Email humor 11/29/2008

Pregnant Turkey Story!!!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

D Magazine's blog - Frontburner

I was out running around today as I took a vacation day and just now had a chance to peruse the many sites I like to visit each day, many times a day.

Over at the Frontburner, I saw this posting and thought it was funny. Mainly because while reading the red-highlighted area, I can sing the words to the music from the commercial.


Oh well, it's the simple things that entertain me! Maybe it's not so for others.

Email humor 11/25/2008

I am a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I have been happily dating for over a year - and so we've decided to take the next step and get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It is her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes braless. She regularly bends down when she's near me. The view is always compelling. I'm thinking it has to be deliberate because she never does it when she's near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She's all alone when I arrive and whispers she has feelings and desires for me she can no longer overcome. She tells me she wants me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I'm in total shock and can't say a word. Then she says, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I am, needless to say, stunned and frozen in shock as I watch that wholesome hard body climb the stairs.

I stand there for a moment, then turn and make a beeline straight to the front door. I open the door and head straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family is standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugs me and says, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Free ballsack/teabag

Of course, it's not what you (well, I) thought it would be...

Email humor 11/17/2008

Always check your kid's homework...


Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.

Company presentation

Do you know what sucks? What sucks is when you have practiced and practiced to the point where you can recite your "speech" word for word without a hitch. But then, on "go" day, you flub!

That sucks!

What's worse?

I didn't really suck because I wasn't prepared or because I just plain sucked! I sucked because I got rushed. I shouldn't and don't fully blame my presentation member because I should have just kept my cool and did ma thang!

Without too much explanation, here is the scenario:

I was on a team of five members and we had to do a presentation on a company. We had to present five aspects (since there were five of us) from the coursebook and relate it to the company. The presentation cannot be longer than fifteen minutes long, which roughly translates to three minutes a team member. I was third in line to present.

We had an intro for about 30 seconds. The first person was about two and a half minutes. The second person was about three and a half minutes.

I'm third and when I got up to talk I saw the time card that said nine minutes left. I thought, "Damn that's not a lot of time for me and the two next people so I better get through mine quickly."

MISTAKE!

I bumbled about a quarter way through and didn't get any better. It wasn't totally bad...well, to me it was because I WAS prepared. I did manage to cut my time for the next presenters which allowed us to finish with twenty seconds left.

Again, I should have just eased on with my speaking part instead of freaky-fracking but that's what I did and it's done.

The problem is

1. I have to go watch the video...yes, the prof videotaped us...and give a self critique. The critique part isn't so bad. It's having to watch myself be a fucking retard! And...
2. It's irking the shit out of me like you wouldn't believe. It's one of those things that you know you could have and should have done well but just jacked it up way beyond you ever thought you would.

GOSH, I SUCKED!!!!

I don't think I'm going to be able to get over this for a few days or so. I'm going to replay it over and over inside my head and it's going to eat away at me from the inside out.

Grrrrr!

DAMMIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE I SCREWED UP!!!

See, it's eating at me...slowly but surely.

Samsung A900

My new BlackBerry is pretty cool with all the things it can do that I couldn't do or couldn't do easily with my Samsung A900 but...

What I do miss is something so simple and it really has no practical need.

On my A900, when a call would come in it would show the state from which the call was originating. Now again, this isn't a huge deal but I have relatives in many different states. When a number I'm not familiar with shows I can sometimes guess who it might be (someone I know or some random call) based on if I have a relative or two there.

It was a useful thing to me since so many random calls are made to me from missed keyed dialing, solicitations or valid family/friends calls.

All the BlackBerry does is flash the number...and caller ID, photo and/or ring tone if the number is in my address book. That's a little boring and so yesterday!

;-P


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Google is pretty creative

I'm sure everyone that uses Google knows that they often change their logo on the home page for different holidays/occasions/events.

Today, for election day, Google had the following image. I thought it was pretty nifty.

ANAL+

So, I was watching some tennis the other day...Saturday or Sunday or both, I'm sure. I love the Tennis Channel.

Anyway, the tournament was a men's competition called the BNP Paribas Masters.

I was losing interest because the play wasn't that great. I believe it was Roger Federer playing Juan Del Potro. It was really a one-sided match. I almost completely lost interest when I caught a few funny things that made it temporarily more interesting for about 45 seconds.

Normally, the tournaments have big name company sponsors like AIG (which just bailed on all tennis tournies for obvious reasons), Ricoh, Mercedes-Benz, and BNP.

I don't know who this ANAL+ is though. They did get quite a bit of "air time" with the camera angels during the players' service.



Okay, it's complete name is CANAL+ but it was still funny at the moment I saw it.

MATE dating service

As before, I have written about this service called "MATE."

I don't know the web address as I've never actually gone there. I see tons of advertising photos in my free Yahoo mail account for this and other "dating" services.

Anyway, take a look at this one that I saw in my account today.

 

Two things that caught my eye:

1. First, what would three HOT chicks need with a dating services? I mean look at them. I don't think they'd have any trouble getting any type of man for a date/mate.
2. Secondly, how can these "dating" services, especially dating services, use fake people as clients? Now I don't know about all three of the girls in this photo but the third one from the left is definitely NOT a client. She is a porn star!! That's right folks. Oh wait, maybe MATE dating services is a man's connection to dating (having fun with) a porn star. Awesome! Anyway, take a look here if you doubt my knowledge of this porn star. Her name is Sydney Moon. Don't ask how I know.

Email humor 10/31/2008

COLORED FOLKS

This was written by a black guy in Texas.... so funny..... what a great sense of humor and creativity!!!!!!!!!!

When I born, I black, when I grow up, I black, when I go in the sun, I black, when I cold, I black, when I scared, I black, when I sick, I black, and when I die, I still black.

You white folks.....when you born, you pink, when you grow up, you white, when you go in the sun, you red, when you cold, you blue, when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple, and when you die, you gray.

So who you calling colored folks?

Last day to drop

Well, the day that I take a look at where I stand grade-wise and make a very important decision: go forward and persevere or quit while I'm ahead (more like, not failing yet).

It is called the "Last day to drop with a 'W'". And it is on Wednesday, November 5^th.

I just took two tests for each of the two classes I'm enrolled. One on Tuesday and the other Wednesday.

The Tuesday test was for a class that I believe I am currently passing. I say this for the mere fact that the first exam I think I got in the neighborhood of a 75. I'm not sure because he does a point system. The points for exam one were 136. I think I got 100 which would be about a 74 but I think I got some extra credit added on top of that. I'm not for sure as I haven't been able or keep forgetting to swing by the prof's office and get my test. This second exam I think I got about an 80 but not for sure yet again. I will have to wait until next Tuesday. This class isn't the questionable one because we have two grades only, so far, and a project we are working on then one more exam.

The concern is the Wednesday one. I got a 61 on exam one. I have done well on in-class quizzes and an extra-credit plus attendance and class participation has been good. The prof rates the two highest exams as fifty percent of the overall grade and the lowest as twenty percent with quizzes and such making the extra thirty percent. So, depending on how I did on this exam will decide if I will hit the final day t drop with a 'W' or not.

Before I took the exam, I was way worried. After I took the exam, felt I did well unlike when I took exam one and didn't even answer a 15-pt question which started me out at an 85 right off the bat!

As mentioned, I'll have to see how it goes when I get my grade.

(fingers crossed)


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Email humor 10/30/2008

'Twas the night before elections'

'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

" On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi"
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!