I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and Suffe(r)...ring.
The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're real lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying!"