Monday, April 30, 2007

Market Pantry

So, I was shopping at Target the other day with the wife and kids and we started seeing a brand that we never really paid much attention to before. Apparently, the Target "off-brand" is called Market Pantry. It's not a badly priced product and much of the foods we typically get are fine with the off-brand. We usually grocery shop at Kroger because they have really good deals almost all of the time if you have a Kroger Plus Card. Not to mention that I get ten cents off at the Kroger gas pump if I have been a good buying Kroger customer. It's a good deal when I'm near a Kroger with a gas station affiliated with Kroger and not some "On The Run" gas station which has no affiliation with Kroger.

Anyway, my kids started noticing the Market Pantry brand and they began saying, "Oh no! Pop tarts have gone Market Pantry! Oh no! Jelly has gone Market Pantry!" It was kind of funny for them to be so comedic.

Well, it was funny to wife and I.

Email humor 04/30/2007

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Kylie and Dannii Minogue

These two are pretty attractive but I'm sure everyone already knew that.


Kylie and Dannii


Kylie


Dannii

Text messaging

I don't text message on my cellphone. Mainly because I don't have the service because I'm a cheap ass and don't want to pay $5 for the service on my Sprint PCS plan.

Anyway, I got some picture mail from my brother in Florida today...or was it two days ago. No, I don't have picture mail service either...yes, because I'm a cheap ass!

So, I was going through my received text messages. I didn't realize I had received/missed so many text messages. I came across this one that I don't know who it came from and it didn't make complete sense.

Here it is...see what you think

A little boy got his report card and had all F's.
He took it back to his teacher and said,
"Throw some D's on that bitch!"

Catherine Bell of JAG

I first saw Catherine Bell while watching JAG - Judge Advocate General (which I can't believe seems to still be on since I got into it watching the reruns on USA Network). She wasn't strikingly beautiful but she was attractive. It was probably the natural beauty and other...uh...natural things that influenced my opinion but after checking out the pictures, can you blame me?



Friday, April 27, 2007

Slowly getting my "room" arranged and set up

In the new house, I've got my own "office" room again. I don't know what to do with all that space. I guess it's time to rig some stuff like this A/V shelf.


Email humor 04/27/2007

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this"? he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"?



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see there really are two ways to look at everything.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Email humor 04/25/2007

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span o f twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...


Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.

The "poop man" cometh...but did he goeth

So, I think in the past I've written about the disgusting bastards that use the office restroom to create their own Van Gogh's artistry on the seat and back of the toilet. Well, it's happened again!

I had to go #2 and on my floor there is only one restroom with two stalls. The first stall (after entering) is cozy and the second is spacious because it is for the wheelchair bound occupant. Anyway, I like cozy but some shithead (literally) crapped on the back of the toilet seat. I really had to go so I thought I'd get a HUGE wad of toilet paper to see if I could wipe off the droppings. They didn't come off with a few simple wipes and I'm not scrubbing a toilet of someone else's shit just so I can shit in the same bowl.

So, I have to use spacious cubby number 2. Which actually isn't as big as I thought it was but it was still not the coziness I prefer. While on the pot, I heard someone else come in the restroom and enter pod one and close the door behind themselves. I hear the toilet roll spinning and I hear flushing and spinning and flushing and spinning and flushing. I finally hear a "fuck" and the door opens up. I thought this person was going to just leave and go to another floor but instead this person uses a urinal.

While he is using the urinal and I'm still doing my "job," I hear another person come in, says "hello" to the first guy and then enters pod one. I hear more spinning and flushing. Urinal guy finishes and leaves. I finish and exit pod two and notice that pod one's door is still closed. I hear more spinning and flushing as I wash my hands, dry my hands and exit the restroom. So, I don't know if guy number 2 (pun intended) continued trying to clean the toilet or moved to pod two and got 'er dun!

So, that's my ramble. I guess I pay too much attention to some things. I can see the conversation with the wife when I get home.
Wife: "So honey, what's up at work?"
Me: "Well, I around noon I had to go poop and..."

Monday, April 23, 2007

Humor for the day 04/23/2007

So, after my "class" bitch session...how about something funny?

From my desktop calendar my boss got me, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?", based off of the book of the same name. It's just part of the daily entry that I thought was funny...
WHAT CAUSES MORNING BREATH?
In Australia, a country founded on criminals, they say that the "poo fairy" comes at night to take a dump in your mouth.

College students are dumb

...at least freshmen, anyway.

So, I'm in mechanical engineering class today and these young, stupid and rude fucks (pardon my French, mom) seem to never change my stereotypical opinion of them.

This class is one of my perspectives that I have to take which typically means it is mainly freshmen, maybe some sophomores and those junior/seniors that forgot to take them or took them and didn't pass them. I'm in this class because even though I have basically taken it at the junior/county college level, when you transfer to this private university you tend to lose many of your previously earned credits. If you don't lose them, they typically become electives and you essentially have to take those two years of junior/county college over to satisfy the snobby private school bitches that you took "excelled" coursing in their program. So, what you think would be two more years of school (from county to this private university, anyway) turns out to be four years plus the two years of junior/county college for a total of SIX freakin' years!! How's that for screwing yourself over?

Oh, back to my class...got a little off topic.

I'm in my class trying to listen to the professor lecture about sound and AM/FM waves. I sit on the front row, not because I am a suck up but because I don't like to fight for a seat each time I get to class. I like the same seat each class meeting so I sit up front because who the hell ever WANTS to sit on the front row, especially these wet-behind-the-ears freshmen/sophomores.

Anyway, I can hear this little "psst, psst, psst" sound about four rows back on the opposite side of the lecture room. It's this (cute) little bitch whispering away with some dorky golf-boy (he plays on the golf team although as small as he is I can't see him being highly ranked but I don't know golf). They both are making this annoying too-loud whisper and it's beginning to grate on my nerves. I don't mind an occasional peep but I'm talking these two rude bitches are just going for the world record in whispering in this class!!

The prof either doesn't hear it because he's old or what not but the sheer rudeness is starting to annoy the hell out of me. Luckily, I kept calm and made it through although I would have liked to give them a piece of my mind during class!

I know you are thinking I'm some crotchety semi-old fart but it's not like that.

The little girl has done this on multiple occasions in different seats of the classroom. Hehe, sounds like I'm talking about her sexing it up or christening the lecture rooms many nooks and crannies. LOL!

Anyway, she has even sat next to me and whispered annoyingly to a different boy. Argh! I just wanted to slap the little twit to help her get the point and shut her up!

Apparently she can't find a suitable place to set her cute little ass for any surmountable amount of time. She seems to go wherever the next boy she wants to flirt with or have him help her do her homework for the class. It's funny too to see the boys look for her in class and want to sit with her if she's got an open space.

Dude, unless I'm getting it, there is no way I'd be like that after her sitting next to me and stealing my brain power. Once, you can steal it. Next you have to give a little (a lot) to steal it again.

Thankfully, the semester is about over. This week and half of next week and it's finals time. My engineering final is on May 4th and my statistics final is on May 10...just in time to start summer school!

Yippee ki yeah!

Friday, April 20, 2007

I SMITE THEE............!

Okay, maybe it's not so dramatic but I guess when they say, "God doesn't like ugly," they aren't fucking kidding!!
Grapevine police said Friday they were investigating the death of a woman who, while riding in a car with her husband, became upset about an incorrect food order, stepped out of the moving vehicle and fell under the rear wheel.
Click on the article to see the whole story at DallasNews.com

Now the Dallas Stars are just teasing me...bastards!

I knew they'd do something to extend my pain and suffering.

It's like dangling the proverbial carrot in front of the horse. Just as I was conceding to their worthless playing and expecting them to bow out, they win..albeit in a overtime to further make us fans suffer from the anticipation of a win or a loss.

So, the Dallas Stars will face the Vancouver Canucks in Game 6 at American Airlines Center in Dallas, Texas.

Will they come through with what most fans are expecting (a loss) or will they make the nay-sayers eat their own doubts and push it to a deciding Game 7? Who knows for sure but even though I hate them right now for not doing much better in the series...I will watch them. My no-longer-a-fan bitterness will kick in if they lose either Game 6 or, if they're lucky enough, Game 7.

Lucky for me, I like the Dallas Mavericks and they're first game of round 1 playoffs starts Sunday. So, I have something to fall back on and a team to continue to support if the Stars let me down.

Oh, well...bed time.

Update: I found this picture on the official web site of the Canucks. They called it their "pic of the game". What they don't realize and the fucking refs didn't call is that this is a penalty. First of all, the guy (Hansen) obviously jumped in the air to make this hit. Second of all, you can see how he elbowed Sydor. Once again, the refs didn't call it but they were calling hooking penalties if you put a stick on the opponent for a split second. I think I'd rather be hooked than elbowed.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Landlord

This is funny. I got this in an email from a coworker about a week ago and just got around to watching it today. This is some hilarious shit!


If the embedded player doesn't work, click the link below to go directly to the video link.

The Landlord

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dancing With The Stars

I don't know who she is or where she came from but the hostess from Dancing With The Stars needs to be VOTED OFF!

She's annoying and seems somewhat slow...as in retarded. She's got a really low voice for someone who seems to not be a boxer (like Layla) or some fitness person. Most of the time she has really bad hair, bad interview skills, bad responses, and just overall BAD! Please don't bring her back for next season.

Oh wait. I think her name is Samantha Harris. Let her go!!!!!!

Taxes suck...paying taxes sucks even worse

My wife and I are wait-to-the-last-moment tax preparers. It's kind of a tradition. Thing is, it's not one we look forward to each year...anymore. I don't understand how someone as poor as my ass ends up having to pay taxes at the end of the year...AND I have two kids which I thought would help more than it has with the tax-man.

Three years ago I got like $1700. Two years ago I got $75. One year ago I got like a tank of gas. This year I had to pay $903 + $15.95 (e-filing fee by TaxCut) + $23 (2% of amount fee by IRS). So, I almost had to pay $1000. SUCKS!

Maybe one of these days I'll know what it's like to pay taxes because I make too much money.

Maybe...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Did I happen to mention how much the Dallas Stars piss me off...and suck?!?

I've been a long-time fan, since day one of them moving to Texas, and this is the second year in a row that I'm not confident in my team and the first year that I don't think they truly deserve to win.

There's just no urgency to score, play serious defense, or come away with a win! I truly believe they got lucky to make it to the playoffs with their more-often-than-not piss-poor playing. It's almost like during the regular season the Stars sucked but the other teams sucked just as much if not more. Such a let down for all of hockey and hockey fans!

Once again, I must back Turco and say that it isn't his fault this year that the Stars are down 3 to 1 to the Canucks. The Stars head back up to Vancouver to lose play game five.

I'm not sure I can stomach another loss, the final loss in the series, especially if I have to stay up past midnight central standard time. I just might cry and break things!

To make things worse, I have a test in my statistics class on Friday so it would make studying (or not studying) worth it IF (notice the BIG IF) they were to actually win. But...they'd still have to win two more to win the series. Unfortunately, I don't foresee that happening.

Too bad for us Stars fans!

Do you wanna get boned?


Any UFOs?

This is weird...it's like alien abductions. Sad too. Koreans taken by other Koreans...weird.


Yellow handkerchiefs hang from a pine tree in Imjingak, South Korea, close to the border with the North. They honour South Koreans believed to have been kidnapped by North Korea.

Click here to see more "pics of the day"

Monday, April 16, 2007

The Dallas Stars piss me off!

You know, they say we can't blame Turco for everything but I will blame him for the final goal in Sunday's game of the Stars versus the Canucks. I mean to let in a goal from the high slot is a little ridiculous in my opinion. It's almost like years ago when Chris Osgood with the Detroit Red Wings at the time let in a goal from the blue line. It's one of those things that SHOULD be stopped.

I guess one positive is that they didn't make me stay up until 2:34 a.m. to lose this time. It was only like 12:30 a.m.

In my opinion, the Canucks are not that good of a team but it looks like either the Stars are playing down to their level or the Canucks are playing up to ours. Who knows!

One thing is their asses better not lose again, nor exit in the first round. If they do, "their will be some 'splaining to do!"

Check the latest Dallas News article on the Stars' lost here...

OT = Ominous Trend as Stars lose | Dallas Morning News | News for Dallas, Texas | SportsDay: Hockey: Stars

Again...why would this happen...

If there is an omnipotent, all-knowing, all-loving entity called GOD why would innocent little children suffer and die in such ways? I guess I'm just venting because it makes me sad to see the loss of precious little lives. I truly don't believe there is SOME reason for all this needless suffering of children. I guess some will say that who cares how it feels to live on Earth because there is this splendid place called Heaven and we won't recall our suffering from the "living" world. I guess this could be true but why can't the LIVING world be enjoyable like say dinner and the SPIRITUAL world (Heaven) be like dessert. Ya know what I mean?

Dad, girl fatally shot...

8-yr-old girl is killed when ATV rolls over her...

Man: Boy's backyard shooting an accident...

click on a link for full story while they last

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Today's humor 04/15/2007

Humor from my coworker's "An Insult a Day" calendar...
So you're acting now, you're in a vampire movie, yes? That's good. Finally a role that requires you to suck.
        -- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to singer Jon Bon Jovi

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
        -- writer/actress Carrie Fisher

According to Time magazine, Christina Aguilera's music is being used down in Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. You know, I can't help thinking if it were only John Tesh the war on terror could have been over so much quicker.
        -- talk show host Jay Leno

My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach into her bra to count to two.
        -- comedian Rodney Dangerfield
An added joke from my friend...
Q:    Do you know why black people don't use aspirin?
A:     Because they are white and they work.
          -- undisclosed friend

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Google Maps makes you smile

Just follow these simple directions and smile...

  1. go to google.com.
  2. click on maps.
  3. click on get directions.
  4. from: new york, new york.
  5. to: paris, france.
  6. then, read line #23.
  7. laugh

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Email humor 04/10/2007

Okay, still not much time for a serious "worth-while" post but here's somethings to quell your excitement (yeah, right!) in the mean time.

Why women love Florida...


...They grow on trees there!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Jessica Biel

"How could you get tired of looking at that ass?"
-Lewis Skolnick/Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

Monday, April 02, 2007

Dilbert strip of the day 04-02-2007

I've been busy moving and stuff but thought this deserved a posting. When I have time, I'll bore Blogger again, later.

Many times I have felt this way in my job.



Provided by the awesome add-on DAILY DILBERT for Firefox 2.0. If you have Firefox 2.0, click here for a direct link to download the DAILY DILBERT add-on.