Email humor 08/30./2008

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'

'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'

'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as go od as Son of a Bitch!'

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary,'Father!'

'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'

'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister ?'

'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'

'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

---

Frog Leap Test

Here is a little 'test' that is (supposedly) part of a second grade Computer class in China. Some figure it out right away. Others report having to work on it for a week (or more) to solve it.

Frog Leap Test

Personally, I think if it takes you more than an hour you should just step in front of a bus because you are a dumb ass!

Otherwise, have fun!

More email humor 08/28/2008

OOPS from the Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

David Duchovny in rehab for sex addiction

What the hell???!!??!?!?!?!

I wonder if he is was into spanking, torture, extramarital, or what.

If it's just needing to have sex with his wife 24/7, what the hell is wrong with that? I mean if he can do it and get it from his wife then go for the gold David!!

Link to story here as long as it lasts.

Code violation

Not in sports but in business.

Yesterday I was helping my immediate supervisor and a couple of coworkers (all female) move some boxes, about 12, from the storage attic in our building to the fourth floor where the semi-industrial shredder is. It's my token man/Mexican duty since I'm the only male (straight) in the office and I look like a Mexican. Get it? Technically, I could tell them to fuck off but I'm a nice person and it's not in my nature to initially respond to requests of manual labor assistance. Helping them appeals to my perception of my manliness. Okay, it really doesn't. I really am just a nice person...most of the time.

Anyway, I was carting the fully loaded dolly down a hallway when my coworker who sits right next to me says, "Jay, you can almost put it in a pony tail."

Quick sidebar: I've sort of started growing my hair our, long, whatever they want to call it. I really don't care about the length in the back. I plan on having a head of hair that is basically the same length all the way around my head. Kind of like an old-school skater/surfer dude but not completely. I planned on doing this while I dropped some weight off of my fat ass but the hair seems to have grown quicker than my body has shrunk. Fucking Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwiches w/o Mayo at Wendy's!

Back from sidebar: My immediate supervisor says, "He's waiting for [the Dean or Boss-boss] to tell him to cut it." I snickered and was like, "Whatever. She knows as well as I know that she can't tell me what to do with my hair. It's like telling me not to be gay if I was gay."

The ignorance of some people. I'm not working in a corporate environment which if I did I know there would be some form of dress code although I don't think long hair could be outright regulated. There is always some way to work around actually trying to control something but still controlling it. I've been in the corporate world and seen it many times.

Anyway, the Boss-boss has actually violated me multiple times by touching my hair, balling it into a pony tail and pretending to cut it with scissor fingers. Now that, pretty much secured my job for some time to come.

I wonder what the statute of limitations on sexual and gender harassment is. I say gender as well because I am the only male in the office that I typically get asked to move/carry stuff for the women in the office and because I'm a nice guy, I say yes even though technically it's not my job to do. I will probably never do anything like press charges but I will mention it to them to keep them off my back about petty things like having to leave work for 30-45 mins to pick my kids up from school once or twice a week. Basically it's all bullshit!

I can't believe I have like thirty more years to put up with bullshit before I retire. Dammit!

Email humor 08/28/2008

THREE SURVIVORS

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

---

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'

Something different or unusual about yourself

Today, in my ITOM class after a little bit of chapter one lecture, the prof asks us to do an exercise of introducing ourselves to her while she video tapes us (with a Hi-8 camera) so she can watch and help learn our names with faces. That's her excuse but I think she really wanted to watch ME over and over on video but there was no really easy way to do that without raising suspicions. So, she had to video tape the entire class. I'm sure she'll just clip my portion and put it on an infinite loop once she imports it to a computer, edits it, and then burns it to DVD because that dinosaur Hi-8 isn't going to handle it all its own.

Now that the delusions have dissipated, the questions about ourself were as follows:

• Name:
• Hometown:
• Major(s):
• Something different or unusual about yourself:

I thought about mentioning my "John Holmes" package but I decided that the second day of class was too soon to spring that onto everyone. I'll take appointments later from the ladies for show and tell time but not on the second day.

Yes, more delusions...sort of.

Anyway, I was first to speak since I was on the first seat of back row which I thought would make me inconspicuous and less likely to be called upon. That theory was shot to hell! So, here is the all interesting "me" that I gave up.

Name:

Jay.

Hometown:

Euless, about 30 minutes west of Dallas.

Major(s):

Has varied over my many years of college but am currently set at General Business.

Something different or unusual about yourself:

I'm probably double the age of at least half of the students in the class.

Taaaaadaaaaa! The bitches and hos came a running!

End of delusionary blog entry!

Another semester of college started

Two days ago I had my first class of the fall 2008 semester. It's another information technology and operations management (ITOM) class. This one is about problem solving, quantitative analysis and shit like that. The prof gives pop quizzes and three tests, no comprehensive final. I love no comprehensive finals because I usually only comprehend long enough to pass the during-semester tests. Once those are taken, I wipe my memory and fill it with the next test's information. It's an uncanny ability but I like it except when I forget things on the comprehensive final. LOL!

My second class was yesterday. It's a management organization (MNO) class. We'll talk and discuss things about how management should handle issues within a business or businesses. This one seems fairly straight forward as well. No comprehensive final but there are three tests and a group assignment. I hate fucking group assignments. I don't have the time to find time to meet with a group so we can discuss the project. I actually could find the time but I don't WANT to find the time. Oh well.

Seems like good times ahead.

Have I ever mentioned on this blog how much I hate school!? Any kind of school, except for maybe bikini contest judging school, rock climbing school, video game playing school...you know, shit that's fun!

What I need is a pontoon like this one or even this one. Just kicking back on the lake or some calm waters off the coast somewhere. Man, that would be the life!

Someday...

Email humor 08/27/2008

This news just in:

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't gonna do it to Alabama.

Prom Night (2008)

Just got done watching Prom Night (2008).

Quick verdict: Pass! It's unbearable at times because you know what to expect or what's coming next. It's not well acted and it's just completely...predictable! There is really no better way to put it.

If you want to see a prom movie, rent the original Prom Night with Jamie Lee Curtis. At least you can say you watched a cheesy 80s movie instead of just a horrible "horror" flick.

Email humor 08/22/2008

At State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy...

Then they turned the page.

On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

---

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Guiness World Record stuff

Found this on MSN, I think. Some of it is kind of gross to be known as a Guiness record holder.

Here is the link as long as it last to the flash slidewhow.

In the news 08/19/2008

From NBCOlympics.com

"I'm proud of my Mexican heritage," Cejudo said. "But I'm an American. It's the best country in the world. They call it the land of opportunity, and it is. Maybe if some other kid watches this, he can do the same." -- Henry Cejudo, US Olympic wrestler
Click here for as long as the article lasts.

Not only is this guy an Olympic gold medal winner he is smart. It's nice to see someone realize that you can be proud of what you were but it's better to praise what you have (can) become, legally, in America.

Unlike those other "Mexicans" a few months ago running around with Mexican flags saying, "Viva la Mexico," when they were trying to show that illegal immigrants were worth keeping in the U.S.A.

This all sounded better in my head when I was thinking and ranting internally!

Oh well.

Rafael Nadal is a gold medal Olympian

Damn, what a season Rafael Nadal is having.

French Open Champion. Wimbledon Champion. Olympic Champion.

That's hard work, people. Really hard work. He's deserving.

But what the hell is up with the biting?

Oh yeah, congrats to Roger Federer in finally getting a gold medal (medal period) at the Olympics albeit in doubles. But hey, a gold medal is a gold medal!

Click here to read Nadal's story at Tennis.com.

My nephew's wedding

We attended one of my nephew's wedding today. It was at The Country Abbey in Justin, Texas. And when they say, 'Country,' it really is countrified out there in Justin. I heard they have one cop and he likes to give tickets. Justin really isn't that far from Dallas. It's about 45 minutes, maybe an hour, at the most and just outside but between Denton and Ft Worth. It's definitely a little bit country. We should have known it was really redneck-y when we had to drive around Texas Motor Speedway to get to this place.

It was an okay wedding. They should have hired me to DJ their reception but their loss. Instead they used the brides iPod. Not much dancing went on but I guess that's what you'd expect at a reception inside/next to a used-to-be chapel/church. They could have planned a little better and rented out some other place or something and got their 'real' party on. I did get a call a few hours later that they were going to Pockets in Euless.

It was nice of them to offer but I won't be making it. First, I was already home in Dallas. Second, I have young children that I can't just leave or pawn off on someone at a moment's notice. Third, I'm sure there were going to be the scum-sucking family members that I have disowned and avoided for almost three years now and I don't feel like "hanging" out with THEM.

That's one of the reasons we were contemplating whether or not to attend Robbie's wedding. I've no reason to see these people ever again - yes, these are my brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. I don't dislike all of my nieces and nephews but most of them and all of my siblings. They are scum and they do not deserve to know me or my family. And as a father, it is my duty to protect my children from as many bad people in the world, especially when I know exactly who they are since they are my family! Longer story shortened, we decided to attend because my children asked if they could go. They understand, to an extent, what has transpired for us to distance ourselves from the 'scums of Euless.'

Well, before I get to ranting too long, the main point of the post is The Country Abbey isn't an abbey at all and it wasn't really ran very well overall. So, if you are thinking about it, I would think twice about it no matter what the testimonials say. You could rent ANY available hotel conference room or something of the like and do just as well.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder and Jolene Blalock

It's late or early depending on how you look at it. I just finished watching Starship Troopers 3: Marauder. It wasn't too bad. There was this actress, a pretty main character, that kept bothering me as someone I have seen in another movie or show before. Her name is Jolene Blalock. Turns out she played the female Vulcan on Star Trek: Enterprise. She was hot in that show although I rarely watched it. It's kind of like the other one...Voyager, I think...that I watched just to see Jeri Ryan's hot body in skin tight uniforms.

Anyway, she also bothered me because in Marauder she seemed to be an Angelina Jolie look-alike. She was kind of too skinny with a fairly large rack and those puffy lips ala Jolie. Big disappointment in her not getting nude or at least half nude but c'est la vie! There were a few other hotties that bared it for the perv in me.

The movie itself was okay although I really think nothing beats the original. Rent it for damn-near free or borrow from a friend.

Here's a teaser pic of Jolene. Click on the picture to follow a link of many others. Some may not be safe for work and those are the kind I like!

Email humor 08/15/2008

In the news 08/14/2008

'40-Year-Old Virgin' actor pleads not guilty'
Click here for as long as the article link lasts. From the AP via MSN home page.

The article headline is catchy, isn't it? It's funny how news agencies write these up to lead people to false pretenses about actors/actresses.

When you first read the headline, you think, "No way, Steve Carell got his ass in trouble!"

That's what they want you to think! You wouldn't click on link or even read the article otherwise.

Turns out, the '40-year-old virgin actor' is basically a nobody. I don't even remember him in the movie, albeit I saw the movie some time ago and many movies have been seen by me since. Anyway...

Tricky, tricky publication people!

Arnel Pindea, new lead singer for Journey

The guy does sound good but he's definitely no Steve. One of the comments I've seen on him says, "He's even better than the original."

I don't know what idiot typed that but there is no one better than Steve Perry for the lead of Journey! It's like Peter Cetera is the face of Chicago and David Lee Roth that of Van Halen. Some guys just can't be replaced. They can be copied, mimicked, and occasionally almost equal but never replaced.

Oh well, done with rant. Enjoy the video.

Email humor 08/12/2008

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'You’re wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

Creed Green Irish Tweed Men's Cologne

It's one of the best colognes I've ever worn...but it's expensive. See a "discounted" price here.

A few years ago, the wife purchased it for me. I loved it...as much as I loved Halston Z-14 or Drakkar Noir in my early 20s. I still like both but Creed is ten times better and four times as costly.

When I wore Creed, I received many compliments on the smell from my coworkers and friends. It's quite exhilarating to have women, some hot, some okay, some eh, come to put there heads and noses to the side of your head, near your neck to get a closer whiff of the scent that they could not resist. Shit, it's almost like a pheromone! Ha!

Anyway, I'm looking to purchase some more as I mentioned it's been a couple of years and I'm a cheap bastard with my purchases. 4.0 ounces for $149 isn't a lot of cologne for the money although you really only need a spritz or two and it lasts almost all day and then sometimes longer...the variation is weird.

I also like Dolce & Gabbana. It's a slightly sweet smell, not overbearing like say Obsession for Men. It didn't bring the women running quite as much as Creed but they still liked it. The nicer thing about it is that it's half the price for the same amount of Creed ($67 for 4.2oz).

Knowing me, I'll get one of each and maybe throw in Halston Z-14 just for the nostalgia factor.

Oh well, enough of exposing my feminine side.

Abbie Cornish in Stop-Loss

I watched the movie Stop-Loss the other day and saw a girl that sort of resembles Drew Barrymore.

As the title post states, her name is Abbie Cornish. I don't think she's been in much but I really haven't Googled her to see. I just screen captured this from the DVD and just got around to posting about it.

Anyway, I thought she looked like Drew. Those in cyberspace may not. My opinion matters, cyberspace's does not!

The Babysitters

One day a while ago I was browsing the movie catalog at Blockbuster online, which I do often. I usually end up putting some crazy-ass, freaky movie on my queue. When it comes in the mail and I start watching it, I almost always say, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

The Babysitters is nearly one of those movies. I don't remember how I came across it, maybe it was from having John Lequizamo or Cynthia Nixon's name in the search parameters. I don't recall for sure.

It had lot of "artsy" previews before the movie so I'm assuming it's from one of those companies that puts out "weird" movies like Focus Features. If you ever get a film from FF, be prepared to watch a strange but sometimes entertaining movie except for ones like Lost in Translation. No matter what anyone says, that movie blew huge donkey dicks. If I recall it (barely), the best part in that movie was when Scarlett Johansson was on the bed in her panties. That could be a different movie because I've seen so many that the ones I dislike I tend to forget or run them together with others I dislike.

Anyway, this was an interesting movie. A bit slow and Risky Business-ish but worth watching if someone you know rented or owns it for some godforsaken reason!

Doomsday

I just finished watching this movie, Doomsday. It wasn't too bad of a movie. It was kind of a cross between Mad Max and 28 Days Later. There were parts that were really good, really cool and then there were parts that were just plain ridiculous. Of course, it is a movie but, once again, it should follow some sense of reality.

There was a part where this armored personnel carrier (APC) that one military guy brags about saying it can take this and that like bombs, rockets, bullets and shit. Then they take it into "battle" and some dude breaks the armor-bullet-proof windows on the APC with an axe. BULLSHIT!

Another part had the main character, played by Rhona Mitra (HOT! check a pic here), finding a Bentley to use as a getaway car. This bastard was basically brand new, it was in a storage container, and it's fast! But for some reason, dirt bikes and old, beat-up vehicles were able to stay up with her. BULLSHIT!

Okay, so maybe I took the movie a little to serious and literal but it's kind of like an arrow piercing a kevlar vest or a Vespa catching up to a Kawasaki Ninja.

So, overall rating...rent it. It's a decent movie and I'm sure you've paid to see worse!

Email humor 08/06/2008

A lady entered the drugstore and asked the pharmacist for some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.'"

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

Photos from our trip to Fort Walton Beach, Florida

Sand sharks


The Gulf of Mexico in Fort Walton Beach, Florida


Pirate fortune teller


Starfish