which violates city law.

But the owner of the Cherry Pit claims it's not a business because the house only accepts voluntary donations.

The new ordinance addresses the issue of donations by stating that if donations are solicited, accepted or paid, even if the donations are voluntary, the Cherry Pit can be considered a sex club and can be shut down.

The new ordinance does provide a victory for the swingers club. It now states that the Cherry Pit is entitled to a hearing if the city inspector attempts to shut down the house.

Click here to see article as long as it lives.

Isn't it against some law for the "government" to change a law to affect one particular business? I mean, I could understand if there were three maybe four or more of these private sex clubs but ONE? C'mon. Damn, straight and narrow Duncanvillites.

I can totally understand the issue with the parking or traffic issues from the parking but that's easily fixed. The Cherry Pit should bus their "guests" to their house from some other parking location. Sure, it's more money out the door and cuts into their overall profit but in hindsight don't they think it would have kept them from being "found out?" Stupid people NEVER think about what's ahead or what could be.

What really is the difference between this "party" and a Tupperware Party, a Mary Kay party, a jewelry party, a sex toy party or a graduation party? Frequency? Content?

I really think that the community would have been better off handling this discreetly by asking the "Pit" people to be courteous and solve the cluster fuck of cars parked in the street. But now, as long as the "Pit" is still operational, the community children walk, drive or ride a bicycle past the house and think, "That's where the sex goes on." I know I did it when I was a kid about certain questionable houses in the neighborhood. Hell, I think I even may have made up some of the rumors. Haha!

The only reason they should shut The Cherry Pit down is if they find out that the runners/owners of the property join in the "fun." I mean really, have you seen that beastly woman and that old guy. Ew!

Oh well, I've lost my super train of retarded thought since I'm typing this at work and getting distracted. All this shit I type sounds so good in my head. I think there is a disconnect between my brain, my hands and my keyboard!

I'm out!

Harrison Ford is a big ass

I'm watching some of my TiVoed shows and just saw a trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie.

It looks EXACTLY like all the other ones!

So, this dumb bastard whose ONLY respectable role was playing Han Solo (Okay, not really and yes, I'm a Force geek!) said he wouldn't consider doing another Star Wars flick when asked back around the making of Episode I.

That's really a stupid statement since Star Wars 4-6 is what put him on the acting map! IMHO, anyway.

So, go ahead Harrison Ford (well you already did) make another Indiana Jones movie that looks just like all the others. Instead of battling the Nazis or the Thuggees, he's now taking on the Russians. Are there no American archaeologists that dare jack with Dr. Jones?

Sheesh!

In the news 05/07/2008

TWIN FALLS, Idaho - A high school student says he may file a lawsuit against a physical education teacher who took a Mexican flag he had brought for Cinco de Mayo and put it in the garbage.

Another Mexican bitching about the way he's treated. I'm no lawyer but I don't think he's got a case. Leave it to the stupid ACLU to fill the minds of the clueless with thinking they can sue for someone allegedly throwing a flag in the garbage.

It's funny too that the story says this kid "and others brought Mexican flags to the south-central Idaho school to celebrate Cinco de Mayo," but I don't see that any of the other kids had any problems. What's up with that? It's another case of 'He said, Ese said."

Link to story here as long as it's active.

What music am I listening to?

My theme song (at least the one I tell my wife is mine) was playing on my computer (I mainly use Media Monkey) and I had to use the FoxyTunes signature thingy to show what it was in this post. I've never used it before and probably will never use it again but it was imperative at this time to share the current song of the day...for me anyways. Especially since I'm listening to it at work. Anyone offended in the office? Who cares because "I'm horny. Horny. Horny. Horny." Not literally, it's the song man, the song!

Now playing: Mousse T Vs Dandy Warhols - Horny As A Dandy
via FoxyTunes

YouTube video here.

Way to go STARS!

After 3 1/2 overtimes, someone finally puts me out of my misery. Luckily it was a Star that did it to win the series! There were many "Wohs," "Ohs," and "Almosts" that made it a game not to miss if you were already watching it from the beginning, middle or even near the end of regulation. It truly could have gone either way, especially that one shot from Marleau of the Sharks on a basically open net but somehow Turco got the right leg kicked up to block it.

I believe Brad Richards actually ended it with his shot in OT1. The goal-watchers in Toronto and upstairs in the booth reviewed it and said it was a no-goal but I think it crossed the line completely. They ran the tape of it many times while the review was underway and if you watch it, you'll see that the overhead net camera is not perfectly or directly over the goal line. It in fact is a little behind it because when it looks down upon the crossbar of the net the goal line can be seen. If it was lined up properly, the crossbar and goal line would essentially be the same "line." So, after the constant viewings of the shot from the overhead cam, the puck looks like at least half if not three-quarters of it crosses the goal line...as seen from the incorrect angle. I think if the camera or another camera for that matter had the proper positioning, the puck would have been shown as cross the entire goal line; hence, a goal, an OT goal, a quick win for the Stars instead of having to wait an hour later.

Yes, that's a bit overanalyzing if not a little dorky but did YOU stay up to watch the entire game until about 1:30 a.m. and have to be up at 7 a.m? I think my overanalysis is deserved and should be warranted by the governing body of the NHL. If those morons properly thought out camera placements, Game 6 would have been in the books way earlier.

Anyway, below is a shot of Morrow and Modano celebrating Morrow's game-winning goal. I thought it was a good shot and you can see more photos in a slide show here (as long as the link lasts).


Credit given to DallasNews.com staff photographer.

In the news...sort of

So, I was on the DallasNews.com web site and saw this on the right-hand side of one of the pages I was reading (not the home page).

What bothers me about this is why the fuck the Spanish-translated links are ABOVE the English links?

What web/newspaper editor's bright idea was this?

Morons! Which i believe is spelled the same in English and Spanish. How about asno mudo? It can be translated here.

TAKS test

My oldest, a fifth grader, has the science portion of the TAKS test to take today. It's an all day affair. They have all the time they need to do it. They can't have any electronics devices, i.e. cell phones—yes, around here 5th graders have them...some even have iPhones—and they must bring their lunch. I guess it's to protect the testing environment and make sure everyone (even across the state) has the same "playing field." Anyway, they have already taken the English and math sections of the TAKS so this is the final testing.

What makes me think about this is that I recall when I was taking the "TAKS" (it may have been called something different back then) we took it over like three consecutive days. Three days of lock down hell but then you were done. You didn't have to worry about it later. Nowadays, the worries anyone might have are brought to fruition once every month or so...I think they've had a month between each section.

Way to make students (especially littler children like mine) have testing stress three times a year instead of once!

Oh well!

Sympathy cards writings for a death in the family

My boss boss's father-in-law passed away. The office got a sympathy card for her and passed it around the office for signing.

I went blank. I don't particularly care much for this woman because of something she said when my father passed away. I didn't want to seem insensitive though as the rest of the office would sign it and see what I signed - yes, that's called peer pressure. Actually, I'm just a nice guy (to an extent) no matter what the bitch said to me.

Anyway, after a quick Google of "what to write on a death sympathy card," the solutions were presented before me.

So, if you ever have this problem, please see this link, as long as it doesn't expire for some "sincere" insight.

It worked for me. I went with "My sympathies for your loss."

SLAM DUNK! (for me anyway)