Email humor 03/27/2007

The Wonders Of Wives!

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

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Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and Suffe(r)...ring.

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The last fight was my fault.

My wife asked,"What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

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In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

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Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive."

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How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

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If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying!"

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Skywalking

This is where we want to go this summer. It may not happen since I'm increasing my monthly rent and I'm poor as it is. I've got hopes though.


Click on the picture to see a few more pics.

Funny storyline leader

From Tennis.com...

Tiger Woods and Roger Federer go about their business in different ways. Federer carries his own bag but has someone pick up his balls. Woods has someone carry his bag but picks up his own balls.

Click on link for full story

BOSE Cylindrical Radiator Speaker

BOSE Cylindrical Radiator Speaker

These are some of the most awesome speakers for just about anything. I've been privy to use these during some A/V gigs with some friends that own these and they are pretty powerful. We just did a gig last weekend and used two speaker/bass setups and they sounded great covering an area about (roughly) 600' x 200' with little or no acoustics.

I'm thinking about getting a couple of sets (probably never will) to run some DJ gigs for my kids' school birthdays and/or events. I could use the extra money but I'd have to do enough to cover the initial costs of $4000 (2 x @ $2000).

They are cool though for the size and compactness. Blows many other speaker/audio setups out of the water.

I wish...

Sometimes I wish I had a computer/recorder hooked up to my mind/thoughts. I have so many random thoughts, quips, sayings, musings, mental lapses that I wish I could record or jot down right at the moment they pop in my head because by the time I get somewhere where I can write them down, I've forgotten them or I remember them piece meal. Either way, I get frustrated so my "thought awesomeness" is dwindled and I don't get to show off on blogger. :-)

Oh well, back to my dreary, currently boring job duties.

Dancing with the...has-beens?

Well, some of them are has-beens.

Joey Fatone (pronounced Phat-Won)...finally makes it on Dancing with the Stars. I don't know if he realizes it, but he will not be able to win it like his former-boy-band-buddy Drew Lachey did.

Heather Mills...everyone please boo her! No bitch deserves the amount of money she got from Sir Paul unless she helped or was involved in his career somehow.

Ian Ziering...seems like a genuinely good guy. During his dance, he was always smiling from ear to ear. He didn't do too badly either.

John Ratzenberger...I can't see him without a beer in his hand and a postal uniform. GO CLIFFY!

Clyde Drexler...Clyde the Glide was smooth on the basketball court. Most female ballroom dancers are probably 5'5" or smaller so I can see it will be a challenge for someone to dance with a 6'7" Clyde!

Laila Ali...floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee but can she dance. She's hot and that's enough for me.

Billy Ray Cyrus...come on, Billy. Do something with that nasty hair? Even the mullet was a better style. And it's a pity, your daughter has to carry you these days.

Apolo Anton Ohno, Leeza Gibbons, Shandi Finnessey and Paula Porizkova are mentionable but I really have nothing to say about them at this time.

And I really don't care to continue as the moment has passed and now I am bored.

Dallas Stars drawing

I was uploading pics to my photo blog when I remembered I did a drawing for my electrical engineering course. The homework was to create a schematic for 197 LEDs to be used in some sort of costume. We had to use four different sizes (i.e. 1.2amp, 2.4amp, etc). We could use as many battery chains of 10 1.2V (AA) batteries but it had to last at least six minutes and could be more without grade points deduction. I won't bother with showing my schematic but we also had to draw a picture the costume in which the LEDs would be used. So, without further adieu, here is mine:

Ah shit, I forgot to scan it in before I turned it into the professor. No problem, I'll upload it when I pick it up from his office assistant. So, hang tight.

Trip to the Dallas Arboretum for Dallas Blooms

Pictures from my trip to the Dallas Arboretum.

Flower 01


Flower 02


Flower 03


Flower 04


Blooming VW Van


Bird in a tree


Cactus


Statue


Couples embracing statue




Horses


Misters make it look like a fog...kind of eerie

Dallas Blooms at the Dallas Arboretum

I just got back from a family trip to the Dallas Arboretum. It was the first time I have been and I am pretty sure I don't need to go again...EVER! It was free so I can't complain too much but I don't see why or how people spend $5 for parking, $5 per kid and $8 per adult. Just to see freaking flowers, trees and plants. I mean it's nice but I would much rather spend $40 at Six Flags. As mentioned though, it was all free for us because my in-laws are members. Oh yeah, and we went because of some event called Dallas Blooms, which I expected to see a lot more 'blooming'.

So, if I were to have paid myself it would have come to $31 (not including lunch - which the in-laws picked up) and this is what I would have come away with...


The thoughts that were going through my head when I saw this in the gift shop are probably best left IN MY HEAD!

More Dallas Arboretum photos

Infinite pool (foreground is the pool, background is White Rock Lake)


They called this "Texas Town" display








Pond


Teepee


Mossy house




Spitting frog


Butterfly

More Dallas Arboretum photos

We took a family trip to the Dallas Arboretum. Here are some random photos that I took.

Flower 05


Waterfall


Flower pot and water spout


Little house


Small waterfall


Patio awning


Branch by a bridge or vice versa


Tree


Some kind of yellow flowers


Bed of different flowers

Dilbert strip of the day 03/08/2007

Many times I have felt this way in my job.



Provided by the awesome add-on DAILY DILBERT for Firefox 2.0. If you have Firefox 2.0, click here for a direct link to download the DAILY DILBERT add-on.

The wife is mad...so what!

Yep, the wife's mad at me. I think it has something to do with me calling her a retard. She was retarded. I wasn't being mean. I was being honest and truthful. I thought women wanted that. Anyway, it had something to do with our kids and how I reacted to something. I told her she was retarded and she took it more personal than she should have.

She told me later that evening that I was never "getting it again," just watch and see. It's been like a week. She's sticking to her guns so far. Too bad for her, I can masterbate. Ha! Sure, it's not the same...not even close...but it'll have to do.

Besides, to get back at her, I refuse to do anything she wants me to or anything I usually take care of like taking out the garbage, taking out the puppy, dinner, dishes, laundry, or packing (since we are going to move within the month to a new place).

So, YEAH! See how SHE likes it.

Loving household, isn't it?!

Is it Memorex or is it shitty music?

I think this guy has it right. I've been saying this all along but I don't have a big readership like CNET.

...the falloff in music sales has more to do more with the quality of contemporary music than with digital piracy...

Sandal socks

I don't know the actual name of them but I remember when I was young my mother had these socks, mainly all white and satiny, that she would wear with her sandals/slippers. They were basically the same concept as mittens for the hands...four fingers grouped together in one part of the sock, a "notch" and then the fifth (thumb) was in separate group. This allowed the person wearing the mitten to still be able to grasp things in a grip. Anyway, the concept of the sandal sock was to allow you to wear sandals while wearing socks.

This only came up because I've been letting the dog out during the night/early mornings for her "doodies" and the weather has been cooler. I wear my socks and then I need some sandals but it's tough to keep the bastards on because the socks push on the little piece of sandal that goes between the big toe and the one next to it.

Anyhow, check out the picture for reference...


It's amazing how I pulled that bit of randomness out of my ass.

Quotes of the day

From a calendar my coworker has on her desk...

Even if you don't believe a word of the Bible, you've got to appreciate the person that typed all that.

When I get married, I want a regular husband. I don't want a soul mate, because eventually husbands and wives start to hate each other. And when you think about it, a husband is only 'until death do you part.' But a soul mate is going to harass you for all eternity.
   ---Livia Squires, seismologist turned stand-up comedian