Email humor 03/28/2008

The new universal symbol for gasoline...

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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang, Whack!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

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LATINA WANTED
Jose was 35 and desperate to meet an attractive Latina he could date and maybe marry. After trying unsuccessfully to meet a nice attractive woman at a bar or club......his friend suggested the Internet. He had luck meeting women that way and his only warning was "Be direct and state exactly what you are looking for......no more, no less".

Taking his friends advice he decided to place an ad on a dating service stating exactly what he wanted........"Latino seeking sensual Latina " He got a response from girl # 2259 with her address and directions to pick her up on Friday night at 8:00 pm for a date.

When he arrives at her door, he finds that she is indeed sensual but he notices she is black. Figuring she must be Dominicana or Cubana, he starts to speak Spanish to her. " Como esta usted senorita?"

With attitude the girl replied..."OH HELLLLLLLL NO, you must be trippin!!!!" Confused and startled, Jose asks the woman......."Don't you speak Spanish???" The woman shocked replied......"Why the HELLLLL would I speak Spanish???"

Embarrassed, Jose carefully explains that while she is very attractive there must be a mistake because his ad clearly stated "Seeking Sensual Latina " Enraged, the woman tells Jose......."Fool you better RECOGNIZE !!!! You GOT what you WANTED!!!! My momma is LaShonda.......My sister is LaQuisha.....My brother is LaTrell.....and I am LaTINA!!!!

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Tipping a waitperson

I took the kids to eat dinner at On The Border this evening while the wife was teaching. Our waitress was like four feet tall but that's not why I'm writing.

We've eaten our meals and she's brought me the tab. I have been carrying a $100 bill around with me for a couple of weeks, looking for times I could break it but no one ever had enough change to do so. I figured the waitress would.

So, I pay with the c-note. It was a $26.14 tab and she brings me $74 broken down into three twenties, one ten and four ones. I do some quick calculations figuring that a $30 tab would be a $4.50 tip at the minimum 15%. I thought she was deserving of the $4.50 but the smallest amount I had was $4.00 and the biggest was $10.00. If you ask me and I wasn't in an enjoyable, nice mood, I would have just given her the four ones plus the fourteen cents she spotted me for a tip. But, in good daddy and waiter-in-the-past form, I ask her to break the ten dollar bill for me. She comes back with change of two $5.00 bills. I'm like WTF!

Now, she either remembers I have four ones or she's too retarded to think about breaking the ten down into a five and five ones. I'm thinking the latter. She's not making it any easier for me to give her a decent tip.

I end up giving her a five and a one which, again, I think she was totally deserving other than the fact I questioned her motives of originally giving me just four ones, a ten and three twenties. I question it because maybe she thought I was a cheap as out with his two young children and she wasn't expecting to get a good tip anyway. I know that's pre-judgmental of people but it has happened in the past.

Basically, because I've been a waiter, I will give you a very good tip starting at 20% if you are a very good server...you could get more. BUT, you have to give me the good service I expect and you have to give me the proper change to figure a good tip.

Anyway, I thought I'd share since I've got nothing else to do right now but rant.

But I'm done for now.

Beauty and the Geek

So, I'm a big fan of the TV show "Beauty and the Geek". This season hasn't been that exciting and interesting...yet...but there's still time for it to kick into gear.

I'm kind of bummed because they just kicked off one girl who just happened to be one of the best looking. She could probably do with a eyebrow plucking but overall she's still pretty hot. Too bad none of the nerds will be getting cozy with her now.

Oh yeah, here is a pic of her...did I mention she was a Playboy model? Click on her pick to go to her NSFW photos.

Email humor 03/26/2008

Clintons — "We Have A Dream"

In the news

From a story at the DallasNews.com. I just copied the "headline" as I think it says it all. You can try to click here for the entire story but registration may be needed and/or expiration may occur.

Associated Press
GALVESTON, Texas - A jury on Tuesday rejected a man's claim that he was insane when he put his infant daughter in a microwave and turned it on for up to 20 seconds.

I don't even know why we waste money trying people like this. And now they are in the "punishment phase" of jury deliberations: Do they give him probation or life in prison?

Are you kidding me...they actually have to CHOOSE between the two!? I mean it is obvious to me but I would have put a third punishment in there: Put him in a microwave for 20 seconds and then put him on death row so he can live with and feel the pain and suffering of his injuries like his daughter has to.

America is a pretty great country but we are WAY to lenient on criminals! If the punishment is more severe, I can guarantee you that the crime statics will go down.

Back to the grindstone

Well, it was kind of nice to have a week of "vacation" but I have to go back to my "regular" schedule next week. The kids are still off of school tomorrow but I have work and my night photog class. Good times. I wish I could be permanently retired along with not having to worry about making a living.

Oh, to dream...

Unplanned vacation time

Well, I've missed work all week so far. My kids are on spring break so it hasn't been for nothing but I also didn't plan any of it.

My wife's mother, my mother-in-law, has been in the hospital since Sunday afternoon. They don't know what's wrong with her and they haven't been able to do any in depth tests like a colonoscopy or lower GI or anything.

If the damn weather would cooperate, I would take the kiddos to Six Flags for the day but it has been raining like cats and dogs all day! It's supposed to stop and be a nicer day tomorrow but it hasn't stopped yet.

Fucking mother nature sucks ass!

Anyway, that's been my awesome week so far.

A couple of movie "reviews"

I always hate typing REVIEWS when really they are just my honest opinions about movies I have watched but here the "reviews" go...

 

No Country for Old Men. The movie was quite violently graphic which is a thumbs up. The action was pretty good for another thumbs up. The storyline and plot started out easy enough to follow but then it got a little zig-zaggy. The cat and mouse between Llewelyn Moss and Anton Chigurh was pretty good although occasionally a little far-fetched. My main complaint is that the ending seemed kind of incomplete.

Anyway, it was worth the free rental I "paid" for it so rent your copy and somewhat enjoy it.

 

Michael Clayton. I'm not sure why the movie was up for an academy award but it was. It wasn't a bad movie but it wasn't a movie where I was saying, "Damn, this should be one of the top five movies for best picture!" It just wasn't that kind of movie.

The movie had a similar premise of movies like The Insider, The Pelican Brief, Eric Brokovich, and The Firm. Now, the lady that won best supporting actor was probably deserving. She played a character under a lot of stress and did well with it. Other than that, I've seen this movie premise before and it wasn't done any better this time around than before. In fact, before may have actually been better.

 

Hitman. You know what this movie is going into it...and it does not disappoint.

The main character actor seems so familiar but I couldn't place where I've seen him before even after looking him up on IMDB.com. It gives many movies and shows that he has co-starred in but none bring back images of the part he played.

Anyway, I think he did a very good job as a cold-blooded killer. He ended up having or showing some feeling which is the same in other movies with similar story lines but it was a good, new-but-similar play on already told plots.

It's very graphic as expected but I would definitely recommend Hitman over Michael Clayton any day!

Email humor 03/16/2008

Okay, this shit has been going around (I've got it a few times...in fact, I think some people who I sent it to sent it back to me). Anyway, this is pretty cool in a white trash kind of way.

In the news 03/13/2008

This is the prostitute that Eliot Spitzer, former Governor of New York, was hooking up with in that whole New York prostitution thingy that's going on. Between you and me, would you not tap this on more than one occasion? Damn! and Double Damn!

 

Have you seen his wife? Okay, I'd probably still bang his wife too but that's just because I'm a very giving person.

In the news 03/12/2008

From DallasNews.com — Kansas woman spent 2 years sitting on boyfriend's toilet

In the story (I'd link to it but they always expire), they said they had to pry the toilet seat off the toilet to be able to transport her to a hospital because her ass and leg skin had "fused" with the seat. "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck..."

How gross is that? And I thought wiping off piss splatter or ass shrapnel was bad!

Logitech Harmony 880 Advanced Universal Remote Control

I just got an email notice saying that my Logitech Harmony 880 has been shipped. I took the plunge Friday on getting this fairly expensive remote although it already has an updated version. It was $149.99 on Amazon but I used a coupon code that took off $50.00 and I got free fun-saver (or whatever it's called) shipping.

So, $99.99 out of the block without any tax or shipping. I figured it was a fair deal to take a look at and try something I just couldn't bring myself to pay so much for in the past. It's still a little higher than I would like to spend but if it controls all my different components — tv, stereo, dvd, dvr, and vcr (yes, i still have one) — then it may be well worth its cost.

Super-save shipping time and delivery says it should be on my doorstep by March 13th. We'll see and I'll probably give a brief and non-technical (in writing only) review.

PNY Attache USB 2.0 1GB Flash Drive

J&R is selling this PNY Attache USB 1GB Flash Drive here as long as the link lasts.

I really don't see the point in the selling of this 1GB flash drive, especially for $6.99. I can get a 2GB for $9.99...a 4GB for like $19.99...an 8GB for like $29.99.

So again, why would I want to waste seven bucks on a lower capacity flash drive? I guess someone out there will buy a bunch of these for handing out as freebies.

What's in a name?

So, my wife tells me the other day that J-Lo and Marc have named their twins...wait for it....

Max and Emmy

And if anyone has recently had little children, you probably know that those are the character names from Dragon Tales, who just happen to be Spanish-speaking although they didn't speak it very often in the shows.

Do you think they sat back and were deciding what "famous" names could they use to name their children...

"A-ha! Max and Emmy from Dragon Tales?"

I mean is there not another Mexican/Spanish actor/actress/famous person they wanted to name the twins in reference to? Not that these are bad.

I mean I really don't care but it was really weird to know that their twins' names are the same as the PBS show.

Oh well, I'm outta here!