Email humor 05/30/2006

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Here's the best idea yet:

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

Take the dirt from the moat and use it to raise the levees in New Orleans.

Put those man-eating Florida alligators in the moat.

Now, any other problems you want me to solve?

Dallas Mavericks vs Phoenix Suns Game Three

Mavs pull off the win. It was close and they even were down by 15 at one point but they came through.

I was watching the NHL playoffs as well. Of course, I'm not getting to see all of them because there are no local teams but I catch what I can. I was very disappointed that Anaheim Mighty Ducks didn't do better against the Edmonton Oilers. I was really pulling for Teemu Selanne to get a championship ring.

Buffalo Sabres versus the Carolina Hurricanes were tied last I checked so it seems their teams are more easily matched...maybe.

Oh well, that is about it for the sports update. I need to find out when the French Open matches are going to be televised. The French Open started today, I believe.

Later!

I'm a guy so I had to post some MILF boobs

This is what I have to deal with when I leave my house...MILFs.

Mobile entertainment system

My ghetto-fied mobile movie projection-entertainment system...

I had a three-tier rolling cart, two box speakers with 12" woofs, mid-rangers and tweets, an old radio/dual tape deck/6-disc changer stereo system with RCA inputs, an old DVD player and an old LCD projector. A buddy of mine gave me a standing projection screen about twelve feet wide and six feet tall. It worked like a charm.

This thing has seen a lot of action and played a lot of movies inside my house, my garage, my backyard, an open lot as well as moved up or down my street for various party watchings. Watched many movies via DVD and Netflix. Watched many TV shows via coax.

I've been happy to have this at my disposal. It's the wife that called it ghetto-fied!

In the news 05/25/2006

Isn't it strange how a drunk can't function properly but they suddenly become "aware" of what to do when they cause an accident?  (click on quote to link to story)

After the collision, Mr. McDeavitt fled from the scene on foot but was apprehended by police and arrested, according to police reports. He faces two counts of intoxication manslaughter and two counts of intoxication assault, and remained in custody Thursday morning at the Arlington jail.

Pics of the Spurs whiners already

It didn't take long for this did it...

Dallas Mavericks vs Phoenix Suns, Game 1

A new series, a new set of nerves.

I can't believe I actually was getting pissed at the shoddy play of the Mavs in game seven with less than five minutes to play. And the feeling of dejection when they were down by three with like 20 secs left to play. I haven't felt like that since I followed the Bulls through their three-peat.

I guess I really want them to win. Then again, I really want to back a winning team and not get left in the rafters when they f-up and lose!

NBA Semifinals, Game 1 tonight, 7:30 p.m. CST, from American Airlines Center.

Email humor 05/23/2006

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"

---

Bad night at the bar...

Dallas Mavericks win game 7

The Dallas Mavericks barely pulled off the upset.

At one point they were up by 20 but then you got Terry, Stackhouse, Howard and maybe a few others that wanted to be just like Mike and started trying fancy, shmancy shots and missing.

Mavs were down by 3 with like 20 seconds left but got very...very lucky when Dirk made a 2-pt shot, got fouled and sunk the free throw for the tie. Spurs still almost won it with 15 left but as mentioned, the Mavs got very, very, very lucky.

It's all good though. There's no money in a quick series. Too bad the hockey teams haven't learned that yet!

Thanks for all your prayers to your particular god. Now, hopefully, it'll take the Mavs to the championship trophy and we'll once again have a reason to give a parade in downtown Dallas. I really don't care about the parade. I just want to be able to cheer a team that can and will win.

I'm easy...like a Sunday morning! Good night, and good luck!

"In God We Trust"...an apology

In reference to my earlier post here although I'm sure not because of, the Keller District issues apology for school yearbook flap...

Damn straight!

Clarence Gilyard Jr - Top Gun - Walker, Texas Ranger

I was watching Top Gun for the one-millionth time the other night and I realized that Clarence Gilyard Jr, who played Sundown, later became very popular and well-known as Walker, Texas Ranger's sidekick, Trivette. He was so wimpy looking in Top Gun but he's buff and got some 'guns' in Walker.



In case you were wondering...Sundown is the guy, navigator - I guess, sitting behind Maverick a few scenes/days after Goose was killed. After their flight, Sundown confronts Maverick and Maverick grabs him and says, "I will take the shot when I'm damn good and ready to take the shot!" Or something to that affect.

"In God We Trust"...that the country is going to SHIT!

In the on-line Star-Telegram...
(click on the quote for the full story)

A Keller school district parent said political correctness has run amok at her daughter's elementary school, where the principal chose to omit the words "In God We Trust" from an oversize coin depicted on the yearbook cover.

Let me start by reiterating that I am not a follower of any particular religion nor do I put complete stock in any GOD from any religion created the universe. You give me cold, hard proof and I'll become a believer but I can't go by blind faith. Also, I am of no particular political faction although some people could give me a label based on my views because everyone has to be labeled in some form or fashion in this world. So...label me FED UP!

With that said, I'm sick and tired of the political correctness of the good ole US of dumbfuck A! I believe that I learned in 8th grade history that the USA was built on the foundation of God and religion. Not Allah. Not Buddha. Not Kareem Abdul Jabbar. It was the God of the Christians. Apparently over the many years, these Christians have become too tolerant and giving. Maybe allowing the option to practice any faith that you believe has finally come to bite the country's forefathers on the ass. Now all these different religions are affecting the very foundation the country was built upon.

Doesn't anyone remember the chapter on separation of state and church? It seems to me that the church has infected the state. I'm not talking one particular church. I'm saying that religions in general have brainwashed the government representatives from the school district level to the presidency.

"One nation, under God," "In God We Trust," and all other references to the christian God are being removed to be sensitive to the beliefs of others.

FUCK THEM!

They are in a country of "freedom of speech, freedom of religion." A freedom given to them long ago by the believers in a christian God. And now, these other religions don't have the respect and thankfulness to let what's been be. Granted some things that have been should be changed but is a reference to God really hurting anyone in this country? I think not!

If they don't like references to God, get the hell out of America. Go to some country where you are going to have to believe in a universal religion. And if you don't, you are persecuted and possibly killed as an example not to fuck with that country's government.

God...Allah...Buddha...Kareem...people piss me off!

I've got to stop before I purchase a gun and really give people something to fear!


On a lighter note, game seven of the Mavericks vs Spurs is tonight. Who will be the victor? Pray to your particular god that the Mavs bring home the win AND then the championship. Hopefully ONE team from Dallas can win something this year!

Dallas Mavericks versus San Antonio Spurs Game 6

I'm starting to think the Mavs are just as worthless as the Stars.

How many times can you be "that close" and still blow it!?

There's no money in a short series...especially in basketball. Now short series in hockey doesn't matter because the TV viewership isn't there anyway.

At least the Mavs have made it interesting by going seven games instead of being out in four or five. But what is worse, out in four or up 3-1 and lost 4-3?

I know they are going to let me down! Bastards!

Awkward moments at work

You ever been talking to someone and while chatting they sneeze and accidentally fart? You ever have that happen with a coworker? A female coworker?

I did yesterday. She's an older lady, around 45. She and I were standing and talking when she sneezed and I swear to you she farted. It was quite loud but not thunderous.

I had the hardest time keeping myself from busting out laughing. I wasn't looking to embarrass her or anything but it was just funny. Funnier even that she just kept talking without missing a beat.

She must be an expert at the sneeze/fart combination.

Summer registration

Well, I am officially registered in two classes this summer. What is summer to me anyway as I am a full-time working part-time student?

My wife and kids are excited about summer but for me it just means more work. We are in crunch time to get the graduating students out and a new batch incoming students in within about three months time. It's not too difficult but it means a lot of paperwork, data entry, queries and manual labor...and that's just me. Oh well. Work is better than no work, sometimes.

Anyway, summer session one I am taking Human Sexuality. Woohoo! I heard it's an interesting course and the teacher is pretty good so I'm hoping for a fairly easy B or higher. In fact, I emailed the teacher to ask for her to accept me into her class because the course was already closed by the time I wanted to register for it. She replied and said it was okay so class starts June 1^st.

Summer session two I was already enrolled for my required Business Calculus course. The university is making me take and pass this class by the end of summer or they will put me on academic suspension. WTF? They don't realize I'm not a full-time student nor am I a traditional part-time student so I shouldn't have to abide by their time-frame rules but they are being dicks. Plain and simple! Oh well. Summer session two starts July 3^rd.

I don't know who is making me be so studious but I don't think I like it.

I guess there are some good times ahead for the summer!

Dallas Mavericks vs San Antonio Spurs

I'm not much of a basketball fan since the Chicago Bulls three-peat but since the Dallas Stars have left me hanging I don't have much choice but to hope at least ONE team from Dallas wins a championship.

I watched game five last night and must say that I'm disappointed. I've watched a few of the games and I'm wondering if the Stars shared their style of crappy play with the Mavericks.

Game one was winnable if whoever it was didn't go for the win with the three-pointer. All he had to do was shoot a two and they'd go to overtime. There is always someone who wants to be the next Jordan and hit the game winner at the buzzer! Great team play, ass face!

Game two was redemption and an ass-kicking for the Spurs. If I recall, the game was won by like a 10-point deficit. Good times!

Game three I must have missed because I don't remember it.

Game four went to overtime where the Mavs got the lead and held on for the win. Something the guy I can't remember from game one should be thinking about retrospectively. The Mavs potentially could have won it in four straight.

Game five was a good game. Again, the Mavs could have won it but I don't know what the hell the players were thinking with like 27 seconds left in the game. Why Dirk didn't try to pass the ball instead of getting stuffed causing a jump ball is beyond me. Second jump ball should have been between our guy, again forgot his name, and Finley not Ginobli although it really didn't matter because neither did a good job of jumping for the ball. So, there is like 2.6 seconds left in the game and Dallas has the ball in the offensive court for the throw-in. I can't remember who threw the ball in but he should be given a thousand lashes! He bounce-passed the ball to the nearest corner of the court instead of giving someone a better look from the middle of the court. I think he rushed the pass-in...freaking moron. The second mistake was when, um...I forget, had like 1.2 seconds to shoot the ball but instead tried to dribble into a Spur defender. It looked like he just let the ball go when he made contact with the Spur thinking he'd get a foul call. DIP SHIT! Just shoot the ball! He could have been the hero of game four with the game winning shot but instead he looks like a big wussy whining about a foul that never happened.

PUNKS!

No smoking

This was a sign on the door to Union Station in downtown Dallas. I think the limit should be like 50 feet.

No Smoking

Is this the new bling

The guy standing at the front is wearing a big-ass, wooden 'P' around his neck. Must mean something right??

Email humor 05/14/2006

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Colorado Avalanche swept by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks

I guess it's some kind of sweet revenge that the Avs got stomped by the Ducks.

I watched all their games and it's funny to me to see that the Avs played against the Ducks like the Stars played against the Avs. They played like because they are the Avs they will progress in the playoffs with minimal effort.

Maybe both the Stars and Avalanche have woken up after the ass-kickings they got.

I have no real favorite in the teams that are left but I would like to see Teemu Selanne (Ducks) get a championship. I don't think he has won one and he's been with the Ducks for a long time. He's a nice guy, a very good player and more deserving than a lot of guys out there. I think the Hurricanes are a good team too but they were previously the Montreal Canadiennes and they've won championships before, although not with the same guys as they have now.

Anyway, more hockey on today so we'll see if the Hurricanes can sweep the Devils - another team that thinks they are deserving.

I'm gone!

Keller's Hamburgers

Today, I am “working” from home because the left side of my kitchen sink is stopped up. It is also the side that has the disposal attached. I guess not that that matters but I can’t do shit with the sink. I have dishes stacked on the stove and around the sink. I have the cabinet under the sink’s contents on top of the cabinet – mainly shit like Easy-Off or Mr. Clean. I sent an email last night to our landlord and I got an out of office reply from her that says she will be out until Monday. Luckily, she did give a secondary contact if it is a maintenance emergency. I think this equals an emergency.

So, I send an email to my boss letting her know the situation and thinking I might be in the office just after lunch. Didn’t happen.

It’s now 1:11 p.m. and I just got back from going to lunch with my nephew, Robbie, to Keller’s Hamburgers. It’s pretty decent food at very decent prices and it was very quick. I mean on the way we saw a Dallas cop pulling over “50 Cent” in his Caddy. On the way back home, we saw the cop still on the side of the road with the guy. That’s quick service, man.

Anyway, I got a call earlier today around 10 a.m. from the plumber office. They said that they had a guy sick today and if our plumbing problem was something that could wait until Monday. I told them ‘No’ since I have shit piled around the sink and it’s starting to smell up the place. They said then it wouldn’t be until this afternoon. So, I sit and wait for the call. It is fun, fun, fun for everyone...well, me.

It’s not all bad. I got to go eat at Keller’s. If you are ever in Dallas, you should check it out. Again, it’s not extraordinary but a damn good deal for a damn good burger, fries and drink. Check it out when you are in town.

I guess I better get back to doing pseudo-work. I’m not really doing work but emailing back and forth to my boss and coworkers make it seem like I am working. Luckily, I finished most of my work yesterday so today would have been pretty boring anyway. I think.

Oh well, I’m outta here!

The other JLo

Although I don't like her bangs in her show The Ghost Whisperer, My "Love" is still damn hot and I still believe that someday, somewhere we will have our moment together. I know the wife won't mind.

Other things that girls do when they are alone

This proves that girls are BOYS too!

Subliminal advertising

This is an ad that shows up occasionally when I log into my Yahoo account.

Can you tell me what the hell a hot chick has to do with mystery shopping? Also, I've see this same woman in some online dating ads.

I guess if you have the face, you should use it.

Blogger.com must be racist

Am I locked in to a certain demographic with Blogger?

Every time I hit the NEXT BLOG button I am pretty sure that 8 out of 10 blogs are in Spanish. WTF is up with that?

I get asked if I’m Mexican enough in real life. I don’t need Blogger stereotyping me as well!

At least the Dallas Mavericks are still in their playoffs

And it doesn't hurt to have the Mav's Dancers....Woohoo!

Spring 2006 term in the bag

Another school semester is coming to a close. I finished my Macroeconomics final exam on Monday the 8th. I got an 85 which gives me an A overall.

Hell yeah, I just said I got an A! Boo-yah! I logged into the class discussion board last night to post my extra credit response even though I seem to not need it. I think my contribution was a good one. It was a little wordy but I had to get my point across.

I finished my Mechanical Engineering course about two weeks ago. It was weird because Sunday I got this queasy feeling that I was missing something in that class and I was going to fail because of it. I went online to see the class syllabus and all to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. She gave three exams in lecture, no final. I took three exams in lab and did my presentation but I still had that feeling of void. After looking over the syllabus again, I felt better but to make sure I logged into the actual system to see if my grade had been posted yet. Sure enough, it was. And you know what…another freaking A! Boo-yah! Ooo-rah!

Two As, damn straight.

That’s good because now I have to take business calculus, accounting and statistics to complete my subset to get into the business school. I think these As will allow me to shoot for C+ or higher in these remaining courses. LOL! I just know that these classes will require a lot more work, study and memorizing. Three things I am really lazy about. We’ll see how it goes. I’m taking business calculus in the second summer session. My advisor wants me to take accounting AND statistics in the fall so I can start right into the business school in the spring but I know that’s too much work to ask of me in one semester. With work, school and a family, school will be the one part that will falter. I know me and I’m not willing to give up the little free and fun time I get to entertain my hobbies and my kids’.

I was going to take accounting in the first summer session but it turns out that business calculus is a prerequisite for accounting and statistics. Bastards! I was all pumped and they shot me down. I think I may be able to get into it if I talk to my advisor but I need to go talk to him. Also, that extra class during the summer will allow me to receive my financial aid (loans) because I have to be enrolled in a minimum of six hours. I’m only in three now. It’s all about getting the extra money!

I know the accounting would be a lot of work during the summer session because it is every day of the week for two hours BUT it is done in 27 days. I like that part of it.

Well, I guess I’d better get back to work and maybe walk over to my advisor’s office to see about enrolling in accounting in summer session one.

In the news - 05/10/2006

I always knew Britney would someday show her trailer-trash roots. First baby is only eight months old and she's already had two visits from CPS. A second is on the way. Scary!

Why do redneck women continue to have children with deadbeat men? Do they think it will make the marriage stronger?

In Britney's case, I would think she needed a man for one thing and apparently he's served his purpose...at least twice!

Oh well!

Email humor 05/09/2006

Three women – a German, a Japanese, and a blonde were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” she said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The blonde woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The blond woman finally said, "Well will you look at that, I’m getting a fax.”

---

BEWARE! Ladies, please take note!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on women who might be past the age of giving a running pursuit, but you never know it could happen to you...

What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a red light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.

While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this. They got me on Friday and twice on Saturday.....I couldn't find them on Sunday.

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Definition of ugly

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?

"No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

More celebrity commentary

I will get back to typing about my boring perspective on life as soon as I get more focused but I thought I'd share some more interesting photos of celebrities. So, here they come...

Let's start off with a rather interesting (disturbing) view of the much-hyped Britney Spears "giving birth" statue. I don't think I've seen any photos from this angle in ANY of the news stories that ran about this statue. I think I know why. The head of the baby (that's what I'm assuming it is) helps form kind of like a giant clit. Vewwy interesting!



Here's some flash backs for the older crowd...
Remember when Farrah Fawcett was hot!? And wasn't publicly out with her insaneness? I do. I fantasized to this poster many times as a young lad. Oh, the good times....



Cry Baby
I think this is one Johnny Depp movie that doesn't get much hype...Cry Baby. I don't recall much said if anything about it when Johnny was on Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton. I thought it was funny as hell, especially that ugly, funny-looking, big-nosed weird chick! Watch the movie, you'll know the woman I'm talking about.



I think the world is tired of Pamela Anderson
At least I am. I mean I think there was a time when she was an attractive, augmented Baywatch babe but that time has come and gone. She is kind of scary looking in the first picture and the second, I'm wondering if she gets satellite TV because her nipples are always pointing up to the south sky.

About multiple celebrities post...

Ice-T's wife, Coco
So do you think she's in it for them money? I think she's got a real name but I guess Coco is her stage name for whenever she's on stage...at the local gentlemen's club. You go Ice-T.



Whatever happened to Piper Perabo?
Piper Perabo where are you now? She was so pretty in Coyote Ugly. I am saddened she didn't give me a call before she started being seen with the likes of Colin Farrell. I guess the positive side of it is that in a few weeks/months we'll being seeing a sex video of the two of them. I can dream...about her, that is.



Christina Aguilera - Face canvas
How much make up does Christina Aguilera wear? I wonder what she looks without ANY make up. She's always looking like a porcelain doll. I don't know if that's so good especially when her "paint" comes off and it could be a scary sight. Now granted, this was for a video shoot but she wears pounds of seal and whale blubber almost all the time she's in public.



The Olsen Twins
This is just one of them but they used to be so pretty. Is this the effects of high stress and pressure to put out all those kid movies and a clothing line? Or is it from that half semester of college? What would Danny Tanner think of them now?



Jodie Marsh
Who is this woman? I don't know but she really needs to loosen up...literally. Now I see what they mean by "like two bowling balls in a marble sack."








American Idol - Kellie Pickler
I haven't watched this show since the first two seasons but I know Kellie's name from MSN.com and other online papers. How old is this girl? I thought she was like 19-21yrs old but from this picture, she looks way older in the face. That sun in Hicksville is causin' a hurting and aging on her face. Also, who is the old bag of bones with his arm wrapped around her? Other than looking old, she's also got that "Please help me I'm being held against my will" panic look.



Another 'who is this woman'?
I don't know who Katie Price is either. The only things I can think of are DAMN and BREAK SPAGHETTI NOODLE STRAP, BREAK! Now what's scarier, that I think these things or that I know what a spaghetti noodle strap is?



Update: I know who she is now. She's Katie Price aka Jordan. She was in Playboy a few years back. She had more blond hair back then...and she was naked, so I didn't recognize her with clothes on.

Jessica Simpson's funny boob
I used to think that Jessica Simpson was so naturally pretty...and it didn't hurt that she has voluptuos breasts. I don't know what went wrong with her or my thinking but she's not as hot to me as she used to be. I'm even more turned off by her oddly shaped bossom in this dress. Ugh! Oh okay, I'd still do her if she asked me but that's just hopeful wishing...by her, er, me.



Cacee Cobb - Jessica Simpson's assistant
This is really the reason why Jessica Simpson divorced Nick Lachey. Her best friend forever and assistant is HOT! Hotter than Jessica herself, just barely. I don't think I'd ever not need my assistant to help me.

No organized practice on field

Saw this sign on the fence at a peewee baseball field...I thought the point was to have organized practice...??

In sports recovery

I'm just now getting over the Dallas Stars' first round loss in the playoffs. Not much to type, just...well...just...

My new camera: Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT (350D)

I got a new camera...It's a Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT 350D. I spent some decent money on this one and hopefully I'll become better at taking pictures with it to make some money on the side like for weddings or parties and such. We'll see. The following are a few pictures I took just playing around with the camera on various settings and with two different lenses: the kit lens of 28mm-70mm and an extra one of 70mm-300mm. I also have a Pro wide-angle lens but haven't had a chance to play with it. I just got the camera yesterday. Give me time. I will dazzly with useless and/or random photos out the whazzoo!

My dead Speedstream DSL modem...on top is a new one I bought from Best Buy but I'll be returning since my sister had a spare Speedstream modem.

Black and white of...well, it's pretty obvious what it is.

Partial of some fOakleys - fake Oakleys - that my friend picked up in Mexico for $5.