Jessica Simpson is still hot in a white trash kind of way

I don't know what this blogger/poster is complaining about here.

I'd be happy to see more shots of Jessica like this or even with a little less attire.

Trust me the time will come. All stars fall and then they pose for Hef!

Kids say the darnedest things

Yesterday evening I came home from playing tennis in this wonderful Texas weather. As I'm taking off my soaking wet shirt to cool down in front of the fan, my youngest points to my love handles and asks me, "Daddy, why is your skin falling out of your shorts?"

Now that's some funny shit! Somewhat depressing but funny!

Email humor 07/27/2006

BROKEBACK FUNERAL

Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Donny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Joe was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes into a pot of spicy chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

In the news 07/25/2006

Headline on MSNBC:

Homeless man finds best reward is honesty…A homeless man…returned $21,000 worth of savings bonds…The bond owner’s son gave him $100.

I don’t think that $100 is a good exchange rate for $21,000.

What kind of crap is this? I mean it would have been better to not give him anything at all. What is a $1000 to someone who has $21,000? Freaking greedy bastards!

Personally, I wouldn’t have given him anything versus giving him a crappy $100 but that’s just me.

It is nice to read about the generosity of others, though. I could only wish to be as generous as these people.

Link to story is here if it doesn’t expire.

Email humor 07/25/2006

COMPANY PARTY

The Company has decided to hold a summer company party. We can have alcohol, but due to liability issues, we will be limited to one (1) drink per person. The good news is I'm in charge of cups.

---

A POST TURTLE

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush, and his elevation to the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down."

---

LULU

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted.

---

HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO STOP SMOKING

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Why kids should not be left alone...

A "break" from the heat

In Texas, we got a break from the heat. Instead of 100+, this weekend the occasional overcast skies allowed it only to get to 98.

Should we pay homage to Mother Nature?

A funny Monk moment

I’m a Monk watcher.

I just happened to have it on the channel (USA Network) and I saw the preview for this week’s new show. I normally TiVo the show and watch it a day or so later but I just got done watching “The Matador” and it sucked.

Anyway, one of the funniest parts of the one of the funniest episodes was when Monk was asked by Julie to speak at her school on career day. He followed after an astronaut that handed out laser pointers to all the kids. When it was Monk’s turn, all the kids pointed their laser pointers on Monk and he fruck out!

It was some of the funniest shit I’ve seen.

Oh well. Quick meaningless rant, I guess.

Going to sleep now because tennis at 7:30am comes early and I’m tired as hell already!

Someone is headin' for an ass-whooping

Is there a tactful way to tell someone you know (work with) to shut the wholly fuck up? (Excuse my French, mom!)

I mean not just because you want to be mean but because they talk so DAMN loud. I mean they can be sitting across from you at a one-foot wide table and they are almost yelling at you. I guess they can’t tell that they are talking freaking loudly as hell but then they shoot that theory to hell when they actually come up to you at other times and they are talking in a softer “inside” voice.

I guess I’m just more irritable about it today than normal because I’ve gradually have gotten less and less sleep as the week has progressed.

I’m about to snap! I probably would have already if they weren’t my boss!

Email humor 07/21/2996

This looks like a mug shot but still funny.

Email humor 07/19/2006

Do you think this would set off any lawsuits in the office?

Superman Returns - not as bad as they say

Superman Returns. I went to see this last night with my nephew. For me, I must say it wasn't that bad.

I think they could have found a more appealing actress to play Lois Lane and Brandon Routh is NO Christopher Reeve but, all in all, the movie was a decent movie with good morals of which is the basis of all Superman movies.

There was just something about Christopher Reeve being a clumsy nerd named Clark Kent with a bad ass alter ego called Superman. Reeve was able to pull off the opposite spectrums of each character.

Unlike Reeve, Routh just wasn't as convincing as a clumsy four-eyed dork. A few times though he almost pulled off the look that Reeve had when he'd try to be stern with people but with the utmost sensitivity. I'm sure I'm not explaining it well but if you know what I mean, well...you know what I mean.

I guess I'm a sucka for reminiscing. When I heard the theme music and then saw that Singer (the Director) stuck with the way the credits rolled in in the past movies, I was sent back to being a little boy and watching Superman (I) in the movie theater with my parents and two of my brothers. It was one of the few times that my dad went to a movie.

I'm not going to get into a whole critique of the movie and all but other than the bad choice for Lois and an okay substitute for Christopher Reeve, there were other parts of the movie that I didn't like.

One biggie was how could Lois assume that her son was the offspring of Superman? When Superman and Lois got together (was it Superman II), Superman was human. So technically, he would have fertilized her with human not Kryptonian sperm. Okay, we could answer this by saying that when he transformed back into Superman at the Fortress of Solitude and Zod and his sidekicks were turned into human that the transformation COULD have affected the unknown baby in Lois' womb. Only thing is that the effect took away the super powers for those outside of the little crystal vestibule that Superman was in while he got the powers back.

With me?

Days later at the Daily Planet, Lois still knows that Clark is Superman. Clark plants a powerful memory-wiping lip-lock on Lois and she forgets about it all.

Fast forward to Superman Returns...Superboy shoves a piano into a guy threatening Lois, his mother, and Lois thinks, "Hm, he must be Superman's son." In fact, she tells Superman he's his kid when he's comatose in the hospital. But, I'm thinking if she doesn't remember anything about their little escapade in the Fortress of Solitude shouldn't she be thinking, "How the hell did Superman impregnate me without me knowing?" and she'll file a lawsuit against Superman for rape.

Anyway, other than the nitpicking, it is still a good story about how he stands for truth, justice and the American way.

The world needs unbiased heroes and kids need people to believe in even if they are not completely real. Maybe the world wouldn't suck as bad as it does at times in present reality.

I'm out!

Jessica Biel selling her body, er, a date with her

Win a date with Jessica Biel!

Who in their right mind wouldn't want that? Those of us that are too poor!

Oh well, I can dream.

If the link still works, see the full story here.

Sarah Michelle Gellar to get nude?

A few years ago this would have been very interesting news to me. Now that she's skinnier and not as attractive as when "Buffy" first came out, I'm not sure I'd want to see her in the buff. Okay, I would but I'd wait until it came on DVD or I could download from the web.

Actress SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR wants to go topless in her next film role — to shock movie bosses into giving her sexy roles in future films.

THE GRUDGE star is approaching her 30th birthday and fears she will be deemed too old to play raunchy roles, unless she proves she is still attractive and daring by baring all in a film.

She explains, "I am approaching 30 and I need a change.

"The sort of roles I would like are not being offered, so this way might just shock people into choosing me."

Link to web site with the story is here

One reason why fancy digital cameras suck

So, I think I mentioned in a previous post that I purchased a Canon Digital Rebel XT because I wanted to learn more about photography.

It's a great camera, don't get me wrong. But like all things great, it's not without its flaws. This isn't just for the Digital XT but I'm sure all SLR-type digital cameras suffer from this problem except maybe the HIGH-END ones which I'll never own because I could buy a car with how much they cost.

Anyhow, you can't take simple, easy, quality pictures in low-light or dark without the tracer effect. I'm sure there is a photography term for it but I call it the tracer effect. It's where you take a picture and the shutter stays open longer so it can gather as much light as possible for the exposure of the shot. That's great except for you get this acid-trip photo instead of the nice shot of the lights, fireworks or whatever.

I wish you could just point and shoot like the point-and-shoot cameras but it seems it doesn't work this easily or I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

I researched this problem on the web and all they suggest for a solution is to get a tripod for those low-light/no-light shots! Who carries a tripod with them to take shots of fireworks that you just happened to see instead of planning for it? So, I went and bought a 5" tripod that extends to 15" because I'd like to be able to take decent night photos. We'll see if it works. What about when I don't have a surface to place the tripod on, then what will I do?

Please, please, please if anyone knows how to change a setting or whatever on these digital SLRs (particularly the 8MP Digital Rebel XT), let me know. I'd like something easier and more convenient than a mini-pod.

Sex in the Matrix

I was going to bed last night and I had a thought...

I want you to think of the movie The Matrix.

Think about you (as a man) having sex with a woman in the Matrix.

Now, think about that woman turning in to an "agent".

What do you think would happen?

The thought is both gross and painful, huh?

As Agent Smith would say:

Why Mr. Anderson, it's not as big as Trinity says it is. Is it, Mr. Anderson?

Banning of "grillz" and "gauging"

(this guy should get Proactiv before he buys anymore grillz)
I was a teenager when male ear piercing was becoming the "in" thing and there was an uproar about it. The difference is that ear piercing is no where near as stupid a concept as "grillz"! The "gauging"? That's just stupid and for a kid or parent not to realized that Another article stated that one of the businesses that makes grillz gets orders from kids AND parents who buy them for their kids. WTF? I think these parents should be beaten with a blunt object!

First, as a kid to spend $200 on this "accessory" is just ridiculous. Aren't there other things - more useful things - that you would much rather buy? As a parent that shells out $200, what the hell is wrong with you!? Shouldn't you buy a cellphone or a brain for your child's protection or something?

I wouldn't buy myself $200 worth of crap whether it be grillz, expensive tires or rims, or anything else that isn't multi-useful.

Think people! THINK!

Here's the story excerpt from the Star-Telegram...

Texas school district bans grillz
Associated Press

ARLINGTON, Texas - The school district here has expanded its dress codes to include mouths - and earlobes.

Students may no longer wear mouth jewelry known as "grillz" - shiny teeth caps - or the earlobe-stretching practice known as "gauging."

"The district is having to respond to fads because they've become distracters or a safety hazard for those around them," said Malcolm Turner, the district's executive director of student services.

The nearby Irving, Grand Prairie and DeSoto districts also ban grillz, and some also address gauging - the process of placing increasingly large items in the ears to stretch the lobes.

But students said the body modification is simply self-expression.

"Really, a grill is just like an earring. It's fashion," said junior Devonte Wright, 16.

But school officials said they hoped to teach students that life would require them to follow specific regulations in specific settings.

"We want to instill in them a sense of modesty and a sense of community," said school board trustee Gloria Pena. "We're preparing them for the work force, and in the work force there are rules."

Advertisement in a Rolling Stone magazine

I was reading a Rolling Stone magazine while in my office (aka bathroom going #2) and came across this advertisement. I'm not totally sure what the naked chick has to do with shoes but I'm not complaining!

If you look at the picture, the mirror reflections sort of make it look like she's laying on her back with her legs spread and her boobs hanging to each side of her body. The wife thinks that they sort of tried to give an image of a vagina. Who really knows?

I do know that if I am going to get chicks like this from wearing these shoes I'm buying a couple of pairs!

Stay (2005)

Stay (2005). If you want to be confused by a movie, watch this one.

I'm not easily confused but the movie went one way and I went the other and I don't think we ever met up again until the end...which I think I got but am not sure.

I'd recommend it if I knew what the hell it was about.

Oh well!

Streaker at Wimbledon Tournament 2006

NO sport is safe from streaking...I believe this happened during the quarter-final match between Maria Sharapova and Elena Dementieva

"Evil" Kim Clijsters at 2006 French Open

My first thought is "Hm, cleavage shot" but it quickly changes to, "I'm sorry witch lady. Don't put a spell on me. I won't look there again!"

Ellie Parker (2005) and The Evil One (2005)

Let me just share with you a couple more of the worst movies ever made.

Ellie Parker (2005). "Stars" Naomi Watts and a small part by Chevy Chase sucks donkey dicks!

The only thing that kept me watching it until the finish other than I rented it is the fact that Naomi showed her boobs for about 30 seconds. It made me want more and expect more but more boobies never came.

Save yourself some heartache and go rent the original Bad News Bears.

 

The Evil One (2005). This movie doesn't even have subtitles which already told me that it was probably going to suck BIG balls. It "stars" Candace Carey who apparently had a role in Drumline.

Whoever decided to make this movie wasted time AND money. I get the feeling that it was made by a black director and/or black producer because 97% of the cast was black. Except for the killer-guy who was white killing mostly blacks which could mean it was some white director/producer. Who knows.

I do know that the acting was below piss-poor and the cinematography seemed like it was shot on a VHS video camera...not even the 8mm, Hi-8, or digicams. Can I say, 'it blows' any more times?

Okay, I'm down for the count. Going to bed and hoping to get a good night's sleep!

I hate shopping for clothes

Does anyone else hate shopping for clothes?

Okay, maybe not your prima-donna types that are the perfect size, shape and height or skinnier. You people disgust me. And the anorexics that think they are beautiful…you literally disgust me to the point of wanting to puke.

There’s nothing worse looking to me than some bulimic-looking persona (mainly females). It’s disgusting not to mention I can’t even fantasize about grabbing your ass because you literally don’t have one.

Anyway, back to my hating shopping.

I must say that I’m not a person that’s caught up on how I look or the size of my gut (you wouldn’t get that from my previous paragraphs, would you?). I am married and happily so. I’m in a comfort zone as a psychologist might say. I’ve been comfortable for some time…too comfortable the Surgeon General might say. I like comfortable feeling/fitting clothing. I don’t like to tuck in and as much as possible I avoid dressing up – my definition is anything above and including khakis and a polo-type shirt – which is mainly reserved for going to work. Speaking of work, I’ve had the same 7 (yes, 7) polo-type shirts for the past seven years – no, that’s not one shirt worn per year although I wouldn’t be against that! LOL! Anyhow, they’ve gotten to the point where the collars are no longer stiff and it seems like I have ring-around-the-collar before I put the shirt back on even after getting it out of the laundry. So, it’s been time for new shirts for some time. I did break down and buy new pants (6 pairs total over the 7 years) although I don’t particularly like them. I think it’s more that I don’t make them look good than they don’t make me look good. Ha!

So, I went to Wal-Mart two days ago to go shopping for new clothes for the wife and myself. I’m more secondary on the need for purchasing as you can obviously tell by how often I update the wardrobe but if I found something I really liked and felt good on, I’d buy it. Speaking like that makes me sound so…womanly…so…gay. I was in dire need of t-shirts. All my t-shirts are just as old and probably ragged because I used them often to play tennis, bum around the house, play hockey and anything else you can think of. Also, my kids like to wear my t-shirts to bed or around the house and they tend to drop juice drinks, food, or whatever on them which means that they are no longer wearable at informal gatherings such as lunch, brunch, or just hanging in public. Even I know when embarrassing is embarrassing. My wife needs clothes for teaching and since she’s the more respectable of us two, she deserves the newer clothing more than I even though I work five days a week whereas she may work in the “public eye” eight hours max a week.

Anyhow, we went to a Wal-Mart in Bedford, Texas which is about 20 minutes away from Dallas because the Wal-Marts that are close to us are shitty. Nothing against other diversities, but one Wal-Mart is in the “hood”. It’s dirty like the floors are nasty and the atmosphere is like you could get mugged IN the store at any time. It’s demographic is in the lower income bracket of Blacks, Hispanics and the Middle-Eastern types. Basically, ethnicities that are looking to get things very, very cheap if not free. They’ll bitch and complain about a pair of tennis shoes being $12.99 even though they could go to Target or the like and pay ten dollars more. The point is, is that the clothing is not as nice as at the Bedford Wal-Mart because even Wal-Mart will stock their shelves with items based on the demographic the store was built in.

So, the Bedford Wal-Mart had some pretty decent men’s clothes. I liked a few dress shirts they had. They have a label called “George” which isn’t too shabby. Hell, you can buy a short-sleeve button dress shirt for $10-$12 with similar quality as you would buy one at Dillard’s for $24.99 and above. I’m a believer in that it’s not the equipment that makes a person better; it’s the skills that person has to make even the “cheapest” equipment perform at the same level or better of more expensive equipment.

Did that quote have anything to do with this post? I’m not sure.

Anyways, to the point of hating shopping for clothes. I took a few of these short-sleeve button and some polo-type shirts to try them on. I picked large which is 42-44 in the chest. I tried them on in the dressing room by myself (meaning not coming out to show the wife) and they all seemed to fit fine. I met up with the wife later and she saw some other “higher” quality shirts—the George label—and wanted me to try them on instead. Of course, she thought I need the extra large which is 46-48 in the chest. WTF? I got broad shoulders, as my mom used to always tell me. It’s a pity the belly has gotten as broad as the shoulders. I tried them on over my t-shirt I was wearing and that’s what made her think I needed the XL. I told her the L was fine because the t-shirt was making it seem tighter than it was. I mean I wasn’t bulging in places that I shouldn’t have. It was just tight in the shoulder/arm pit area. I decided I’d go with the XL and return them if once I got home and they were too big.

The kicker is the pants. If there was any thing that could knock me off of my ego at cloud nine, it would be to try on pants. To grab a pair of pants in a size that you hope you haven’t reached but know you haven’t gotten above and find out that you can fit them but they are a tad too tight, is really disheartening. Who would have thought it would be hard to fit all 100% of my manliness (translated as spare tire) into a 38-inch waist. It is at moments like this that I feel my womanhood come out and I uncontrollably begin to wail, “Why!? Why!? Why!?” like Nancy Kerrigan did when she was clubbed on the knee.

Needless to say, I bought the shirts and vowed then and there that I would change my lifestyle and lose the “few” extra pounds that I have gained in the past 10+ years. To seal the deal, as I drove home, I reached into a bag in between the driver and passenger seats which contained my Sonic Burger #1 and wolfed it down in my agony. Okay, not so much agony as it was starvation.

I got home and in one of my moments of deep thought (usually occurs while I’m peeing for some reason) I decided that the first step is to change my schedule of when I do things before I go to work and when I get home. I’m always so tired that I have trouble getting up in the morning but that’s because I go to bed around 11pm or later each night. I’ve decided I’ll try to get up at 6am and ride my bike or lift some weights in my garage before 7am because that’s when my wife goes on her walk with her mother. Somebody has to stay home to watch the kids. We did think about taking the kids with us but I’m not sure if they’ll be up to doing something that early in the morning. They said they’d be excited but they didn’t wake up to do so this morning, neither did I.

So, we’ll see how things go. I can talk the talk but can I walk the walk? That’s left to be seen.

To be continued....maybe.

Dirty sanchez

I try to keep this blog as PG-13 as possible but occasionally I may slip. I just couldn't not share this.

I didn't know what a "dirty sanchez" was until about six months ago. Who would have thought of 1) doing this and 2) giving it such a name?

It's funny and disgusting at the same time and it just HAD to be shared! You'll need to scroll down because I wanted to give fair warning.

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Dallas skyline

The Dallas skyline from my perch while watching the July 4th fireworks displays.
 

God and Goverment -- Agree or delete

Andy Rooney

DID YOU KNOW?

As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view .. it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!





DID YOU KNOW?

As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.



DID YOU KNOW?

As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall, right above where the Supreme Court judges sit, a display of the Ten Commandments!



DID YOU KNOW?



There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW?



James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement:

"We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God."

DID YOU KNOW?



Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said: "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ"

DID YOU KNOW?

Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

DID YOU KNOW?



Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

DID YOU KNOW?



Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law an oligarchy -- the rule of few over many.

DID YOU KNOW?

The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said:



"Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Lets put it around the world and let the world see and remember what this great country was built on.


Chamber, US House of Representatives



It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, it is very hard to understand why there is such a mess about having the Ten Commandments on display or "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the other 14% to Sit Down and Be Quiet!!!

Steve Yzerman retires from hockey

STEVIE Y RETIRES!

Although I am a Dallas Stars fan, I believe Yzerman was a great player! It’s amazing that a player can be so much appreciated and remain with one team for so long, especially in the “new NHL”.


See story in the online Dallas Morning News here while it lasts.

And check out all the banners hanging from the Detroit Red Wings Joe Louis Arena. They are going to run out of room!

Overanalysis of Spider Man 2

I was re-watching “Spider-Man 2” today to help fix my surround sound system and it made me wonder…

• How did Octavius become “superhuman” when all that happened to him was the mechanical arms were fused to his spinal cord? Like when he’s robbing the bank, Spidey slings a bag full of gold coins into Octavius’ face, the bag basically explodes upon impact, and Doc Oct shrugs it off like it was a mosquito bite.
• How come Spider Man didn’t just spin a gigantic web ahead of the speeding train to stop it?
• If Spidey’s web is strong enough to attach to buildings and stop a train, how did Octavius remove the quick spurts from his glasses that Spidey shot at him (I think this was during the building fight where Aunt May was involved but not sure)?
• How was Octavius able to avoid being seen or even found in his new “laboratory” when he couldn’t exactly hide his mechanical arms AND he made such a ruckus when he traveled by using the arms?

There are other things that bothered me too but I guess I’m over-analyzing the movie already.

Just some thoughts.

Email humor 07/01/2006

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ‘Oh. CRAP.’” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then fell over the coffee table and farted."

---

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."