Friday, March 31, 2006

Email humor 03/31/2006

The beer wagon has arrived...

Good Night, and Good Luck

Good Night, and Good Luck.

I watched this movie today. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either. I guess I should say that it wasn't very entertaining. I felt like I was watching a documentary that was being shown in a high school history class or a college poli-sci course.

It was informative to an extent but I understand why it didn't last too long at the theater.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Some gross facts you never knew about...

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.




In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)




An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.




In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!




Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.




Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.




In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.




At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.




Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



HAVE A NICE DAY!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

To lighten the mood from the last post...















And finally, um...what the heck is this?

Illegal immigration

Again, I'm not politically charged but I do think there is a serious problem with illegal immigration. All these student protestors are saying shit like my parents work hard and pay taxes and blah, blah, blah but what they don't realize is that IF their parents ARE paying taxes, I really don't think they should worry because they probably aren't ILLEGAL. If they are paying taxes AND are illegal, then I'd have to say that our government is even more jacked up than we think!

I understand their fears for the possibility of their parents or whatever relative they have that is illegal could be deported (I'm assuming deportation because why the hell would we want to house these illegal immigrants in prisons when they haven't committed a heinous crime) but if these students are law-abiding CITIZENS, they should know that it's called ILLEGAL immigration because it's...well...ILLEGAL!

Now granted, if they deport these illegal immigrants how are homes or office buildings going to be built or the rich people's lawns mowed and cared for? I'm not saying that these illegal immigrants shouldn't be given a chance to become legal immigrants. Depending on how long they have been here and if they can prove it, then I think they should be given a chance.

But how many of them do you think are going to actually take the time and effort to try to become "legal"? Are these student protestors going to lend a hand to their relative(s) to help them obtain and fill out the necessary documents or would it cut into their socializing teenager time? They can protest all they want but are they truly willing to help by putting forth the effort.

I'm not sure most of these students even know what they are "protesting" against. I think to most it is more about getting a free day out of school. For the others - the 'smart ones', I think they would know that it's not a good idea to skip school and risk their futures after the Superintendent said Tuesday was the final "free" day. The student that said this obviously have their shit straight...
(click on quote to see full story)
"It was dangerous, what we did today," said Briceida Villaruel, a student at W.T. White High School. "We said everything we wanted to. Now we need to stay in school in order to get our educations."



Some students are just plain stupid. The Superintendent had already stated yesterday that further protesting by students would result in harsher penalties. Get a freakin' clue...
(click on quote to see full story)
"All of our parents know we're here," he said. "We were more calm, more respectful than those other students - and we're getting issued tickets."

I guess I'm done. Sorry for the rant but I can't stand when people can't see that some things the government wants to make policy of are truly, real problems in society. With the attacks on American soil, the hatred of America (generalized) and the fighting by American soldiers abroad, it is time that the "free country" tightens its borders for the safety of all "legal" people within those borders. The American government has realized it's become to laid back and worthless. How many people do you think are in this country - undocumented - because the La Migra hasn't be proficient enough to do its job? These are just Mexicans but they could be future planners of terroristic activities. Be lucky that I'm not the dictator, er, uh, President. Everyone coming into the country that isn't a citizen would be tagged and bar-coded and they would have to pay a fee every two weeks for them to check in at an immigration office. I'd bring in money for the budget deficit to dwindle and at the same time would be maintaining (somewhat) having immigration on a leash of sorts. All in theory of course but it couldn't be any worse than the current situation.

Update: I happened upon this web site that has a pretty decent description of the proposed immigration bill. Check it here: http://migramatters.blogspot.com/. If you looke at the fourth bullet, it pretty much covers the point I made about helping the illegals become legals.

I'm out!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Email humor 03/28/2006

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."



Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard," he says, "she got in the back-seat by mistake."

Monday, March 27, 2006

Email humor 03/27/2006



Laffy Taffy

Can somebody please tell me what the hell "that laffy taffy" is so maybe I can shake it so as to stop one of the stupidest songs EVER recorded AND played on the radio?!

I fear for our society when people actually like and request this 'song'.

It's absolutely and positively ridiculous!


Can they not follow SIMPLE instructions?

Can you tell me what this means to you?

Please use UPPER and LOWER cases when filling in the blanks

Apparently, seemingly "educated" people don't know what the hell this means. These people are applying for information to our graduate programs. That's GRADUATE so most of these people have an undergraduate degree AND have typically worked in the business world for at least a year or more.

These ignoramuses piss the hell out me!

"Stupid is as stupid does, my mama always told me!"

Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Katy Trail

If you live in Dallas, I'm sure you already know about this trail but if you are fairly new you should check it out.

The Katy Trail

I've been a resident of the DFW area all my life and I just found out last night that the Katy Trail stands for the old railroad that used to run the same route (MKT). I thought it was named after some rich person's daughter. Shows how much I know.

Anyway, it's got pretty good eye-candy....er, uh...I meant a scenic trail.

My oldest and I rode the bikes on the trail. It's a little shorter, about 200 feet because of construction, but it's still pretty long ride for a youngster. It was such a beautiful day that it would be sinful to not enjoy it after the colder weather and pouring rain the past weekend.

Friday, March 24, 2006

You really gotta love tennis

My woman knows how to assume the position


Everyone looks better with airbrushing

After the "flood"

Once the weather got a little better after the "floods" this past weekend, I was able to briefly grill some...looks good, huh?


While I was grilling, this was a kind of cool skyline I was able to see from the back porch.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Do you think mosquitos get tired?

I'm sitting here in my new, temporary office, looking out the window when I see this Hulkified mosquito flying up and down the glass in the window. This isn't the mosquito-eater either. I'm thinking the drought and lack of a real winter has caused mosquitoes to live longer then expected so they are now able to carry off small children instead of just sucking the blood.

Anyway, I've been watching this mosquito off and on for about two hours...up, down, side to side with it occasionally stopping for a few seconds or more.

It made me start to wonder. Is this mosquito getting tired? Winded? Is it panting from flying continuously? Does it catch it's breath when it lands? Is it thirsty for something other than blood when and if it is tired?

After studying it for these two hours, I decided to end all my questioning by just squashing it on the window.

All that did was amuse me but the questions still linger? Now the mosquito is as much of a nuisance dead as it was alive.

Floods are fun...when no one gets hurt, of course.

The office building where I work got flooded over the weekend of the torrential downpours that hit Dallas the night of Friday, March 17th to the night of Sunday, March 19th. The whole first floor was under about 3-5 inches of water. Good times.


See in the picture how the water is filled in the closed off area and then pouring out of the seam between the doors. If I was here, I would have duct taped the seam and seen how long it would take to fill that room. More good times would have ensued.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Email humor 03/20/2006

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
 


Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I
liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Saturday, March 18, 2006

How do I pass the time while it rains -- Starcraft!

More passing the time by playing STARCRAFT...it's just pouring outside so there's not much else to do. I'm probably going to get fried by a lightning strike anyway while playing.



Email humor 03/18/2006

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.



Totally random...paper sux

I UNDERSTAND THAT SCISSORS CAN BEAT PAPER AND I GET HOW ROCK CAN BEAT SCISSORS. BUT THERE'S NO EFFING WAY PAPER CAN BEAT ROCK. PAPER IS SUPPOSED TO MAGICALLY WRAP AROUND ROCK LEAVING IT IMMOBILE? WHY THE HELL CAN'T PAPER DO THIS TO SCISSORS? SCREW SCISSORS, WHY CAN'T PAPER DO THIS TO PEOPLE? WHY AREN'T SHEETS OF COLLEGE-RULED NOTEBOOK PAPER CONSTANTLY SUFFOCATING STUDENTS AS THEY ATTEMPT TO TAKE NOTES IN CLASS? I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY, A ROCK WOULD TEAR THAT SH*T UP IN TWO SECONDS. WHEN I PLAY ROCK/PAPER/SCISSORS I ALWAYS CHOOSE ROCK. THEN WHEN SOMEBODY CLAIMS TO HAVE BEATEN ME WITH THEIR PAPER I PUNCH THEM IN THE THROAT WITH MY ALREADY CLENCHED FIST AND SAY "OH SHIT, I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT PAPER WOULD PROTECT YOU, STUPID-F*CK."

Friday, March 17, 2006

Friday email humor 03/17/2006

Canada has camels? I think camel toe is a requirement of the pageants these days, eh?



What about Russia? They have camels too?






Rules to Enter Texas:
Applies to each person as they enter Texas.
Learn &remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!


1. Pull your droopy pants up.
You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle &oil wells.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it.
Don't like it?
I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car.
We're impressed.
We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish.
You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce.
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!!
Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas, TexasA&M or TexasTech.
They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:

"Texas can make it without the United States,
but the United Statescan't make it without Texas."

GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Only in the sport of tennis...

...do you get a warning, point deduction or game loss for abusing your OWN equipment. Granted it was probably donated to you by the company who makes the equipment but it's still "yours".

It's such a whiner's sport...I guess that's why I play it.


In the news...03/16/2006

Haven't done this in a while. You may need to register with Dallas News online but it's free and you can use bogus information. Good times.

"Big brother" is getting a little ridiculous...
FCC fines CBS $3.6 million -- Punishment for teen orgy scene sets record for indecency penalty
Full story...
Seven years later, this man's conviction has been carried out. Where is the real justice in that? Did the women he murdered have a chance to wait for their "timely" death? Do they think people suffer longer when they are on death row for years? Does it take a long time to brew the death concoction that is used in the injection? I'm not sure of the reasoning behind years-later-executions. Instead, my taxes paid for this cold-blooded killer to be housed and fed for seven years. Go figure!
Man executed for slayings outside theater...
Full story...
Does anyone even know who "actor Joseph D. Reitman" was before OR after he married Shannon?
Shannon Elizabeth's estranged husband wants half...
Full story...
As a safety-conscious parent, why would you leave your little girl (or boy for that matter) with her coach? I say "off with his balls! Let him suffer a day or so and then off with his noggin'!" Stinking perverts!
Plano soccer coach held in molestations -- He faces charges of indecency with 2 elementary-age girls...
Full story...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

'V' for Vendetta (2005)

"V" for Vendetta (2005). I saw this movie at a free screening about a week ago. It was pretty good. I was expecting a little more of a contribution from Natalie Portman but I guess that's what I get for not knowing what the movie was really about.

It's still worth seeing...for free or matinee. I don't find many movies worth a full non-matinee price.

FINAL VERDICT: Rent it for cheap or borrow from a friend.

 



Monday, March 13, 2006

Joke email forwarding...


I'm driving along on the highway at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this big crack in my windshield!!



I swerved right,



and then left,



and it was still right there!!

















GOT MILK?



I'm sorry, white people suck!

Why do white people always have to turn things into something about race? Now, I am not your typical white guy. In fact, I am so not-white-looking it's amazing.

My dad was white, born and bred in a little hicktown called Gladewater, Texas. My mom was Philipino-Hawaiian, born and raised in a little hut village in Hawaii. You put this combination together and you get what "white America" calls Mexican — I have a goatee which doesn't help but it also doesn't affect the white man's narrow view.

So to the point of "why white people suck".

Yesterday, at my Over 30 roller hockey game, a dip shit white guy on the opposing team was trying to check me and others on the team. One time, I was burning past his ass and he stuck his foot out to trip me. I angrily said, “What the fuck asshole, why are you trying to trip my ass on purpose? Why do you feel you need to fucking cheat because you can’t stop me?”

We jawed back and forth a few times and I pretty much put him in his ignorant place. A few minutes later we were on the rink at the same time again. I had the puck and passed it up to someone on my team. He skated close to me like he was going to scare me or something. I just pushed off of him to give me a “push” start. It’s not like I could really move him unless I really tried because I’m about 5’ 7” and he is around 6’. Anyway, I smoked by him time and time again. I’ve become a real expert on avoiding attempted checks. At one point my brother and a friend (we play on the same team) were out there and this guy and another made too much intended physical contact with them. I was on the bench and was yelling about it to the refs and the punk fuckers who can’t play with skill so have to resort to near violence. I say this because I, my brother and my friends don’t play physical in the sense that we don’t go out of our way to cause physical harm to the opponent. We are all skills, baby!

Anyway, after this one altercation and my yelling from the bench, the fuck I initially spoke about yells back at me on his way to his team bench, “Taco”. I was like, “What the fuck?” Did this guy just resort to 7th grade immaturity? He can’t best me on the rink so he has to resort to racial name calling. Of course, I laugh at him and tell him he’s really funny like the dumb fuck he is. I thought about retaliating with a slur of my own but I thought “numb nuts dumb fuck with no hockey skills” was much more appropriate. And since we are playing in the “OVER 30” league, I thought I’d keep it within our grade level.

I get back into the locker room after the game and I ask my teammates that if I was white(-colored), what would have been his retort for getting his ass kicked!? Would he have called me "chicken fried steak" or "meat and potatoes"?

The gratifying end to it all was that even with their cheating, they still lost.

So, take that you paleface, honky ass mofo!

** NOTE: Yes, I know I generalized all white people just like he generalized me and all people of color (basically meaning not like him). I know not all white people suck but it caught your attention, didn't it?


Sunday, March 12, 2006

When good pigeons go bad

An image found on the web.

A determined little bird, wouldn't you say?


More joke emails

This is what will happen after the Arabs take over our ports