Email humor 12/31/2008

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers and we will never find out!

Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

If you read the post before this one, it may make a little more sense...or not.

The family visited the Gaylord Texan on December 22nd. We walked around to see all the different Christmas decorations and we came across the trains and miniature town. It reminded me of the neighborhood that the camera would pan over and through during the intro to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

Here are the pics of the town/train. They are quite big and will open in a new browser window.



Check the video here but skip to about 1:20 on the ticker and you'll see what I'm talking about:

ICE sculpture exhibition

Back on December 22nd, the family and I went to see the ICE! at the Gaylord Texan in Grapevine, Texas. I've always wanted to go since it started, a year or two or so ago, but never got around to it. It's not so much that it was said to be fantastically awesome or anything like that. It was more of something that I just wanted to do and say I did it.

And that's what it turned out to be. It wasn't fantastical at all. It was very cold but not miserably so because it wasn't that long of an exhibition. It was neat to see the few but large ice sculptures. The ice slide wasn't that interesting because you really don't slide down it unless you sit and lean back on the parka they gave you at the entrance to keep warm (if you opted for it which I recommend doing so unless you have your own VERY heavy winter coat!). The slide "attendees" didn't bother telling anyone this so a lot of the people who "slid" down arose at the bottom of the slide quite disappointed. I didn't wait in line to go down it but my kiddos did and they said, "It definitely wasn't worth the wait or extra cold temperatures!" The extra cold temperature in the "slide" room was to make sure the slide didn't melt after all the sliding and such. It was so cold in that room that it drained the juice out of my very recently charged camera batteries. After the slide room, there was like two more rooms of huge ice sculptures and the exhibition was over in about 7 1/2 minutes if we exclude the 20 minute wait time in the slide room.

Personally, I think it was very cool but not worth my $60+tax ($20 per adult, $10 per child). Yes, I got gypped but, again, it was something I wanted to do and now I can say, "I came. I saw. I got gypped. I will tell all my family and friends to spend their money on something else." The kids thought it was cool too but it was nothing that I have heard them enthusiastically share with their friends. It's more of an, "Eh, we went to see the ICE sculptures and it was cool but it wasn't that exciting." I can deal with that attitude because I felt the same.

So, it's a been there done that family memory capture with my digital camera. Here's a few pictures to enjoy so you won't have to spend $60. They are quite large and will open in another browser window.

Eddie Murphy

Was Eddie Murphy the first (at least one of the first) black actors to have a "singing career" along with the acting? Did he pave the road for others like Jamie Foxx?

Things that make you go...hm? Are you old enough to remember Eddie singing? Check it out:

Red Bull "Sex" Commercial

My nephew and niece came over the other day and were talking about this Red Bull commercial where one character grabs the boob of another character. I had to watch it a few times because it didn't look like a boob grab at first but then it happens fast and it is definitely a boob grab. Some serious boob-cuppage!

If you want to fast forward to "the grab," it's at about 11 seconds.

Merry Christmas 2008 and Happy New Year 2009!!

Just a quick post to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

That's right "CHRISTMAS" Not Happy Holidays.

For all you other religions or non-religions, take it as a gesture of good will. It's not a malicious statement and it never has been. So, for those that find it offensive...shut the fuck up and worry about the things that ARE ill will.

If you have a problem with Christmas, then I don't think you should get a PAID holiday day off for it. Get your ass back to work! See, Christmas isn't so bad after all, huh? And Merry Christmas never hurt anybody.

Anyway, I'll get off my podium and go back to the Christmas cheer!

May ye all be merry and have a fun, memorable, exciting Christmas and New Year!

Email humor 12/20/2008

Church choir takes on hip hop

This is one of the funniest things I've seen/heard. Worth it to hear the singing and see the faces of the choir members. It also makes me think that the gospel songs are much easier to sing than most people think. Anyway, enjoy...

Email humor 12/18/2008

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Burger King

I love the smell of Burger King. You know that smell. That flame-broiled aroma.

Mmmm.

I was driving down the street during lunch today and passed by a Burger King. Too bad I was already planning on going to Taco Bell. T-Bell doesn't typically smell as good but the food is better.

Thinking about Burger King just reminded me of something...

I passed by one the other day. I didn't pass as closely as I did today so no flamey-broiledness but I did see a change in something they advertise on the big windows around the indoor playground.

It said, "2 Whoppers for $4." Now, that's not a big deal in itself but a few weeks before, I passed this same Burger King and the big banner said, "2 Whoppers for $3."

If that's not showing you where the bad economy really hits, I don't know what will!

Random thought over......

Pulse 2: Afterlife (2008)

Pulse 2: Afterlife (2008). I just finished watching this movie.

I must say that it is quite a disappointment. The best part was when this one...only one...hot chick showed her boobies but then she turned into like a pile of mush and tar-like substance.

I, like one other on IMDB, only got this Pulse 2 because I saw Pulse and thought it was an okay movie. Okay, both fairly sucked but I saw the first so I sort of policy of subjecting myself to the pain and suffering of watching the "sequel."

In my opinion, it is a good one to pass. I think I would have enjoyed bamboo slivers shoved under my fingernails more than I did this movie.

Verdict: Burn the section of the video store that holds this movie. It's not worth the time and effort the mailman expended to deliver it to me!

Email humor 12/12/2008

GOD WAS BUSY

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Toilets

So, as I just got done getting my ass ripped by a massive shit...yes, it's graphic but you didn't see the log!...a thought came to mind during the pain and suffering that I survived.

I think ALL toilets/plumbing should be of industrial strength and build. I mean how often do you hear about businesses having backed up toilets? The toilet I used has a motion/heat sensor and when I leaned a bit to wipe it automatically flushed. Luckily, I was prepared and I had to lean forward and increase the height my ass was above the seat a bit more otherwise, I think I would have had my own "stuff" splashed back up on my ass! Also, I could feel the pull of the suction when the toilet flushed. I was lucky I didn't get sucked into the nasty depths of public facility hell! I mean it sucked that huge log I laid like it was a cotton ball. It was quite amazing!

So, why don't they put in this kind of plumbing in all buildings, houses, etc., etc.? I'm no plumbing expert but is there some special plumbing that is used for the businesses versus the homes? The toilets themselves look like they should be universal between the two but it's the suction-flush versus the bowl-flush that must be the difference. Not to mention the piping must be much bigger since sometimes, often too many times, the home piping gets clogged from one simple but huge pooping!

Ah well! Note to self: if you ever decide to buy another house, build it and put industrial plumbing and toilets!

Commentators say the darndest things...

So, I was watching the Florida versus Alabama game this past weekend and no I am not a football fan, especially college football, but I do watch the occasional game. I watched the FL vs AL game because I know a few people who are rooters for both sides and thought it would be good to watch so they would have someone to discuss it with if they had absolutely no one else to do so. Yes, I would be their last resort and I am okay with that. As said, I am not a huge, obsessive football fan.

Anyway, to find some of my own entertainment value in these I am not completely "in to," I usually find something for shits and giggles in the commentators or freaky fans in the stands.

Two such things occurred for me: First, one of the TV commentators was talking about the Alabama coach and said,

"That coach only likes players that are ball friendly!"

Second, and I believe it was the same game, the TV commentator says,

"That coach only recruits players that have ball skills!"

Yes, slightly immature but funny as shit when I am someone that's not totally in it just for the game play! Although, it was a very good game and a lot of the plays were very impressive.

Craigslist posting

Another funny Craigslist posting. It's already been tagged for removal from the "FREE" listings:

Twilight

Here I sit, at the Angelika Theatre or Film Center about to watch Twilight with my oldest and their friend.

Before coming in but while at the ticket window, I tell the person I need two child and one student ticket. She looks at me and says, "I'm sorry. Did you say 'One student and two child?'" I said, "Yes," and showed her my "student" ID.

I was like, "What the hell, I can't be a 40-yr-old student?!"

Anyway, I will let you know how the movie was since I really have no idea what it is about.



Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Telemarketing call

I received a call today around 6:13 p.m. The caller ID is reflected in the following picture:



I'm not sure if it is a telemarketing call but it's really weird to use this as the caller ID.

It almost sends out fireworks stating: TELEMARKETER!

Again, I don't know for sure and a quick Google of it says it's from some calling service that some physician offices use for appointment reminders.

What the fuck do they pay their front desk people or nurses for?